So the other day I (M31) went on a date with a woman (F32) I met on Hinge. We had a lot of fun, she was easy to talk to, and I think she’s fucking pretty, we seem to have similar views on topics close to my heart. So, I ended up spending the night at hers. Next morning I pull some fresh clothes for my bag. At that moment she realizes Ive brought toiletries and a change of clothes, in case we would indeed end up spendIng the night together. She said it came across as presumtious, she further reflected that she wasn’t sure whether that’s a negative thing. I then said that the reason I brought these items wasnt because she came across as ,easy’ or ‘cheap’ during our online chats.I brought them because I’d rather have them and not need them than need them and not have them.
We’d decided on a second date near the end of the first, so it must not have been a major red flag for her.
Two points for clarrification
1) Date-related items I brought were: Change of clothes, toothbrush, deodorant, hairbrush, eau the toilette, stuff for my contactlenzes, condoms. (Not in order of appearance haha)
2) I dont bring an overnightset on every date I go on, since spending the night woth someone is not a goal in and of itsself for me. I try and weigh my mood, my schedule for the next day, perceived chance of actually getting invited back to his/her place.
This situation got her a major green flag in my book because she remarked on something related to my behaviour she found odd/weird/sucpicious. The way she brought it up was very non-confrontational and the resulting talk was constructieve.
One thing I realized travelling back the next day: I’d say about 80% of my days i plan between Monday and Friday. This particular date was a Saturday. So my theory is that when someone arrives to a date with a backpack, the other person will assume it’s a pack used for work and the person carrying said bag has come directly from work. But on a Saturday where I had already told my date my shift finished a couple hours before our date, I dont have that ‘excuse’.
So i suppose my question is: If you find out someone has taken into account that you might spend the night together and has come prepared accordingly, how would that make you feel?/what would you think about the person bringing the backpack,?
27 comments
I would appreciate the fact that they plan for everything. It’s nice to be organized. And I think you said it perfectly: I’d rather have them and not need them than need them and not have them.
I would feel like you believed I was cheap and easy. While she communicated it well I don’t think you scored points. And that sex was expected and assumed, making her question if it happened naturally or was your intent all along.
Oh yeah, I always took an overnight bag on dates. Like you said, better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Never had a woman react negatively to it though, it was either neutral or positive.
As a woman I agree with her 100%. By bringing those items it sounds like you were hoping/guessing you’d get laid on the first date and thus that she is “cheap/easy”. Also it would seem like you do this a lot on other dates too. Not a good look.
you didn’t do anything wrong and she’s overthinking it, bringing essentials when there’s a possibility you won’t be coming home for whatever reason is a responsible and adult thing to do
I bring a bag with changeup clothes with me almost every time I go out, not just on a date, just put the sports bag with extra shirts, underwear, spare toothbrush, deodorant in the trunk and I’m good
edit: god the typos…
I personally like to be prepared for the unexpected so it would be hypocritical for me to judge someone else who likes to be prepared. As long as you didn’t act presumptuously or as if you were entitled to having sex, then I don’t think it should be an issue. It’s okay for you to carry around things that make you feel comfortable and prepared. Clearly she was okay with you sleeping over even though it was a first date so she can’t really be too upset that you considered that was a possibility before leaving your house and decided to be prepared. Also just curious if you speak French.
I’d be impressed, but I keep an overnight bag in my car all the time so I’m biased.
Anecdotally, my girlfriend was pleasantly surprised when I got out pancake mix and raspberry preserves and started making breakfast the next morning. I stole the idea from Casanova, although his equipment was far more elaborate including not only eggs and salted butter, but also a saucepan and an alcohol stove.
Just say it’s your gym bag that you carry a spare set of clothes/essentials in in case you workout before/after work and don’t have time to make it home.
i always have an overnight bag in my car. condoms depending.
Personally, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. It would be different if a majority of what you brought was sex-related (toys, lube, etc) or if she told you upfront that sex wasn’t gonna happen. But (to me) it sounds like you wanted to take care of your hygiene and brought the protection as a just-in-case.
Classic Schmosby loll
I always have a full change of clothes and stuff to spend the night in my trunk every time I go out, whether a friend’s house, a date, or a bar. You never know 🤷♀️ I think it’s good to be prepared. I never want to impose on someone, so I like to have my own stuff just in case.
I think it’s a green flag. It shows you think things through and you’re always prepared to take care of yourself.
Shoulda just said you keep a bag in the car of change of clothes etc
I actually tend to keep a “hoe bag” available at all times in my car. Change of clothes, toothbrush, basic toiletries. But I always have it available–I’m not bringing it on specific dates. And it actually comes in handy beyond just sex. (Last minute run or beach day, for example). Being prepared is smart and useful, but being selectively prepared and making the other person aware of it is always going to come across as presumptuous and off. It’s a delicate dance, for sure.
