Hello everyone, I’m hoping for some guidance. My girlfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for about 7 months. Since I’ve known her/started dating her, she has not worked/had a job during the time of our relationship. Mind you, she has had held jobs in the past. I have worked all my life without pause. Honestly, this didn’t bother me at all as shes a very nice and caring person and takes care of me. To me, a job doesn’t “make” the person. She has been using unemployment to pay for her apartment and various expenses. A couple months ago, she discussed us moving in together, in which I told her I would be more comfortable with the idea if she had a job to split the rent, as aside from relying on unemployment and possibly being cut off from unemployment unexpectedly, making it impossible to pay her half of the rent. She disagreed and said she can be on unemployment just as long as she would be at a job for, and a job can just as likely be cut (fired, let go, etc.). She did show me that indeed unemployment was paying her more money than the jobs currently being offered to her. This only concreted the idea that a job just wasn’t even worth it if unemployment would cash out more. To an extent, I agreed but told her it would be wise to find a job incase unemployment no longer decides to cover her. Fast forward to now, and she lets me know that unemployment has cut her off, she received her last check, and still has no job. Now, she has no applications in, no leads on jobs, cant afford her next months rent. I asked if possibly her mom could help of her father, in which she said neither of them would help or house her. She has told me in about a month, she will be homeless. I still currently live with my parents by their kind graces as I cannot afford to rent a place for myself as most apartments near me are ($2600-$3000) a month. My girlfriend has now asked for help to pay her rent and other things. I simply cant as I wouldn’t be able to afford it. She then took this as “I refuse/cant help her” and “its her problem not mine”. I offered to help her fill out job applications all day everyday, but she tells me shes already done that and im not helping. I simply do not know what to do or how to help. I know the situation is dire, and I really wish I could do something, but aside from paying her bills she doesn’t seem to want it. I do care about her and it would kill me to know shes homeless. Thank you to all your suggestions!!!
TL;DR: Should I struggle to pay my unemployed girlfriends rent/bills after her unemployment ran out?
24 comments
Well she is an idiot if she thought she could just stay on unemployment indefinitely. A condition of unemployment is that she actively look for a job and she can’t refuse any job offer. I agree with you 100% that a job doesn’t make a person. but she is 33 and should be able to take care of herself and pay her bills, even if that means working at McDonalds. (Which she 100% could because al of those jobs are actively hiring) She asked to live with you because she doesn’t have anywhere else to go, not out of love or to further the relationship. You can do what you want but I certainly would not help her out with rent or move her in. This is 100% her fault for not looking for employment. She needs to figure it out.
If you were not in the picture, what options would she have? Her relationship with her parents is so bad that they would let her be out on the street?
Unemployment insurance is supposed to be a safety net and she was treating it like a trust fund. Now that she’s going to be cut off, there’s still no move towards getting a job. And the fact that the only option she can come up with is for *you* to pay her bills doesn’t sit well. This is someone who doesn’t have good planning skills and doesn’t use their resources wisely. I wouldn’t be in a rush to move in or start funding her lifestyle.
From this, she sounds like a bad partner – not sure why you’d want to continue a relationship?
If you DO and you’re really worried about her – would your parents let her move in? I would assume if they did there’d be some serious ground rules, even though you’re all adults (If i were your parents i’d start asking for rent, for example). I would NOT move into her place and take on that rent load.
Why exactly does she not want to get a job….. if she’s not willing to put in effort like everyone else then oh well (unless there is some disability to where she is unable to work). Not your problem.
I have been in a very similar boat as this. And I don’t know your intentions within relationships, but the advice I was given is. If you’re planning to date for marriage, that has to add into your equation on if you want to do this for the rest of your life. If she shows a lack of effort into this, what else could she show lack of effort towards? Because those are some big “red flag” issues, especially if money issues are tight. I promise you, you won’t want to have someone that is not willing to do their share if there is any financial stress.
Nonetheless, the help you are putting forth matters more because it’s the step forward to help solve the issue with her putting in effort and not just giving into the solution (giving her money) because of feeling bad.
Idk if this helps, but I thought I’d at-least give the advice I was told from the past boat I was in
Absolutely do not give her a dime. She’s 33.
