“Anne”(31F) and I (29F) have been friends for about 12 years. We saw each become adults and developed a close bond during this time.
Some context about Anne:
In the past 12 years, Anne has struggled with alcohol and drugs – although maintaining a VERY high functioning adult life: decent job, group of friends, etc. Our closest friends and I have tried addressing this with her on many many occasions to no avail – she does not see a problem with her habits. In addition, she started a relationship with a married man (60sM) who used to be her psychiatrist(!!!) about 5 years ago. They’re still together. We have tried addressing this with her on multiple occasions and she simply will not listen.
Throughout the years, multiple situations have occurred where I simply made excuses for Anne while she was high or drunk. She forced a kiss on me one time at a club, knowing I had no interest. She coerced a friend of mine (30sM) to sleep with her (confirmed by both sides). She disappears on nights out. She becomes a lousy travel partner who will boss you around and be constantly seeking for more drugs. My husband(32M) already said he doesn’t want to hang with her if given the choice.
On our last trip a couple of months ago, I hit my tipping point. I had brought a new friend (29M), “Joe” with me. Anne spent the entire trip high on weed and chugging wine while everyone else was on a sporty/exploration/hiking mood. Joe and I ended up having to take care of Anne’s dog as she was in no condition to do so. But whatever. My pattern of making excuses for her continued.
After the trip ended, she sent me a message saying she was “intrigued by the fact that she did not make advances on Joe”. And all of a sudden I had clarity. Years of poor behavior came rushing back and I simply no longer want this much closeness with Anne. If she were a man, I would have cut her off for inappropriateness years ago. Joe shared she actually did make him uncomfortable several times during the trip.
Anne has no idea I feel this way. We have a trip with my husband’s friends coming up and she invited herself. Joe and I are visiting a common friend in June and she was initially invited. I don’t want her on either moment.
So my question to you is: how do I approach this? Some friends are suggesting I faze out the friendship and make excuses for both upcoming trips. Others are saying a conversation is in order. Wwyd?
Ps.: I have tried addressing the drinking, drugs and behavior I don’t agree with(the affair) several times with no good results.
TLDR: need to minimize contact with long term inappropriate friend and not sure how.
2 comments
>she invited herself
Well it sounds like throughout the duration of this friendship, you’ve never actually done anything to turn her down or stand your ground or whatever, so it’s probably going to be a bit of a shock to her to hear you say “actually, I don’t want you to come on this trip, because you invited yourself and I didn’t have the strength to tell you that I didn’t want you there. But I’m telling you now. You are not coming on the trip with X and Y.”
If you’re not bothered about maintaining this friendship any longer, you’ve got nothing to lose by being honest.
You don’t have to straight up ghost her or have an awkward conversation where you declare that you are no longer friends – you just let it fizzle out.
She calls you and wants you to do something – “Oh darn. I have to work then (or whatever).”
You go on a trip – Don’t tell her. If she hears about it make up an excuse for why she can’t go. – “The hotel room only has room for four, sorry!”
Don’t call her. Don’t make plans.
You’ve never just drifted out of contact with a friend before? My best friend in high school and slightly after, we carpooled to school, we hung out at each other’s houses, I saw him every single day from the age of like 10 to 19. Without being in school together we just sort of slowly started seeing each other less and less. He went to college (still within 30 minutes of my house) and sort of got a new friend group. Even less hanging out. At some point we just sort of stopped being friends, no announcement or declaration, just drifted apart. I haven’t heard from him in years. We’re still Facebook friends. Our only communication is an occasional like on a post.
You need to drift apart from Anne if she’s such a train wreck and negative influence on your life. You tried to help her and it didn’t work.
If she doesn’t take the hint, and she keeps trying to forcefully inject herself into your life, then you might actually need to be blunt and have that awkward conversation.