25F – Men can never stay hard with me?

37 comments

1. Yeah, that’s weird. But the one thing that stands out to me is that it sounds like you have a set pattern of how things go. Like it’s too consistent vs what I’d expect. That sounds to me like you end up doing the driving. Maybe that’s putting them off because they’re feeling emasculated by you? If I’m onto something, why don’t you take a more “go with the flow” approach, and follow their leads for a change? My 2c. Otherwise – again – only if I’m right and it’s at best a stab in the dark – you’ll need to find guys who are subs by nature and into that.

2. It does sound like they may have been anxious or something. Have you talked with any of them about it?

3. Stage fright.

4. [deleted]

5. Can be the condom.

6. Definitely sounds like performance anxiety, the 5 partners in a row just sounds like ironically bad luck

7. I’ve actually ran into a lot of men here recently that couldn’t stay hard with a condom on. They were rock hard before the condom and once we started over and skipped the condom, no issues.

8. As others have said, maybe you are really beautiful and they get scared. Are these one night stands? Or do you try again the next day, or the next? Is it in full working order a few weeks in or do you just not see them again after the failed attempt?

9. Are drugs or alcohol involved? Those can mess with an erection.

10. Is it the first time with all of them or do you try multiple times? I’ve had performance anxiety the first time a few times, especially if I think she’s almost too good for me and really want to make an impression. Once I’m a bit comfortable I can go multiple rounds back to back.

11. Sounds like you’re an absolute bombshell who is confident and that makes guys super nervous which can lead to performance anxiety. This happened with my now wife the first time we ever got together and I’d never had that happen before and thankfully since. Just talked to her about it and was good to go.

12. There is the peripersonal space and the extra personal space. Peripersonal is everything we can reach and touch this moment, extra personal is anything we need to plan to get, whether it is 3 feet or 3000 feet away. The act of fantasy, the extra personal, is always going to be better than the actual getting of the thing. This is linked to dopamine, but in this instance likely also a way that these partners express their sexual needs on a more regular basis. Basically, they are so used to fantasy and the extra personal (what they can’t reach) they struggle to stay in the here and now, they are high off the chase and when they get it they don’t know what to do.
    Read the molecule of more. I imagine this has to do with their primary method of sexual gratification and not at all you. They are used to their hand not a vagina, and they are used to imagining, not actually having. Chapter 1 of “the molecule of more” is really cool and may give you some insight about the way these chemicals drive us.

13. It may just be random chance and porn as others have said.

    Another factor might be time?

    >We’ll be hanging out, then kissing/making out, I’ll start teasing them over their pants, they’re rock hard, little more making out and grinding against each other, strip, make out/tease some more, still hard

    It depends how long each of these steps are but basically it may be that you’re getting them super excited and then teasing for sufficiently long that the erection wears off?

    Might be worth reducing the amount of time spent teasing and getting to the sex faster once you’re aware they’re nice and hard? Assuming you are ready too.

    I also think it sounds like you’re quite dommy so you might enjoy exploring the BDSM community, there’s a lot of subby men out there looking for women doms so yeah plenty of choice if you want it.

14. You left out very key information. Are there condoms involved? I’m guessing yes with the 5 and no with the long term partner. If that’s the case, that’s simply the answer.

    Before 30 I could stay hard no matter what, condom or not. I’m not sure exactly when it switched but after 35ish with a condom is a crap shoot. I never have an issue unprotected but if I’m using a condom, which I do with new partners, I use drugs to make sure.

    Either way, it’s probably not you. Regardless of how you look, these men are choosing you so they are obviously attracted to and turned on by you on some level. I think it’s just a string a bad luck.

15. Is your house cold? That kills me pretty quick

16. Just trying to use my own experiences as a man to mention some things that could be factors that you may or may not have control over:

    – how long does it take to ‘get it in’. If it’s a drawn out process the focus on that and lack of physical stimulation could make the erection go.

