This is a recurring theme but only with specific topics. There are certain things we are ague about that have been ongoing for YEARS. Small things like him never doing the laundry, or generally keeping on top of the household.
Today I brought up something multiple times throughout the day and that we have spoken about in significant detail many times before (basically he leaves his clothes everywhere until there is no surface left and I have asked him to come up with a system for worn clothes – e.g find a spare drawer or hang them inside out so they are still put away). He has constantly told me he will do it but still hasn’t so his clothes are yet again piling up everywhere. **edit* – to clarify I mean clothes that have been worn but will be worn again (like a jumper you had on for 30 mins or a pair of jeans you would wear more than once). He has a laundry basket but it is always overflowing because that’s another job that piles up too**
Main concern:
Throughout the day (and the week) I asked him to move his clothes and he kept saying he would….then tonight he came to bed very late and I woke up. As he got into bed I asked again had he moved his clothes and he said no. I then asked him “why not though?”. He then lost his temper and told me to stop “having a go at him” and said he didn’t understand how I could have a go in the middle of the night (he had literally just come to bed so wasn’t sleeping or anything). My voice was very calm when I asked, it was literally a question because he keeps telling me he will do it but doesn’t….I was taken aback by his response and asked what had happened while I had been asleep to upset him or make him angry (he claims nothing and that it was me making him angry). I then called him out for getting angry at me in response to calmly raising something I’m rightfully not happy about (especially when I had done so multiple other times that day but his repose was always “I’ll do it later”). There also doesn’t seem to be any dispute about that fact that he should be doing it.
This has happened before and we had a big long talk about it not being ok to be so defensive or to lash out when I raise something I am upset with him about – he agreed and apologised.
Background:
I want to point out that my husband does do a lot and this isn’t a situation where he is slob and I do everything. The biggest issue by far is him not ‘maintaining’ things and generally keeping on top. Instead, if I don’t do it then things pile up, the house gets into a complete state and we spend entire weekends cleaning just to get back ‘on top’ again. I can’t for the life of me get him to for example just put things away when he uses it, or hang up clothes once they are dry. This has, multiple times, led to the two of us spending the whole weekend cleaning just to get back on top of things. In general he claims that he thinks maintaining would be a better system.
2 comments
Can maybe try buying lots of laundry baskets and put them in each part of the house. And have him put it inside there whenever he feels like getting his clothes off.
Here’s the question: **What would his place look like if he lived alone?**
The answer to that question tells you a lot.
When you have a go at him about it he’ll agree with you and take your side because he doesn’t want to fight. But he does not care. He, as an individual person, would be just fine with things piling up and then doing big clean-ups every so often. (Or not even that, just living in clutter.)
Another thing to think about is this: **What reaction were you expecting by asking him if he’d been a good boy and done his chores as he’s laying down to bed?**
Joy? Gratitude? Mirth? Humor?
Believe his actions. He doesn’t care; you do.
And it’s his home where he lives, so his style of living is just as valid and equal as yours. It’s not his obligation to do things the way you want him to do them.
– You kindly ask for his help maintaining a home that makes you feel good in your specific way.
– You don’t pester about it.
– You don’t give him a little test before he goes to bed.