I (20f) feel like my emotions are ruining my relationship.
I have been in a relationship with my bf (23m) for 2 and a half years now. I recently left across country to pursue an internship that I’ve wanted for years (the beginning of my career with my dream company) and it’s honestly probably the worst thing I ever did to our relationship. I don’t know how to communicate well over text and I prefer video chatting /calling because it feels more real and I can communicate my thoughts more clearly, but my boyfriend hates calling and would rather just text. This leads to fights that should just be conversations. A lot of them are about how he is severely depressed (extreme trauma and family issues, and therapy is off the table), and how I do not/cannot understand or relate to that no matter how hard I try to understand what he’s going through. I have family trauma, but not as much as him.
Today, we called and he talked about how he feels like he has no motivation to do anything, not even go to the store to get groceries. We lived together for a year, so he’s used to me Kind of coercing him to go out and do things like go to target. After I left, he has no motivation even though work (blue collar) has lightened up so now he has free time, which he didn’t when I was home. I mentioned I kinda of relate to that, as I don’t really have friends in my new state and it makes it hard to go do things. This was a mistake and I was wrong, because I do sometimes go out to the store and stuff alone when I’m off work.
He said I can’t relate and explained how my life was a lot better in how I don’t have depression and how I have the will to do things (paraphrasing) and brought up his family issues to explain how I can’t get it. This made me sad because I feel bad about how much he’s been through and guilty for saying I can sort of relate, which he got angry about and said he doesn’t ever want to tell me how he feels about anything because I get emotional, and that voice raising made me more upset, which ended up 45 minutes later with me sobbing, he fuming and confused, and him ending the call.
I feel like my emotions ruin everything we talk about, and I need advice on how to fix this before it completely ruins our relationship. Things used to be better, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
TL;DR my boyfriend has depression and trauma and I try to relate, though I haven’t been through as much as him. When I try to talk to him about it he corrects me angrily which leads to us fighting and he being sad about the fight and our situation, which makes him very angry.
2 comments
This sounds more like *his* emotions are ruining your relationship. He’s having mental health issues, I know, but you’ve tried your best to be supportive in the only way you know how. You *aren’t* a therapist or mental health worker, you can only work with what you have. Trying to relate to someone is a basic step in human interaction. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Why is therapy “off the table”? Because it sounds like he really needs it and it’s not fair for him to go off on you when you try to be supportive.
Your boyfriend needs to reconsider therapy. He was using you as his main support system and you’re not around and shouldn’t be expected to be around to do that anymore. He needs professional help and while it sucks that he’s going through a very bad time it’s not fair for either of you for him to take it out on you that you’re doing well in comparison. Therapy, support groups, finding another friend who’s depressed and making a buddy system, anything else besides the path he’s going on now.