    – how do you grip (/pull?) the penis? I think I’ve told the last three women I was with “gentler, please” when theyve touched mine. It’s sensitive… like a vagina. It’s doesnt need much more than full skin contact with a hand.

    – it sounds like you might be skipping fellatio and handjob as a part of foreplay? These are basically things that in my life are always done by and for both parties before sex (I don’t get to completion; she sometimes does and sometimes doesn’t get to completion). This stands out the most to me from what you’ve written. Spend 5-10 minutes with everyone’s clothes off before penetration occurs and then see what happens.

17. Keep a cock ring next to the condoms in your drawer? Nerves happen, and maybe you’re being modest and are intimidatingly hot (either in appearance or in how you do foreplay).

18. Another key question. Are you always in the same position with these people?

    I find that it’s very difficult for me to stay rock hard if she’s on top, I’m not leaning forward, and it’s a new partner. If I’m on a couch it’s fine but Mattress and I’m out.

    Are you always starting on top?

19. Sounds like you may be pretty petite. Are you generally on top or bottom? I ask because I’m 6’4” and once hooked up with a very petite girl and was quite nervous about hurting her. I had the same issue with my wife when she was pregnant and trying to avoid hurting the baby.

20. I suffer from performance anxiety and I originally had the reaction of what the heck is going on. I would bank on that.

21. 108 lbs with those measurements? Is that even possible? Lol

22. Nerves?

23. SNL Shana character by Kristin Wiig.

    Not an assertion, but lots of other folks have covered lots of likely bases, so, I’m saying evaluate something different, too.

    Do you have a “mode” you go into? Sounds you start to make? Drop your voice 2 octaves? Start making comparisons to other partners? Fava-beans/Chianti noises? Off-putting pillow talk?

    Maybe, you’re just.. funny? I never used to be able to take humor/laughter during sex. Now, I don’t care.

    It’s likely just a string of dumb bad luck, but a working theory that it’s _you_ could let you at least evaluate tons of things with curiosity.

24. Performance pressures and anxiety about it.
    “This time I have to stay erect.” “Hopefully I dont’t disappoint this girl.” “Please let me have my erection.” We know what happens after those thoughts.

    I know it feels personal to you but most likely it isn’t. How did your long term relationship differ from your other sexual relationships? My guess is there was trust and both of you felt safe. It was ok not have most amazing sex all the time. It was ok to be who you are with all the insecurities, anxieties and difficulties.

    Porn in particular creates unrealistical expectations for men to stay rock hard and last for hours and just be emotionless, unsensitive fucking machines.

25. Dear OP,

    I’ll share my experiences with my own erectile disfunction here, but first let me say this: I do not believe by all means that you are doing anything wrong. You seem like a compassionate and sensitive person and that is all that counts and all you should need for a fulfilled sex life. Please don’t let anyone tell you that you are “too dominat” or “agressive”. If men are feeling intimated by you, they’re not worth it. Full stop. But I don’t believe that this has anything to do with you personally anyways.

    As others have pointed hout, you seem to have a streak of real bad luck here – 5 guys that suffer from the same condition in a row is, of course, loads – but this particular problem has become extremely common among (young) men. Virtually every man* I have talked to about this has had the same, or at least a similar, issue in the past. I’d like to call it “penetration fright” for now. I’ve suffered from it pretty much all my life. What struck me immediately about your post was that you DO have indeed sex with these men, and they DO NOT have any problem “keeping it up” as long as you’re not about to have penetrative sex. So these men are obviously turned on by having sex with you. Again: It’s not you. They’re not intimiated by you – they’re intimated by penetration.

