I made a very lengthy [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xtuhb1/my_wife_34f_and_i_34m_are_at_a_crossroads_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) the other day in r/relationship_advice but sadly received zero replies…I guess it was too long. So I’ll keep this as short as possible.
We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4 and no kids. We have sex twice a month at best. It sucks, in that I want to be having it more. I have a high sex drive: I am always attracted to other women and masturbate during our “dry patches”. Whereas my wife almost never initiates.
The sex is great when we do it, but probably feels so because we’ve got >two weeks without it.
Over the last couple of years I’ve come to only really look at her as my companion and best friend. I love her to bits, but that physical “spark” (where you sometimes just want to rip their clothes off) has completely gone.
We talk a lot about it, and have tried various things but can’t seem to make any progress. The last time we talked, for the first time we discussed the possibility of breaking up. It was very emotional, and neither of us actually wants that to happen. But a life with no sexual chemistry sounds equally sad and lonely.
If I could brainwash myself so that my wife became the only women I was sexually attracted to I would. I want to stay with her and I want to have kids together. This is the only thing that is negatively affecting our relationship.
Please, please, please, do you have any advice?
28 comments
Open up the relationship?
Have you considered seeing a couples therapist together
Not too sure.
You guys are clearly very devoted to eachother, you are just on different wavelengths sexually. Have you looked into couples therapy? You might find an underlying issue that is contributing to your sexual incompatibility.
I’m not seeing any “surface level” issues that a Redditor would be able to address. Clearly you both want to make it work, so perhaps you need to try seeking professional help.
If your relationship is great otherwise then you should find a middle ground. It’s normal for couples to lose the “spark” after so many years together. You get attracted to other women because they’re new, and the exciting to explore, but be with one long enough and you end up in the same situation.
so what’s the solution, well first thing would be to admit there is a problem, second you discuss it, so great you passed those two phases, now phase 3 is how to fix it, that depends on many factors, but I would say it will need lots of work from both of you.
from her side, she needs to look after herself, her looks, dress nice, wear makeup, dress up, feel attractive and wanted, not only by you! This will greatly boost her self appreciation and feel more “needy”
As for you, you need to give her the chance to do so, give her time and space to look after herself and be pretty, don’t let jealousy get in the way, and enjoy her when she’s ready.
A few more things you can do is read erotica, role play things you like in bed, have fun together! You need to feel more like lovers and less like married couple.
Anyways, this would be my advice from life experiences, i’m not a professional so feel free to see professional help as well, in many cases it can save your marriage and help you both be on the right path
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/xunqiy/what_are_the_reasons_why_men_dont_initiate_sex/iqwfjtq?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Have you seen Silence of the Lambs? Remember what Hannibal Lector said? You desire what you see. You need to stop masturbating and looking at other women. If you need to masturbate do it to pictures of your wife. Ask her to dress sexy for you or buy her or suggest she where’s outfits that you like. Then look at your wife look at her everyday and see her. See her curves and beauty.
Then fix yourself. If you want more sex be someone that someone else would want to have sex with. Wash the dishes. Diet and exercise. Wear good cologne and the right amount. Dress in clean sharp dark clothes. Get you a plain black and a plain red t shirt. And NO neck beards. Up you sock game. Dingy white socks are not a turn on. Read books (l suggest A walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson). Run a 5k. Go listen to some jazz or blues. Take her swing dancing. Just Be interesting and be present. Take her for walks or ice cream.
do you guys still “date” each other?
You say her native culture is very conservative sexually?? Have you ever thought that maybe she doesn’t initiate because she’s always been taught that in her culture the women are to be subservient to their husbands. As you’ve said she isn’t sexualized like most women outside of her culture might be….maybe she needs you to grab her hand, open that door and walk through it with her. Your wife will be the biggest sl^% for you if she’s treated right. If she never says no when you initiate, you’ve got to show her it’s ok her for to want and enjoy sex. Up until now shes probably always been made to believe it’s a job she’s supposed to suffer through and to just take it when you want it. She can’t want what she doesn’t know exists.
Sex is great… for you? or both of you?
Great sex and only twice a month doesn’t add up. What’s the missing part to this story?
Been there, done that.
Best solution that we could find was to introduce various toys and accessories. It’s a lot easier if you don’t have kids i believe because with kids, it’s difficult to find a time and a place.
Ofcourse, antidepressants can also be the cause as i one time found out myself.
And anywas, 2-3 times a month will be normal after 15+ years together. That’s what i’ve had for the last 5 years of our 20 years us being together with my wife.
I’m going to second u/RavenShield40. Speaking from my experience, I wouldn’t be surprised if part of your issue is that you don’t feel particularly desired by your wife. It’s hard to always be responsible for initiating, because that means that you end up being the only one being rejected. Even if it’s not personal, just her not feeling well or something, it hurts a little bit each time, and it’s cumulative. Eventually your brain protects you from the pain by disengagement.
Tell her that you need more sexy times. It doesn’t matter whether it’s penetrative sex, or if there’s any orgasms involved. What you need to focus on is being sexual with each other. Naked cuddling, fondling each other. Playing grab-ass in the kitchen. It’s about both of you relearning to view each other in that way. It’s about having fun.
You need to communicate all of this to her, preferably with a good marriage counselor.
Do you have sexual fantasies which you have yet to bring up with her? Would she be receptive to those conversations? Is there something you wish she would do which she isn’t doing?
