Mostly a lurker, very rarely a poster. I’m a 33F and my boyfriend (36M) have been together for just shy of a year. Overall, I’d say our relationship is really good, with a few exceptions as with any relationship. Especially for me, given my very toxic and abusive previous long term relationship, I’m still navigating how to be in a healthy relationship.
Lately, things have been a bit strained between us. Nothing definitive. Less sex than normal but physical affection hasn’t really changed.
Given my background when things are off between me and someone else, I hyper fixate on it and hyper aware of minute changes. The other day he came home from work, we were chatting like normal on the couch. He was on his phone looking something up for us that we were discussing. I got up to do something and leaned down to give him a kiss. As I did so, I happened to notice he was texting someone a female (I swear I wasn’t intentionally looking, just the way we were angled). As I did so he almost immediately clicked his phone off and put it down. Now this isn’t someone I’ve ever heard him talk about and I know she isn’t a co-worker. Immediate red flag. But I kept quiet, waiting to see if anything was said or brought up, nothing was.
Later on that night, we got into an argument in bed (it was super late, we were both tired but hadn’t been able to sleep, both just had not great attitude). Of course as I just laid there my mind started going crazy. By the morning, I was next to positive he was cheating on me. Just that gut feeling ya know. When he showered (and I’m not proud of this, I have lots of trust issues, but this isn’t something I generally do) I briefly and quickly went through his phone. Found their text thread and read through it….doesn’t seem like she’s interested in him that way but they definitely knew each other previously. He’s saying things like “she always looks cute” and he’d like a “her name fashion show”. Asked if there was room for him over there. Talking about meeting up and grabbing a drink after she gets off work (on a day he knows we’ll be together and when he won’t have a car). Mentioned he went to dinner with his parents….a dinner I was at. He didn’t mention me…ever, at any point. I screenshot everything.
Same man who also this morning told me that were partners and he needs to be more mindful about my past when he says things and how he says them. That he only ever wants what’s best for me.
Spent the day texting me from work making sure I was okay. Brought me home stuff because I didn’t feel well. Slept with me in the couch because I wasn’t comfortable in bed and held me. I just don’t get it.
I guess I’m asking if I am wrong for feeling like this? I don’t really know what I’m asking if we’re being honest. Just feel so lost.
3 comments
Personally I wouldn’t class this as emotional cheating as you have labelled it simply because for me he has gone way beyond that in trying to invite himself over to hers asking if there was room for him over there and also asking to meet up with her after she finishes work and to go for a drink etc. for me that goes beyond emotional cheating as he is not just the once trying to arrange to meet up and that shows intent to do far far more than emotionally cheat, it shows that he is more than prepared and willing to actually cheat in a sexual context
This is serious. It’s not ok for him to act like it. He’s clearly missing something from current relationship with you.
If you both wanna stick together in the long run I suggest talk about it and fix it.
Or you should split before he/you caused more damage over this.
That’s my take.
You know it’s completely possible for a man and a woman to be friends (and even grab a drink and hang out at each others place) without ripping each others clothes off. The FIRST comment immediately goes there though without knowing any details, any context, just he’s cheating and you need to dump him. You said they know each other…is it possible they’re friends and he’s afraid to tell you because of how you may react due to your insecurity? You flat out said the texts showed no interest-if they are in fact friends maybe that’s just their dynamic. You can feel however you want but jumping to conclusions is never the answer. This is why you don’t go through your partners phone, you’re not going to be able to stop thinking about this and you can’t ask him about it without telling him you read his texts. How do you think he’ll react to you violating his privacy, AND screenshotting? You snooped his personal correspondence and then took copies of it for yourself. Would you forgive that? No, you 100% wouldn’t. What if he proves immediately they’re just friends, and then in the next breath breaks up with you for doing what you did? I imagine at that point knowing they’re only friends wouldn’t make you feel any better huh? You can either try as hard as you possibly can to put it out of your mind, or confront him, come clean, and take your chances with getting tossed to the curb.