Title. Girlfriend (23F) broke up with me (24M) on Tuesday because she feels she isn’t able to put 100% into the relationship (which has been true). She has some trauma she needs to unpack and is going through some major life changes.
She had previously said that she’s been codependent in relationships her whole life and needs to find herself as a person. And that was fine with me, I gave her space and support and didn’t guilt her into spending more time with me. But this time she said she needs to figure herself out on her own.
Girlfriend said she would love to reconnect in the future after she sorts herself out. She said she still loves me and cares about me deeply but just needs time.
I feel devastated but told her that I would support her if she needs it. She has texted each night and we talked about how we are feeling. She is feeling confused and apologetic that she hurt me. I want to reach out but don’t want to be the one to text first because I want her back badly, especially because she needs space. I’ve read that going no contact is the best approach but I can’t bring myself to completely ghost her.
Is it the right thing to just let the situation progress on it’s own and only communicate when she reaches out, or should I periodically reach out. What are my chances of reconnecting in the future?
18 comments
Stop talking to her. I’m sorry, but stop. You don’t have to ghost her. You can be firm, but kind. “Hey, if we’re breaking up, I want to be broken up. It hurts me to keep in contact with you, and be unable to move on. I’m going to go no-contact for a while. I wish the best for you.”
Breaks are terrible, IMHO. It’s a slow, agonizing, usually negative alternative for just breaking up. Most of the time, the person who wants the break ends up dating a bunch of other people, the person who was “breaked” pines after the person “who is coming back, definitely,” and it’s just this endless mess.
If she wants to date you, then get back together. If she doesn’t want to date you, treat her exactly as you would ANY break up. I.e., get distance. The chances of reconnecting in the future are very, very low. But if it happens, great. You don’t need to pretend she doesn’t exist, but you need to tell her you’re forming a boundary, and then stick to it, and stop answering her.
She is going to date other people before coming back, if she ever does, just be aware of that. Break = there’s someone I want to explore things with right now. Be glad because it’s better than her cheating, and don’t wait around on her.
The thing is, if she wants to work on herself or she needs some time to focus, theres no need to but the relationship off to do that. Breaks make no sense in relationships, life is always going to shovel shit in your way and part of a relationship is being able to give the other person the support they need in these times, even if its some time away.
So with that said, i believe that while i understand what shes saying, the fact is that handling it this way just makes me believe the reason why she wants to be single is to experience other people and see if she really wants to be with you.
Its the only thing being in a relationship prevents her from doing, she doesnt have to see you every day or talk to you every day, she can take time to focus on herself, but if the relationship is hindering her, the only reason i can think of is shes either
A) being nice and letting you down gently, or
b) she wants to experience other people without cheating
Either way, were i in your situation, if the relationship ends im done. In either case, i dont think shes wrong for breaking up with you, shes young and can find herself and experience life however she wants to, but at the end of the day your emotions matter too, and i think the healthiest way to move forward is to move on and be firm about keeping contact minimal.
What I can tell you is give us space give her a break at that time work on yourself as well because if you really read into what you wrote you sound codependent as well yes you may love her and all that but if you truly love her and let her do whatever she needs to do to find herself and then in the meantime you work on yourself and if y’all happen to get back together or something like that then cool whatever if not so be it that’s the way life is sometimes.
100% there is another guy she wants to have sex with.
>She had previously said that she’s been codependent in relationships her whole life and needs to find herself as a person.
Unless life seriously kicks them in the ass, codependent people do not change. And they certainly do not exit a relationship with no other relationships on the horizon. 10/10 she’s found another dude she wants to pursue things with, but– like the codependent person she is– wants you as a fallback in case things don’t work out. Save your self-respect and go NC with her.
You’ve been rejected. “Space” and “break” and all that are just coward ways to say they want to end it.
Stop talking to her.
Simply say you can’t be friends as you are obviously desperate for her , and when she wants a relationship to call then and only then.
In the meantime move on
Go no contact and go out and find another girl. Most likely your ex is interested in a another guy and was (to her credit) enough of a good person to end it with you before going to him. Stop talking to her. You’re pushing back your healing every day and not actually grieving the end of the relationship.
She’s still being codependent if she’s texting you every night. If she truly wants to work on herself *alone* then you both need to cut contact
You do know that it’s a strategy to leave someone, right? Right?
A long long time ago, I was you, with a woman I thought I loved very much telling me she needed space to.work on herself.
An older wiser friend told me this:
“If you were Mr right, the one that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, you better believe she would find a way to work on herself and keep seeing you”
Take her words for what they are: a break up
Now ask yourself how much energy you want to dedicate to someone who has broken up with you.
Just ghost her. If your relationship requires a “break” there are always alterior motives at play. Go do some shit you like doing and stop talking to her
Stop texting her, cut off all communication. She doesn’t need to work on herself. That’s an excuse to go have sex with other dudes. You are not her therapist. Let her go. I know it hurts! Go do fun stuff with buddies.
Facts, if she loved you, she would find a way to be with you. !
Being in a healthy relationship allows each partner to grow. You should always be “working on yourselves”. This is a stupid excuse, she should at least be honest with you and say she wants to see other people or whatever. She also wants to leave you on the hook as a backup.
Don’t be a backup, move on with your life, you’re about to hit a stride.
A few days ago I found elsewhere something I saved, and I think I’ll leave it here as well:
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>Another one I’ve found is if she hits you with the I need space message, don’t respond and just ghost her. Then, 9/10 she’s going to be offended and continue to message you. Then after a bunch of messages and you sense her rage boiling, hit her with the, please stop messaging me. I need some space.
Peace, brothers. Stay safe, focused and strong!..
If you love her. Give her space. Trust she will come back. She just needs to recharge alone.