I (22f) have been seeing a guy (23m) I met on Hinge for about three weeks now. We have went on a total of six dates but we have not yet slept together. We tried once, but he couldn’t get aroused. He told me that it was because he hadn’t had sex in six months and he was nervous. Fair enough. That was on our fourth date, and the next time he came over I tried to initiate but he told me that he wasn’t in the mood because he is feeling down about being laid off. Also understandable. Today he came over to watch a movie and he didn’t initiate anything. I am honestly wondering if he has erectile dysfunction problems and is embarrassed about bringing it up. Should I try to breach the subject with him so he doesn’t have to? I really like him otherwise and we get along great. He’s also affectionate in other ways, but it rarely goes behind a peck or a kiss on the head.
45 comments
Go at his own pace.
Imagine if the genders were reversed.
” I’m wondering if she has x problem because we haven’t had sex yet, should I ask? ”
Like what?
Maybe he is asexual
I would definitely bring it up to him in the sense that you want to know why sex isn’t happening. However, don’t just tell him your erectile dysfunction theory.
Of course you could be right but when he said he couldn’t get aroused did he just say that or did you see/get a feel of his penis? It could be that he’s particularly small/large or a girl before you could have made him feel embarrassed by its appearance etc.
Whatever the case, I’d let him know you find him attractive and confirm you would like to take it to the next step. Assure him that you’re not judging him, just wondering if there’s anything you can do to help.
I feel for the guy, I do, but sex is an important part of a relationship for most of us and if there’s something wrong you deserve to know.
Or maybe you’re still a stranger who he’s only known for all of 3 weeks and he doesn’t feel totally comfortable having sex with you? Especially if he’s going through unemployment recently too.
Quantity doesn’t equal quality. Serial dating doesn’t negate the fact it’s only been 3 weeks. I could go on a date everyday a week. It’s still only knowing someone for a week.
He probably uses too much porn and can’t get hard for a real person. Also, 4 dates sounds like heavy pressure for sex.
He just got laid off from a job, that’s pretty stressful. Sex may not be what’s on his mind.
If you’re ready for sex and he’s not , there’s nothing wrong with moving on. You don’t want to pressure someone but he might have a lower sex drive than you. And you don’t want to get stuck with that if that’s the case… I’d try talking to him about it but if it’s to no avail Bette to cut your losses
Ah no, what happened is he couldn’t perform once and now he’s in his head.
Imagine this: he really wants to be with you, but then he remembers how embarrassing it was to not get an erection that first time.
He gets anxious at the thought of experiencing that embarrassment again so he makes excuses and creates conditions to avoid it.
Here’s what you need to do, just say, “ok, no sex. Let’s just make out and cuddle”.
You gotta get his mind off the embarrassment and make it safe. When you take sex off the table, it gives him a chance to relax.
I know it sounds weird but he is dying to have sex with you. His mind and body just aren’t playing along with each other.
Jesus – He’s 23. He should be hard 24/7. I’d stop making an effort with this guy and start dating other guys. He needs to figure out his issues.
He’s got performance anxiety for sure. He couldn’t perform the first time so it’s now in his head. I would first work at ensuring he is relax and not feeling the pressure of performing.
What if hes a virgin and lied about not having done it in 6 months?
Don’t be shy ask away communication is important in a relationship.. so is sex so if it’s not working why isn’t he licking?
Id probably ask
But hopefully he doesn’t watch too much porn causing ED
(If i were in that position where i met someone new, id stop porn and masturbation so my attention and wants can be focused on the girl)
Hot take.
Maybe he has trouble keeping an erection because he wacthed to much porn and jacks off a lot. He did say it’s been 6 months since he’s gotten laid
“and is embarrassed about bringing it up?”
3 weeks is pretty early to have sex. So maybe he just isn’t ready? Like for me I wait a couple of months until I know I’m ready. You two should get to know each other more, go do fun things together and form an emotional bond before trying it. That way he won’t be nervous and it will be more enjoyable.
Give him time, and make him feel comfortable in your presence. Show that you like him and want him without pushing the boundaries too far. He is young, and there is no erectile dysfunction. He is just stressed and stuck in his head. It will happen, but there is no need to rush it. If he cannot perform again, make him feel ok about it, keep the mood light, and show that it is ok and he does not need to worry about it (again, it is just anxiety and stress, nothing more). You can be intimate in other ways like cuddles, that will help him.