    Penetration is usually regarded as the centre of heterosexual sex, sometimes as the only thing that is “real sex”, while oral sex, handjobs etc. is just “foreplay” (pretty weird if you think of lesbian sex if you ask me). Therefore it’s here where men – like me – feel the most pressure during sex, for a couple of reasons.

    a. Traditional concepts of masculinity put a lot of pressure on men. They are supposed to be “dominant”, “strong”, “brave” at all times, especially, of course, when they’re with a woman. But obviously no one can be all these things at all times, and men often feel that they are just as weak and anxious as anyone else. Penetration is usually regarded as “entering” someone, “taking” them. Dominating them. You could view Penetration as something enitrely different of course – “taking in”, “embracing” the penis with your vagina, which would give the woman a much more active role in perception – but it’s mostly seen as the act of male dominance per se.

    b. Mainstream pornography is everywhere and it very much enhances this idea of the ideal male sex partner as this ripped stallion with a rock hard, extra large dick that can penetrate for hours on end without cumming. Young men see this, they see it all the time. There’s too much porn these days, you can’t avoid it, and there’s so much porn addiction, too.And these young men know that they can’t do it. Because they’re not as large, because they’re not always in the mood, because they’re insecure sometimes, because they’re not as built. In order to “get it up” though, you need to be relaxed. You need to feel safe. You mustn’t feel this intense pressure to perform.

    c. Pornography also is an outlet for real intercourse with a partner – it fells more safe, since there’s no one else involved. Sex with someone else is a fragile thing, you need trust, patience, you need to learn how your body and the other person’s body feels and how much you DIFFER from these porn actors. Vice versa, if you gradually replace a real sex life with porn, you will feel even more insecure with real partners, since almost your entire sexual experience is limited to seeing these very extreme depictions.

    (Please note that I don’t have anything against porn in general – I just think we should be aware of what it does with us.)

    Many men feel safer with other sex practices like oral etc. because they don’t feel as much pressure to “perform”, to “please the woman”. This seems to fit your description quite well.

    I’ve experienced this anxiety with any long-term sexual partner, whether I was in love with them or not. I’ve had “successfull” penetrative sex with all of them, but sometimes it just wouldn’t “work”. Sometimes me not being able to maintain an erection before penetration would last for weeks or even months on end. I felt such intense pressure when I was about to penetrate them, I was so afraid to “fail” that I couldn’t relax at all. Not being able to perform made me feel even worse, I felt like I was no real man at all, and put even more pressure on myself. Other practices were less of a problem, since I didn’t need “to be a man” there, I could just relax, enjoy, pleasure my partner. Still I felt like a failure.I was caught in my own spiralling thouhts of abysmal shame. It was only over time that I realised that the only thing that might help me out of this was talking about it with my partners and finding out what the real problem was – the problem at the core of my own ideas about masculinity, heterosexuality, sex in general. I realised that I don’t have to be a stallion to be a good lover. But that I have to listen to my partners, to trust them and to simply enjoy – with or without penetration. It just doesn’t matter. You can have sex in so many fulfilling ways. And still to this day, I sometimes think I’m no real man, because I have these issues. Even though I know that’s bullshit. That’s just how deep this runs.

    Now, if the guys you were with didn’t really talk then that’s on them. You can’t have good and fulfilling sex if you don’t open up about your anxieties and insecurities. This is hard, especially for men, who often aren’t told how to express their feelings. But it really is the only way.

    For you, I think, it’s best not to worry too much. This, again, is not about you, but about us men in general and all the shit we put ourselves through. If it happens again – just do something else. Then talk about it. If they don’t wanna talk at all, well, who needs men who don’t talk?

    Good luck girl, and may the next guy be a little bit more relaxed.

    (* I’ve also talked about this with a friend who is a trans woman. She’s had the same experience when asked to penetrate someone. So this can also simply apply to anyone with a penis.)

26. Did you engage multiple times with the same guy in any of these 5 guys or were they all a one time thing? Things often get better with time

27. From my experience, I’ve found it’s normally one of two things for me. Either I’m addicted to porn at the time (me and porn are like Johnny cash and heroin man) so no matter how much I’m enjoying the moment, one person just isn’t as stimulating to your brain as a different porn actress every 3 minutes. This might not be 100% of the problem, but if he’s beating his meat twice a day every day, it could be something to take into consideration. Also, over time guys can develop a tighter grip as they masturbate and basically desensitize their penis to any realistic degree of stimulation you’d see during normal sex.

