Hey guys I need some advice on this topic and I’m not sure who to turn to. I don’t have any brothers or male friends in my adult life.
My(28F) fiancé(34M) follows hundreds of sexy/naked IG models. Last night we were watching a TV show on his phone last night and a notification popped up of an account that he has turned on notifications for “(username has added to their story) I didn’t ask about it right then and there because he had a stressful day at work and I didn’t want to discuss it right then and there. He always tells me that if I have s problem that I should discuss immediately because I had a bad habit of doing it the next day once I felt comfortable sharing. I’ve since stopped doing that even though I believe bringing up an issue 24 hours later doesn’t warrant my feelings being less valid. Either way I have compromised and stopped doing it. However, last night I just didn’t feel like it was the right time. When he woke up this morning I decided to talk about it. Here is how the conversation went. Please tell me if I am wrong.
A little background, he has told me that he had problems with lust in the past. He even told me that his two children were born out of lust because the mother of his children has a big butt. She is also very high conflict and is keeping his children away from him. We don’t have any children together and he is a really good guy, he works, doesn’t cheat, and we don’t have any major problems. We are also Christian.
Me: Good morning love (kisses him) how did you sleep last night.
Him: I slept great babe.
Me: I’m happy to hear that, umm babe can I talk to you about something?
Him: Sure whats up babe?
Me: I noticed a notification popped up last night of (username) who is that?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Your following her can you look it up so I can see who it is?
Him: Sure, (proceeds to show me her profile)
It’s a big booty IG model
Me: Do you follow any more of these types of accounts?
Him: No, I guess so.
Me: Do you mind if I look?
Him: No (he gives me his phone and when I look at who’s he’s following, it’s hundreds of these types of accounts)
Me: Babe it makes me uncomfortable that you follow these types of accounts. We’re about to be married and I think it’s not healthy for our relationship for you to follow all of these accounts.
Him: Wow! So I’m supposed to unfollow all of them because your insecure? I’m not taking the time to unfollow them. You do it! (In a very angry tone)
Me: I never said it made me feel insecure, just uncomfortable. Yes, I’ll unfollow them. Thank you.
Him: (Quiet)
Me: Why do you follow them? I know you’ve talked about your problems with lust in the past. Do you think you still struggle with it?
Him: (Quiet)
Me: I not trying to attack you or anything, I’m just trying to understand. Why do you follow them?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Well why did you follow them to begin with.
Him: I don’t know(in an irritated tone)
Now this is what really bothered me about this whole conversation.
Him: Your trying to control me Amber(which is his exes name who cheated on him and he had two kids by, I don’t have any children) See you got me calling you her name. Your acting just like her!
That really hurt me, but I’m trying to hold back tears.
Me: Are you serious! You’re going to call me her name and I think your acting childish. I think we should go to marriage counseling.
Him: I guess so, what if I said no, you’re not going to marry me?
Me: I would postpone the wedding until we get counseling.
He then looks at me angrily and stops talking.
Him: You know what, I’m going to delete IG. (Proceeds to delete it) you happy now! I always tell you to tell me if something is bothering you right away because it’s annoying. You’re so damn controlling.
Me: I didn’t say you had to delete it, and I didn’t tell you because you already had a rough day at work.
Him: I don’t care, you should of just told me! whatever it’s done! I deleted it! (He didn’t delete TikTok or Snapchat though)
I then leave to go for a run to clear my mind. He hasn’t said a word to me all day.
16 comments
Sounds like a shit head.
This is my opinion and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted like crazy because that’s how this sub works.
You’re being ridiculous and he’s right, you’re acting controlling and insecure.
He’s following people on Instagram, not engaging in anyway I’m assuming since you didn’t mention that, just following.
He’s also not trying to hide it or be secretive about it, he allowed you to go through his phone without an issue.
He’s a good guy, doesn’t cheat but following some big booty girls that he’s never met and not hiding it from you is enough that you think you need marriage counselling? I think you need to take a step back and figure out your own insecurities.
I think waiting 24 hours can give you clarity on a situation so you aren’t jumping to an angry conclusion. It seems like he is afraid to tell you why he follows them. It’s good that he has no issue just handing his phone and letting you see
Makes it feel like he thinks there is nothing to hide and that is a good thing. But not seeming to want to understand your point of view and your feelings is a red flag
He likes Big Butts and he cannot lie
As you noted you are Christians:
Matthew 5:28
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
It doesn’t seem like the sort of behavior a Christian in his mid thirties should be engaging in.
Neither of you is wrong or right, but a little outsider perspective on why this blew up in your face…
He just woke up thinking everything is fine and you’re raining a huge judgment on top of him like he’s a bad person. You didn’t offer a conversation. You didn’t assume good intentions. You portended the doom of your entire relationship and made it his fault.
You can feel however you want to feel, but he is absolutely not wrong about you being insecure and controlling in that moment (not saying that about you as a person in general).
– **Stop denying insecurity.**
This is a MASSIVE problem people have in these conversations. They try to lie about their insecurity or hide it behind other words (in your case, “uncomfortable” without any explanation as to why you feel uncomfortable… (*pssst, it’s insecurity*)).
