We are both in our early 30’s and she has way more experience in dating and relationships than I do.
The longest relationship she has been in was 5 years and it was a polyamorous one. She claims to want a monogamous relationship now.
The longest (and only) “relationship” I have been in was three months and that person wasn’t exactly truthful about the exclusivity of that relationship.
Apparently, I’m the first guy she has been with that actually tries and puts effort into dates. Arguably, I put more effort in this potential relationship than her, but that’s on me.
Anyway, I have been dating this woman for two months now and have been really enjoying my time with her. However, we had a rough weekend three weeks ago when she said she was going to visit this guy she has been talking to. We are not exclusive yet, and apparently she’s not ready to be yet, but I didn’t feel comfortable with it and told her. Essentially I said, “you are not wrong to go, but I don’t like the idea of you spending the weekend with another guy.” Also added that if she goes then maybe we need a little space so I can think about what I am okay with and that she can think about what you want. Didn’t intend for that to be an ultimatum, but it came out as so I guess.
Tears were brought on from both sides, she felt like I was punishing her and being unfair. Essentially we both triggered each other’s insecurities. In the end she didn’t go and spent the weekend with me. We talked about and are seemingly good now.
She told me she sees something long term with me, but not this other guy. However, won’t be ready for exclusivity for another few months. This hurt, but said I’d give it a shot.
We used to see each other three times a week and spend the weekends together. However, she feels a little distant now despite hanging out almost as often.
I’m confused because if she really sees something with me for the long term, but not this other guy (who lives much farther away), why is she holding out.
I asked a friend and he thinks she wants her cake and eat it too. I hope this is false, but I can’t help but think of my last “relationship.”
Though unlike the last person, she has been seemingly open and honest about everything.
4 comments
What I’m getting is a bit like what your friend says. She sees you as a good long term monogamous partner however she’s not ready yet to be in a monogamous relationship.
At this point you have to not give an ultimatum but make an ultimate decision. You can either say “Ok, I want this to work so I’m willing to wait until you’re ready” or decide you’ve waited long enough and look elsewhere.
Personally I’d do the latter and tell her when she’s ready to to exclusive to let you know.
To me, it almost sounds like she would prefer to be in a Poly relationship than one that is monogamous.
I do tend to agree with you – if she sees a future with you, and, not the other person, then why the desire to spend a weekend with that person?
I am sorry but may tend to agree with your friend on this one. If the desire on her part was to always be monogamous, then why is there is an issue to be exclusive now vs a few months from now?
>She told me she sees something long term with me, but not this other guy. However, won’t be ready for exclusivity for another few months. This hurt, but said I’d give it a shot.
Why anyone who wants a long term monogamous relationship would voluntarily put themselves in this situation is beyond me. So do you want a long term monogamous relationship? If so leave this situation…you want that and she does not…that’s not her problem it’s yours since she told you she does not want that. If you don’t want a relationship like that then why the hurt? Value yourself more like why would you accept a situation that you say “hurts”? Absolutely 0 chance I’d tolerate this behavior but my goal is a long term momogamous relationship and that behavior is contradictory to that.
There is a simple axiom, invest in people who invest in you.
For me, you should have a good idea if you want to date someone seriously, note i say date not marry, about a month in. You’ve been together for 2 months and she sees a long term relationship with you, but still wants to play the field. Since shebdoesn’t see one with this other guy, the only reason she would date and see him is for fun, and he dosn’t sound like a good friend of hers so its dating. She isn’t putting as much effort into the relationship as you are. You are just seeing her, but she’s obviously still in contact with other men, meaning you have very different relationship standards and goals. These are all massive red flags. My advice, step back and look at this as dispassionately as you can, write everything down as fairly and openly as possible, holding nothing back and read it. What would you tell a friend I your current situation?
This will sound harsh, but frankly, it sounds like she wants you around as a safety boyfriend while she has fun, and is taking advantage of what sounds like a kind and innocent nature for her own pleasure/comfort.