Offer to help her apply to jobs. She’ll decline because she doesn’t want to work she wants free money whether it’s from the government/taxpayers or from you.
You have to figure out if her value system “take what you can, give nothing back” aligns with your value system.
She could find a guy who will support her and all that BUT she’ll always be expected to give something. It doesn’t sound like she’s interested in being supportive back to anyone. She just wants stuff for herself.
It sounds like she has no intentions to really apply herself and get a job. I’m sorry, but this is very soon in the relationship for her to be asking for so much money. She didn’t even suggest borrow, she just wants you to pay her bills. What would she do if she was single? Friends?
I think she’s showing her true colors. I would be very weary continuing (if you choose to do so) when it comes to matters involving money. I would hate to see someone getting taken advantage of.
Please be careful with what you choose to do, but I would not be paying any of her bills if I were you.
I don’t have any good advice for you. All I can offer is my condolences because no matter what you do from here on out, you’ll be blamed for it and it’ll likely end the relationship. For example, let’s *just pretend* you had the ability to pay her rent and some things, but it would be extremely hard for you. At first, she would be grateful and happy, but eventually she would not appreciate it and even resent you for it. Also, no matter how much you gave, at great pain to yourself and your goals, she would always need and want *more*.
The truth is, you absolutely have to refuse to help her in this way. She dug this hole herself and while you can sympathize and offer emotional support, you shouldn’t give anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Practice and strategize ways you can say no in a firm but caring way. When she inevitably says *you’re* trying to end the relationship, explain to her that you haven’t changed at all, your feelings haven’t changed, and you really hope her situation improves.
Also, plan ways to help her, whether it is resume touch ups or job posting or what ever, continue to send suggestions for her. Ultimately, it isn’t your fault she is in this situation. If it comes down to it, you might need to be the one to break up with her because I suspect she won’t get a job if she can find a way to survive without one.
She’s been unemployed for your entire relationship, this is not going to change. There is nothing you can do or say to make someone take care of themselves, they have to do it because they want to.
Seven months in and she’s emotionally manipulating you in an effort to get money. Move on.
It is not your problem. She was told by you what could happen and she has had plenty of time and opportunity to find a job. There are mountains of jobs to be had. Trouble Is, These millennials these days don’t want to work. Tell her to apply for food stamps and medicaid for now and cash assistance. Maybe BEG to move back in with her folks or set up somewhere where she can reside in a woman’s/CO-OP shelter until she can get a job. I have a relative living in a tent because he lost his car I was even paying on for awhile and refuses to find work until my other family member gets him another one. Don’t pay her rent though. It will leave her one more month free of not finding available work. Other than That, You will have problems if you do end up ever living with her. You will be her main life support.
Seriously, she sounds like a loser. Can’t hold down a job, can’t find one. Do you really want to be with someone like this? I’m a firm believer that you surround yourself with people to aspire to. If she doesn’t buck up her ideas, I’d cut her loose and move on. You’re not a caregiver here. She steps up to the mark or you need to end it.
Don’t fall for it! She is manipulating you into being her sugar daddy. If you let her move in, your done. Let this be a lesson learned that maybe she should get a career not just a job. Being content to sit on the government dole is a personality issue. A career is stability. A job is temporary. This girl needs to grow up!
The real reason she wasn’t looking for a job is because she is L-A-Z-Y and has no foresight, thinking she could be on unemployment forever. She has no ambition (was willing to just get unemployment level pay forever). I’d bet good money that she wants to be a kept woman. Unfortunately she hasn’t found anyone that will be willing to pay everything for her.
Just because you had bad relationships in the past doesn’t mean you need to hold on to one just because it’s slightly better. She doesn’t sound like she’s contributing anything to this relationship except the guilt that you won’t pay for her bills.
She wants you to take care of her. It’s time to move on from this relationship or you’ll be her caretaker for life. She is too old to be this dumb and you can’t build a successful life with someone like this unless you are prepared to do all the work.
Don’t help someone that’s not even willing to help themselves
Your girlfriend is lazy. She is 33 and doesn’t want to work. Find a new girlfriend.
To be incredibly honest, I would break up and not associate with this person anymore.