    Now, anxiety is the worst boner killer known to mankind short of an angry mother in law beating at your door. I find if my head isn’t 100% in the game the whole time, I will lose my erection, and I probably won’t get it back cause now I’m anxious about being soft, and it really just snowballs from there. I have to be 100% focused on what’s going on, and not just into my partner but in the right headspace otherwise I’m gonna suddenly ask myself if I did that thing I needed to do at work. Then, suddenly my boner is gone, I’m lowkey freaking out in my head, my gf doesn’t feel hot, and the night is probably ruined.

28. Being nervous has 100% killed it for me. I once was so nervous with my ex that I was basically having convulsions like I was freezing to death. Very embarrassing. BUT, this is most likely the case OP

29. Have you let them take the lead? It sounds like you are “in charge” of the process. I [M] find that when that happens, simply changing positions (getting on top) helps me feel more in control and makes things easier.

30. How much pressure are you putting on the guys during foreplay, like what things are you saying?

    I remember hooking up with one girl that was particularly hard to stay erect for because she seemed super confident and kind of demanding before sex started, so it felt like a lot of pressure to perform.

31. Multiple reason this could happen

    .one night stands aren’t for everyone. Some people need to be comfortable with a partner.

    . You may be more attractive than you let on. Stage fright is real

    . Drugs or alcohol are involved

    . You have a type and it’s depressed people who are all on anti depressants.

    It’s more common than people think though. Everyone is embarrassed by it but they shouldn’t be it’s just part of life.

    If it is the bottom 2 not being drunk or high will help the anti depressants is a shit show… I only even brought that up because I knew a girl who dated 2 different guys from this group therapy (which you weren’t supposed to do ) but know for a fact they were both on antidepressants.

    If it’s the first 2 removing the stress is the biggest thing. The world has become more secluded and more ‘fake’ the real thing becomes scary. Getting to know them better or making sure everyone is comfortable.

    Alternativly and this is a big one is there any chance your actually dating a bunch of koalas with convincing prosthetics? If that’s the case then we are all doomed… If the Koalas have learned to convincingly pass off as humans than we are truly in the final days of mankinds rule.

    Don’t put it on yourself though either way Koala or not.

32. Are you seeing these people multiple times or are they hookups? Lots of people take 1-2 sessions to get used to a new partner.

33. I suppose this is why women fake helplessness, strong independent women scare men who lack confidence. Men who lack confidence fantasize about rescuing women who then reward them with sex. Perhaps you are dating guys who are on the average side of confidence and you are a confident woman.

34. Put it in your mouth and jump on it. Easy

35. How long is the foreplay? Unfortunately for women, some/many(?) men may not be used to extended foreplay and staying hard that long.

36. Show me a picture of a hot woman and it won’t get me hard. It’s not just about “am I hot enough” or anything like that. Attraction is a complicated thing to measure. More importantly though boners are maintained by a specific mindset. There are a huge number of things that will kill a boner for a guy and very rarely is it the girls fault.

    He might jerk off too much which makes it harder to stay hard

    He might feel performance anxiety. This might have nothing to do with you but maybe it’s directly related to you. When a guy goes soft on you, what’s your response? If you show even a slight sign of distress over your partner going soft on you, they might take it personally (as in they feel like they have failed you). If it stressed you out, it’ll hit him 10x harder. That’s a recipe for never ever getting a boner. He’s going to pressure himself to stay hard so he doesn’t disappoint you.

    Could be alcohol drug related.

    Could be dehydration.

    Most likely it is #1 and if they stop jerking for a few days they’ll be right as rain.

37. If it’s happened mostly within the last three years it could be COVID-caused ED.