OP, this guy is obviously under a great deal of stress and it is having an impact on you and him having sex. If you do just take sex off the table, make out once or twice and he will relax a bit. If he is still stressed, give him oral because it doesn’t really matter how much stress a guy is under, if a making-out session progresses to oral sex, he will get his mojo back. I think the biggest thing is that you reassure him that you are ok with not having sex for a while and that you don’t think less of him because of a couple of false starts. Good luck.
Laid of from job in this climate, id be stressed af too.
This happened to me when i was younger, it didn’t work on my first time and then it was all I could think about whenever sex came up. Its just a bit of anxiety which is valid.
You barely know each other (just three weeks) and he is going through stress, but possible anxiety about ‘failing’ the first time. Just take the time and don’t pressure him.
Last time this happened to me, it turned out he was gay and thought that being with “the perfect woman”, whatever the fuck that means, would make him attracted…
I’ve had this problem once before aswell. He just needs to relax, not think too much about it, and just let it happen.
Definitely performance anxiety. Maybe suggest an oil massage or cuddling. Something with skin on skin contact but no mention of sex. Nature might just take its course. Then there’s always the ‘little blue pill’ approach to the situation
What if he is just looking for someone to keep away from loneliness, a shoulder to lean on, a friend to share his emotions and feelings 🙁
It’s almost like you’re pressuring him for sex. If the roles were reversed, I’d expect outrage.
Honestly I was seeing a guy from tinder for a couple weeks and I (successfully) initiated sex a couple of times. It wasn’t until about a month in he told me he was asexual. As someone who had only ever been with hyper sexual men before I didn’t even consider this to be an option. So it might be worth bringing up
Ok ill actually give you some real applicable advice – Sometimes when a guy over thinks, he can’t get it up. Once this happens with a girl for the first time, it’s all he can think about every time afterwards. It’s unlikely he has ED, it’s pretty rare. So my advice …….. just blow him, don’t try to have sex with him, don’t try to take it further just blow him. As soon as he’s came, he’ll naturally relax. Might even get sex out of him afterwards.
It sounds like he maybe has some performance anxiety. Doesn’t always mean erectile dysfunction. If you care about him, just try to be patient and understanding and it will happen naturally when you both fully trust each other. You can’t rush it if he’s not totally ready, just as you wouldn’t want to be rushed if you weren’t ready. Maybe if he brings it up again you can inquire more about it? So that line of communication about sex is more open.
He’s probably just got a lot on his mind mentally. This isn’t ED, this is performance anxiety. Being turned on is more mental than physical. I struggle with the same thing with my girlfriend. Sometimes, I have so much on my mind that it’s just not going to work out. It has nothing to do with her, she turns me on. But if you’re dealing with a lot it can make it near impossible to be relaxed and be in the moment. Be understanding and support him. My girlfriend does for me and it’s the sexiest thing knowing that she’s ready for me whenever I am. Love is spontaneous; you can’t force it. If he knows you’re there for him and you like him and just want him to be happy that can go a long way. You’d want him to do the same for you if the roles were reversed wouldn’t you?
I used to have a boyfriend w erectile dysfunction. Hed give me head 90% of the time.
Maybe ask him to give u head instead of penis
Wait why does something have to be wrong with him because it’s been only three weeks and y’all haven’t had sex?
I’m no prude. I’m 36, married for 10 years with 2 kids but before my husband I was wild.
I’ve never been shy about sex or being sexy, but why’s something gotta be wrong with the guy because he hasn’t fucked you yet? Maybe he has manners and would like you to initiate. Maybe he likes to take his time… maybe he wants to get to know you?
I don’t know, I’d be offended if someone thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have sex with them within three weeks. Maybe it’s the internet dating culture and how it is these days?
This happened to me the first time I had sex with my then girlfriend that I lost my virginity to. She was so into it and I knew I had to deliver and put this pressure on myself to perform well and I got in my own head and couldn’t get hard. I was so embarrassed but she was so sweet about it and didn’t make a big deal out of it. Took me a few times with her until I eventually was able to get hard and stay hard but it was so worth it. She made me feel comfortable and it happened naturally. It seems like that is exactly what is happening here. It’s so so frustrating when that happens and it has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive you find your partner. In my case (and I think his) it’s all just anxiety and being your own worst enemy. Make him feel comfortable and let him know no matter what happens you won’t view him any differently…..it’ll really help him.