I know it’s nerve-wracking and the idea of feeling responsible over her housing situation is difficult; but this isn’t on you, it’s on her.
I get it: it’s hard out there, and don’t doubt that she was making more during unemployment than if she got a job. But 7 months in, seeing someone who was happy to coast on that money instead of looking for a job until the absolute last minute shows the kind of financial immaturity that is staggering to me (she’s 33?? 3 whole years older than me and she thinks THIS is how the world works???). Especially considering that she has no safety net- if anything, it shows she was more than ready to hoist off that responsibility to you.
I’ve been in your position- and when my partner had to ask something similar of me, it was in tears. He did side-jobs, worked uber, and made it his full-time job to look for employment as soon as he got fired; when I wasn’t in a position to help him anymore, he did not huff and puff like a child, but found his own way around, especially since like your gf, he had absolutely no safety net. Eventually he got himself back up, and I was proud to see how hard-working, responsible and kind he was.
It’s in dire situations like this that we see who people really are- and I think this woman is proving she is not ready to be a partner, much less a well-adjusted adult on her own. I’d bounce.
“Babe I love our relationship and am supportive of you in hard times, but I’m not a traditional provider. I can’t risk my livelihood —I wouldn’t be a good partner if I did. We would be a team if married, but you still have to care for yourself“
I’ve been searching for months and had someone support me. I have worked freelance though and did take something recently but they are not giving me proper breaks and meal times so I asked to work something differently. I hope he doesn’t think that of me. I’m just to exhausted with this job to even do the work in my field I’m getting and I’m trying other classes also. I was literally exhausted, crying, and couldn’t sleep. I got a job as a maid for three days but I ran out of gas before my paycheck arrived. Some of us are trying. I’m not built to work strenuous 9-5 jobs—it breaks me down. I can work hard and long in other ways — but I’m best as a contractor.
Otherwise I become a shell, but I know that about me and am honest and still out here trying.
It’s one thing if she’s depressed and seeking help and it’s a rough patch but this sounds like too much.
In my opinion, unemployment should really be reserved for those who have been laid off, cannot hold down a job due to disabilities. I have no respect for your gf who is basically mooching off taxpayer dollars for no concrete reason other than idk laziness? I’m sure if she looked hard enough she could find a job, then move up the ladder through hard work (if shes capable of it) which by the end of it would likely result in her pay being higher than unemployment.
Having said this, she seems to be setting up her life to mooch off you. This is alright if she is trying to be a housewife. If your income supports you both, maybe this is alright with the both of you. But if not, it’s your decision on whether you want to support a seemingly healthy person (and kids if it’s in your plans) for the rest of your life. I know married couples who are no longer able to live comfortably with 1 party making 100k in smaller cities.
Good luck mate.
Run away and don’t look back!
I mean, unemployment ends after a certain amount of time… so you should definitely wait until she has been able to hold down a job for a while before moving in with her. That’s not a big ask, it’s actually extremely reasonable. If she gives a lot of push back on it, then I think its a very clear sign that she is trying to use you
>Should I struggle to pay my unemployed girlfriends rent/bills after her unemployment ran out?
No.
And I say that as someone who has had periods of unemployment.
… and now I’m not sure what your problem is.
You haven’t been helping her with expenses. She’s not living with you. She’s just a person who screwed up and is now hoping you’ll float her.
She’s panicking and looking for a quick solution and then next month this will all happen again. This is the type of person she will always be. She self-sabotages and takes it out on loved ones as if it’s their problem.
Not to project but my ex-wife was like this when we were together and, because we were incredibly young, I thought she’d grow out of it and be a responsible co-parent. Nope, she did the same thing your girlfriend is doing, multiple times. She then finds a dude who will bail her out and let her move in. She’s 37 and on dude number 6 she’s done this too (including me). #6 will be her 3rd husband soon. She been “almost homeless” and in need of saving every single time (minus with me. We were 18/19 and living with parents prior to marriage). I understand your girlfriend doesn’t have a pattern of this (that you know of) but it’s still a HUGE red flag.
I wouldn’t put up with that ever again. My girlfriend and I are completely financially independent and have never needed to ask the other for minor or major financial help, only offered.