I don’t understand why she made the “presumptuous” comment it seems to be a redundancy given that you did stay the night.
She could have seen the lighter side and asked, “Were you a boy scout, they are always prepared as well”.
Back in the day, I always had an emergency/go bag in my vehicle… in case I was out late and had to work, sudden plans after work, mishap where I needed clean clothes ( like a spill, mud incident, etc.)
So I wouldn’t think much about it. But I’m a guy, and I used to run occasional last minute road jobs, got stuck in Customs, etc.
I’m the same way, even when I go out clubbing I bring extra shoes, a hoodie, toothbrush, face wipes, contact lenses stuff because I’d rather have it than need it and not have it. No matter how weird it makes me look lol.
Same thing with a condom… like it’s be irresponsible to not bring one but presumptive to bring one? Like u can’t win might as well do what makes sense to you!
This made me lol because the very first guy I started dating from OLD, I literally texted a few hours before our (2nd) date and said “Would it be presumptuous of me to bring an overnight bag?”. However I recognize my female privilege because I already know the answer is yes and it would not be the same whatsoever in the other direction, lol.
The only time a man came over with stuff, he also just had a fresh t, boxers and toothbrush in his backpack and it was very unassuming in its minimalism. It also wasnt our first date (but it was his first time at my place) so it was very logical to assume he’d be optimistic for a sleepover.
It seems like something that in the context of a guys behavior could land right or wrong. Its reasonable in these times of casual sex that a guy would be prepared to stay over, and its his character and behavior that makes it feel offensive or not. ie; giving lowkey fucboi vibes on the date is very different than genuine connection and interest in her followed by the overnight bag. Sounds like you were the latter, plus shes cool so she was able to believe your good intentions and not take it offensively.
And, why shouldnt someone be comfortable waking up and brushing their teeth and wearing clean clothes? We’re all adults and we’ve earned our way out of ‘walks of shame’ in the morning lol.
Sidenote- OP you brought a lot of stuff. If a guy brought cologne, hairbrush etc I would be like “how often does he do this? Hes got a whole system?” which might be part of the reason she was a little ‘wtf?’ haha. Keep it minimal and it wont look so “I expected to wake up there”.
Eau the toilette I fucking can’t
I’m a dude that does this as well so I’d be impressed and excited if a woman did this lol. The condoms are a bit bold depending on what your intentions were with this person. Maybe next time keep them in your pockets?
As you can see from some responses from women: some said it is presumptuous and others said it is good to come prepared. Every woman sees it differently. I think in your case it depends on the vibes you give off. are you very flirty, touchy-feely, trying to get to first base, etc. or are you well controlled, authentic, and giving off the vibe that you see her as a person you can form a genuine connection with as opposed to a ONS, fling, or fwb.
Well I hope things work out for you!
Hilarious that she would get mad that you thought you’d ended up spending the night…after you ended up spending the night. sounds like she is insecure about her own decision making. somehow it’s such a bad thing that *you* think she’s the type of girl that would let you spend that night on the first date, hut not a bad thing that *she did* let you spend the night on the first date. doesn’t really make sense
Ehh it’s fine in my opinion
Like you stated, you’d rather have those overnight essentials than not and I agree with you
No different than if a guy I’m seeing buys a new box of protection & stuffs it in his bedside table. Better to have it, than not
A first date might be a little much, but I don’t know if it would put me off…. I think it would depend on quite a few things. If we’d been talking for a few days and I felt that things were clicking well, maybe it’d be okay? (Edit: okay, meaning, I wouldn’t give it a second thought) But either way, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it presumptuous.
If a first date goes well, I always go home, even if it’s 3 or 4 in the morning. But I do take a larger purse and pack essentials on the second date.
Oh no you didn’t. Unless it’s pretty crystal clear how the evening will end, it’s pretty presumptuous of you. Most Women do not like this.
I think 1/2 of the comments here are taking it all to be too much. I think it’s smart for you to be ready for anything. You could’ve stayed out late with your date and found that you needed to change clothing in order to drive home more comfortably and or if there was any type of changes in the date you had clothing to change to if it required it. I would put you down as a well prepared man. Not like you were carrying around some bdsm items or lube and such. Plus, I’d rather have a guy I’m dating taking his oral hygiene seriously, too many guys walk around with tart on their teeth and still expect to get laid after it’s seen lol.
I F[34] love being prepared, extra shoes, etc, especially if there is even a 5% chance of not going home, I need some fresh clothes to feel good. I used to wear contacts (got laser now) so I remember wanting to sleep over at friends house but couldn’t.
That being said, I am 100% with the girls side and would have done the same in terms of communication/expectations…especially on first date. like you were expecting sex wtf 😬 😆
Wow speed. Love at first sight. Sex at First date.