Back again. Can’t believe it. I (M27) tried to end my 5 year relationship with my GF (27F)
To cut a long story short, we lived togther and it was awful, if I was out she would ask if other girls were there, insist on collecting me early, wouldn’t feel comfortable with me going out if there was another girl there as she felt insecure. I have NEVER cheated or anything like that. She would call me a disgusting Cheater for speaking with a child hood friend who is a girl, despite the fact she is close friends with 2 men she was once sexuallly involved with.
She would say how what I am doing wrong and she wanted an engagement ring by a particular time and she needed to be pregnant and if I wouldn’t do it she would get a donor. There is loads more that I won’t get into because we would be here all day. Basically I felt so low in myself and what was happening I indulged in alcohol to cope.
We broke up Briefly but I fell back into it thinking I was wrong and too hasty in breaking up. (I now know I was right to break up). I tried to end it last week but she became hysterical (like first time but not as dramatic, last time she screamed and shouted and was almost banging her head off the ground she said doesn’t remember Any of it, like a mini spasm brought on by trauma). She also convinced me I didn’t want to break up I was in a bad mental state and that the reasons I wanted to break up weren’t really reasons, she apologies for her behaviour before and she is in therapy and she is working on herself so we can be togther and happy. But I feel like it’s too little too late. I’ve just spent the last week listening to her cry on the phone (sometimes while I’m at work) that she is anxious we will break up and she wants to be with me and needs comfort from me and assurance I won’t break up with her. I dont know what I’m to do anymore I feel trapped and the best years of my life have been wasted in an unhealthy relationship and no further along in life than I was before covid. I’m sorry about the length of this there’s just so much to get off my chest. Feel an unmeasured amount of guilt.
TLDR; Broke up, got back togther too quickly and now stuck. How do you break up with someone who becomes uncontrollably hysterical that you fear for their safety and your own? Or any advice how to navigate this. Thank you.
4 comments
I’m reading this to understand you do not live together anymore? Because that makes this infinitely easier than you think.
You can only control yourself and your actions. Let her be upset. Let her get up to some crazy shit. You can’t do anything about that. But you know what you *can* do? You can block her. You can get a ring doorbell to be sure she isn’t stalking your home. You can just not entertain or feed into any of it at all. Let go of the idea that you can somehow minimize the fallout. It’s going to happen. Accept that and allow yourself to be free from it.
>How do you break up with someone who becomes uncontrollably hysterical that you fear for their safety and your own?
Do you live together now?
When someone becomes hysterical over a breakup, if you really fear that they will harm themselves, call 911 and ask for a welfare check on her — they will send someone to make sure she is OK.
It’s a whole “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” situation. This is a bad situation for you, and you want out. You care for her, but you are not responsible for her well-being, she is.
At this point, I’d say that it’s fine to just text her that your feelings about breaking up haven’t changed, and it’s what you want. Then block her. It sounds drastic, but you have to look out for yourself, and frankly you’re not doing her any favors by begrudgingly sticking around out of guilt.
One thing is you definitely can’t stay together. From what your explaining it’s not a perfect match. And she sounds like at times she’s bringing you down and making you feel bad. Sit down with her Tell her you want to breakup and explain to her that it’s not because I’m confused or upset, just explain that it’s because you don’t think it working out. If she gets crazy and starts screaming and that call her parents, tell them that you guys broke up and she’s going crazy. Becuase when she goes hysterical when you breakup with her she’s trying to make you feel bad for doing it the first place. I know because my mums ex boyfriend did it to her. So don’t let it get to you ignore her and stay firm. Because you can’t keep feeling trapped and upset in a relationship you don’t want to be in. I hope this helps.