People get insecure. It’s normal. You’re insecure that he’s following sexy chicks on IG because you’re nervous about how you feel about yourself and how he feels about you. That’s OK. That’s normal. That’s fine.
In fact, you feeling insecure about it is the BEST option for both of you, because otherwise you’re just judging him for basically no reason. (And I’m going to assume that’s not it in your case.)
An honest look into yourself as to why it bothers you that he looks at hot chicks online will lead to much better conversation.
No matter what, get some premarital counseling. He doesn’t have to follow these other women on social media to browse them and he’ll continue to do that, hiding it better. He doesn’t come off as a man who is ready for the commitment of marriage in his words or actions. Its not insecure to not want your fiancé lusting after other women.
I stopped reading after you stating he follows a bunch of naked models on Instagram.
That *alone* would make me not marry someone. Obviously he is not ready to settle down and see you as the only woman in his life. I’m sure he has a lot of excuses and reasonings about why this is okay behavior.
And when he’s up watching porn all the time instead of having sex with his wife he’ll have the same list of excuses.
Seriously, go through and read all the stories shared about partners addicted to porn. *NONE* of those people are okay with it and are currently miserable. This isn’t any different no matter how he tried to spin it.
It’s disrespectful to you. And if it bothers you even just a little bit you *don’t* have to put up with it and marry him. You know about it. He knows you know about it. Moving forward with the marriage is you telling him you are accepting it in his mind. “You knew what I was like before you married me!”
It feels kind of gaslighty that he immediately jumps to calling you insecure because you felt disrespected by him following these accounts. It doesn’t sound like he can handle conflict in a healthy way, nor does it sound like he cares about your feelings on this. Do you want to marry someone who doesn’t care if they hurt you? Do you want to marry someone who knowingly disrespects you? Do you want to marry someone who turns the problem on you when you calmly bring up an issue?
He’s had this problem for years and it doesn’t sound like he cares to fix it. I would seriously reconsider marrying this person because marriage will not make it better.
One question I have is that, at any point in your relationship, have you mentioned how this makes you uncomfortable? I recognize the hurtfulness this appears, but a few things to think about;
– It’s not fair to him to expect that he should change his behavior that he may have had *before* you were even together if you don’t tell him. I’ve had this fight with my wife, a lot. Before we were together, I was a single guy in my 20s. Does anyone care if a single guy in their 20s follows and likes photos of women? As a decent person, I stopped “liking” these photos, out of respect for my partner, but I never took the time to go through and unfollow anyone. For me, and perhaps for your husband, social media is not a serious thing. If my spouse wanted me to unfollow people I legitimately were *only* following because they’re big booty models, I’d do it.
– What about this makes you uncomfortable? I know that’s a ridiculous question to ask, but is your feeling that he’s effectively cheating on you? Or is it that “other people will see who he follows and that’s a slap in the face.” The latter seems to be a very common feeling with social media in marriages, but also, to me, it’s not reality. I have a hard time believing that a friend/family member of my spouse is going to go through *my* social media and take the time to look at who I follow. They’ve sure got some time on their hands if so. That amounts to someone follow my spouse and I around as we walk through the mall, from a distance, and then calling out every time my eyes glare at a woman. That may be his feeling, too, that it’s about an insecurity of how people will perceive you, versus how it truly makes you feel.
– Porn addiction, and sex addiction, is a real thing. It’s not made up, and as the internet and this hyper-sexualization of the internet has come to be, it’s a genuine problem. “Lusting” for women, as a married man, is not okay. But you might need to approach it as an issue, a real, genuine, affliction. It’s not a choice. It’s an affliction. If you found out he had diabetes, would you be mad at him every time he splurged on a milkshake? You wouldn’t, presumably, you’d want to help him find a solution to better himself and his health. This is similar, and albeit, the affliction has implications on your feelings, too, but think about it as a disease, just like any other medical condition. It’s *not* a choice, it’s a *disease*, and needs real, serious help.
I wouldn’t marry him.
Oh my gosh so many things…
1. My husband doesn’t follow those types of accounts. He use to follow asmr girls which to me is sexual because they do it in sexy clothing or the girls are just trying to get more viewers so they try to sexual ya know? I didn’t feel comfortable with my husband following those girls on IG or listening to them on YouTube…
He didn’t make a fuss about it. Just did what I asked. He thought I was being a little too much but whatever. Sure my insecurities. BUT your husband or soon to be husband should help you get over your insecurities instead of making them worse.
2. I hope you have a big butt because he definitely still has lust issues. That’s why he’s following hundreds of these women. Whether he wants to recognize it or not.
3. Huge problem when he gaslights you. Completely deleting his account, making you feel like you’re in the wrong, calling you his ex wife’s name (on purpose) just so he can tell you you’re controlling and just like his ex.
The moment a man tries to shut you down by saying “you’re just like my ex” is the moment you should end things.
He doesn’t sound very Christian.
Lol he’s not a Christian give me a break. Doesn’t sound like a good match for you at all. You can definitely do better.
He called you the wrong name?! 🚩Counseling would be a good start. Everyone has their deal breakers. If this is yours it’s probably not going to stop. Is he sending DMs or simply looking at people?
He’s showing absolutely no respect to your feelings. Why would you want to be with a dude like that.