I’m 27M and grew up in an overly religious family. I wasn’t allowed to go to sex ed or date growing up. I had an arranged marriage at 23. Thankfully I managed to learn a lot about birth control from planned parenthood and refused to have sex with my wife until she got STD checked and then got an IUD. She wasn’t too happy about this but did it anyway. A few years later she said that she wanted kids and refused to swap out the IUD. She said it was because the insertion was too painful (tbh, it was, I’ve never seen anyone in so much pain after a medical procedure before). However she was a compulsive liar and had recently betrayed my trust in a serious way, so I didn’t believe her and thought she wanted to baby trap me so I dumped her.
Now I’m dating for the first time and I’m having some success, but the fear of sex runs so deep that I’m finding it hard to take anything seriously. I asked my therapist if I can have a girlfriend but not have vaginal sex, she said no unless the girl is asexual. I’m not really sure if it’s appropriate to tell my girlfriend to get an IUD or I won’t have sex with her. I was going to get a vasectomy but after a lot of medical research I’ve decided the risks are too high (I’m a PhD medical engineer and know how to research, I don’t just read any bullshit online). My best option for self reliant birth control is condoms and pulling out, but I have doubts as to how reliable that is.
I guess my question is how do I approach sex? If I just keep on dating the woman, how do I bring up sex? Do I just wait for her to bring it up? What am I supposed to say when they bring it up. How do I keep myself safe (against STDs and baby trapping) without being weird and creepy? Can someone explain it like I’m a teenager? Because that’s where my sexual maturity is at unfortunately due to my up bringing.
9 comments
>My best option for self reliant birth control is condoms and pulling out, but I have doubts as to how reliable that is.
Condoms and pulling out (because you don’t bust in her with the condom on) are between 99 – 100 effective last time I checked. You’re good, bro. I think you may need to go back to that sex ed class or take one catered for adults to calm your nerves. I imagine your religious upbringing also is party to blame for it. They lowkey scare mofos about fucking.
You can’t go around forcing women to get IUDs. I don’t think you should have sex or a girlfriend until you’ve learnt a bit more about respecting womens bodies and their choices. It is incredibly painful to get an IUD inserted, especially if you have never given birth before. Other forms of birth control exist and it will be a woman’s choice to take them.
You probably want to talk more with your therapist. And wait for a long term relationship to have sex. Honestly the fact that you’re paranoid about baby entrapment says a lot more about you than women. It happens. Is it an big thing? Fuck no. So paranoia that your condom is going to bust AND you are with the extremely rare case of someone lying about her birth control use? Incredibly, incredibly low. You say you’re an engineer? You should understand probability.
You’re talking a one in a hundred risk multiplied by maybe, in worst case, one in a hundred. So 1 in 10,000 that sperm makes it through. And even with unprotected sex the odds of a woman falling pregnant just aren’t that high.
So, you’d need: the condom to fail: the woman NOT to be on birth control, despite telling you she was, her to be in the appr 4days/28 that she’s fertile, AND that particular lucky little sperm to be the one. Even if all that happened (!!) I think the odds are like 10% even if in the fertile window.
Do you realize how crazy that is??? Let aside horrifyingly crazy paranoid you are about about women being lying pieces of garbage. That’s the bigger reason you need to have a long conversation with your therapist about that particular belief.
How are vasectomies dangerous? Thousands are done every day.
I’m sorry I have no answer. But just wanted to give you props. I’ve never heard a question asked so eloquently.
its called outercourse, and lots are women are into it/prefer it to piv?? where did you find this therapist. also IUDs come with risks and discomfort just as much as vasectemies. this is extremely selfish and don’t be suprised when women take you up on the offer not to have sex or when they break things off. freeze your sperm if you’re so worried about the risks. you have to see the hypocrisy here.
reasonable women will understand if you want to abstain from sex. reasonable women will understand why both partners should get std tested. but they have every right to question your motives and character for insisting that they alone get a risky medical procedure done. you will be severely depleting your dating pool by bringing up iuds. this is an option that women look into when they are in trusting relationships, not when they are in the beginning stages.
condoms, birth control, outercourse, abstinence are all great defences. if you need more then that for your peace of mind then that’s on you.
No – you can not tell anyone what to do with or put into their own bodies. you should communicate your fears about having a baby and stds. Tell the person you are dating how you feel about sex and let them do what they want with that info and go from there do not have sex with anyone until you are both on the same page and you trust them
you seriously need help.
talk to your therapist more about this until you are ready to have sex without fear of std or babies. it’s 100000% inappropriate to ask your girlfriend to get an IUD. it’s her body, she decides what she wants with her body. or use condom, it’s effective 90% of the time.
Take dating very slowly and build trust over time. Sex is the least of your problems with this post full of panic and anxiety. I’d start by setting up a date and just trusting that the other person will show up. Bring a book and learn to be okay with some people cancelling or not being there. Dating is very difficult and you need to build a sense of inner peace where you feel confident and laid back enough to put yourself out there.
Do not rush into anything and do not take your pants off until you feel relaxed and comfortable around someone. Once you do, wear a condom that you brought and pull out. You can put off intercourse for as long as you want through hand jobs and blow jobs. On top of that, women experience most of their orgasmic pleasure through the head and structure of the clitoris. You can stimulate it with your hands or mouth from both outside and inside the vagina. Take some time to google female anatomy and real lesbian sex to get some info on how people are having good times without intercourse.
Remember there’s millions of people out there having great sex without penises or just avoiding intercourse altogether so if you still want to partake in sexual behavior but are having intrusive thoughts and anxiety about intercourse, don’t limit yourself.