Lol these comments are very supportive but yes, he definitely has “performance anxiety” which is still ED. ED varies from person to person some have it more serious others less. Of course I can only imagine how that must feel for him. I’d say the advise to take it slow and make him feel safe is likely the best solution. But uh everyone making it like that is going to solve the problem…. Well you don’t know really if just him feeling safe will help get it up. Again ED varies from case to case and at 23 it is likely not something he can easily talk about. If he does, then let him do it on his own terms. But I would recommend examining how important sex is to you with regards to frequency, exploration, and longevity. As it may be an issue in the long run that requires repetitive work and patience. Not every potential partner is a match but if you really like him, then tact and patience will be required at this stage.
Guys get nervous too, first time with a new partner is usually the worst nerves though. I would give it a bit more time!
could be gay…
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I mean yeah it could be that he’s nervous or anxious… that would explain the lack of a hard-on… but how does it explain him not even wanting to make out or anything?
It could be erectile dysfunction, as many men who have it are in denial and with every instance of ED they create (and believe) an excuse. I had the same issue with my partner. It was always something, the first time he said he was nervous, then it was too hot, the wrong room, I was moving too fast, then too slow, he’s stressed, he’s tired, or literally anything he can think of that might be to blame other than the actual cause (porn). Once he quit porn all the ED issues vanished. It was never nervousness, the temperature, stress or me. This is just my experience. Doesn’t mean it’s the same for him and you.
Well I wouldn’t bring it up just yet. On your next date if you start fooling around or watching a movie and he is not initiating anything then you should initiate it. If he tries to stop you tell him he can watch the movie because you can entertain yourself. At that point to start rubbing his leg or over his crotch. Over and over. Eventually it will get hard because he will give in. Another way to get past this is have a date night set up. When he comes in have him strip completely down. Both of you strip completely down. Tell him you’re going to give him a full massage and for him to lay whichever way he’s comfortable. It won’t matter which way he lays but he will start to get aroused. You are circulating the blood and you’re also initiating physical contact. If he lays on his back then Draper towel over his private section so he doesn’t feel awkward. Pretty much a guarantee once you start rubbing his stomach and hips and around his groin area/ inner thighs that he will start to get aroused. It’s just natural and it is a great way for you to see if he has erectile dysfunction. If he does not get aroused in any way then he does erectile dysfunction. But if you do the massage thing I’m pretty sure that will cure his problem. Once it gets aroused you should just take over and do whatever you want from there. It might take you occasionally getting close to his genitals but I’m pretty sure that’s going to work for you
Sounds like he may be having some stress issues it’s definitely not you
Once upon a time, that happened to me and the girl dropped me because of it. I avoided sex for a while after that because I was so stressed out that it will happen again and get rejected because of it, which put pressure on me and exasperated the problem.
I’m very confident he’s in his head about it
Eh, sex isn’t everything for many guys. Just rub one out before he comes over, and spend some quality time getting to know him. Maybe he needs more emotional connection during stressful times 🤷
Make him feel safe. Even if it may frustrate you, be super understanding and affectionate. He will come around. This guy just needs to feel safe before he is able to be vulnerable with you to a. Open up or b. Have sex
There are things you can do besides sex. You can kiss or make out. Start slow with that. No expectations. Or cuddle for physical contact. He may be going through a lot which is mental. And the first time may be on his mind.
Maybe slowing down physically and see how things go.
He really likes you and fears not being able to get going again. I have been there. Its is always the girls I like the most that this has happened to. Being nervous can totally shut down a mans ability to perform in bed.
He just needs to get past it once and I promis you it will never happen again.
Sure a layoff from a job is stressful. But for me at least, after a week I’d be ready to go again. Sounds like ED to me….
If a 20-something guy has trouble getting an erection, then 99% of the time it is psychological. That’s what my doctor told me when I had the same problem. Best thing he can do is get sleep, eat healthy, cut the stress, and do cardio. Best thing you can do is be patient. The stress of not getting an erection when you’re supposed to is a feedback-loop that only gets worse if you don’t break it.
Be patient and keep hanging out with him. It will improve