When did this start?
Ask yourself:
Is “wife” or “girlfriend” sexier?
Is “new partner” or “we know what we like” sexier?
Is dinner sexier or is bungee jumping?
Is solving a puzzle together sexier than cooking together?
Is learning sexier or practiced skills, such as woodworking or piano?
Which turns you on more, slutty or classy? Naked or lingerie? Spontaneous or all day tease? Nudes or sexting?
Spending a long weekend together or seeing each other after being apart?
Figure out if your wife has accidentally slipped into the non-sexy categories. What made her sexy before?
Would she be sexier if you weren’t married? Try taking your rings off at home and put in the work to wooing each other. But this virgin/whore type thing really requires therapy to unpack.
Or if you didn’t know her as well? Have her take some time every week to herself. Ideally she volunteers, or takes a class, or joins a club. But, most importantly, she can’t tell you anything about what she does. Tantalizing hints about what’s she’s been up to this week? Sure. Otherwise, mystery.
Or if she was learning something from you? Or maybe if she was better at something than you?
This isn’t an easy or quick fix. It’s going to require figuring specifically what isn’t sexy about her to you and unpacking that.
Is she on birth control? You might want to see what kind of birth control she is on. That is usually why she is never in the mood. My wife used to be super horny all the time but now once she started bc its dry. Doesn’t like it when I kiss her during sex or suck her nipples. You might want to try some libido pills
Sometimes with therapy and whatnot the spark comes back and sometimes it’s just time for the relationship to end as hard as that may sound.
Did you try asking yourself why is it like that? I was in similar situation only that we weren’t married. Unfortunately for me it was because she gained a lot of weight, stoped wearing nice clothes and underwear and in general didn’t care about her looks and health at all. I didn’t want to admit that, because I felt like that makes me complete asshole. Once we went to wedding and I saw all the women dressed up, nice makeup and normal bodies (my gf went from skinny to overweight) I realized that I think my partner is the least attractive person in the room. It sucked I felt horrible but I just couldn’t be with someone I am no longer attracted to. I was pushing myself to have sex with her. I had to end things, I didn’t want to live my life like this.
My man, every two weeks? You had me beat by a ton. When I wad married I’d be lucky to have sex more than 4 or 5 times a year.
Have you tried going back to dating? Lots of couples forget that you still need to date even after you’re married. Also, maybe try to spice it up by buying her lingerie or toys. I’d even go so far as to say see if she wants to open the marriage up.
You’re going to be posting in the dead bedroom sub reddit in a couple of years. Get the divorce. You don’t want to spend years and years being unhappy.
Never been in your exact spot (only 25 and never married) but had issues with an ex where she never started it and it made me not care about her sexually. In the end it was a big reason for us ending. That was because she wasn’t willing to work on it. Your wife seems to want to work on it. It is hard to want it when you’re the only one starting it. Even if it goes well. So best thing I can say is have your wife make it a goal of hers to start it once a week not on a schedule. Just randomly start it when things are good
Something that doesn’t make sense to me: you said there isn’t a physical spark, but also say the sex is great when you have it. Is the issue the frequency of sex or the lack of attraction?
You may want to look into Responsive Desire. Especially if the following fits your situation.
​
>Over and over I get women that come into my office that struggle with desire. Their partner is frustrated, they are frustrated, and both often feel stuck in what to do about it. He might think “why doesn’t she want more sex?” and in search of the answer his mind often lands on things like “Is it because I’m undesirable? Is something wrong with her? Is there something wrong in our relationship?” And on the other side, she may think “I want to want to have sex with my partner” and because she feels the absence of desire she too tries to understand and often blames herself “is there something wrong with me?” – Sound familiar?
>
>To those questions above that swim around in both partner’s minds, the answer is there is nothing wrong with either of them or the relationship. Instead what has happened is the sexual side of the relationship has been set up in a way that doesn’t embrace how most women experience desire. And it isn’t your fault. You may have heard me say it before but I’ll say it again: No one teaches us this stuff! So I want to help you understand more about the dominant desire that most women experience so you can change that frustration to more ease and desire in your sexual relationship.
​
[https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire](https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire)
Stop masterbating and only ejaculate when you have sex with your wife
I feel your pain. I was there once. We tried marriage counseling twice and it failed. I fell deeply in love with someone else. Amazing chemistry. I filed for divorce and now I’m in a committed and exciting marriage. Try to fix it via therapy. If that fails, cut slingload. Why? Life is too short. My opinion might be unpopular, but it worked for me.
A therapist who is well trained in multicultural work would not have you serve as interpreter— they would hire an outside interpreter to join the telehealth appointment. I am a therapist and have conducted family therapy with interpreters in sessions. It does present some challenges, (time for interpretation, cost of services, confidentiality, etc.) but with a good interpreter, it can work!
I’d recommend reading the book “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch together if you can find a copy in her language. It’s based on Bowenian Family systems theory and is quite good.
Maybe see a couple’s counselor. If sex is a high priority for you, then you need to communicate that to her. If twice monthly isn’t enough, then figure out what a compromise could be. Does it always have to be PIV? Could you just have her touch you while you jerk off? There are work arounds that don’t require a lot of effort so that she doesn’t have to feel like she’s doing more than she wants.
I’ve only been with my SO 2.5 years and the sex is already starting to wane but not for lack of my trying. He just doesn’t want to do it as often as I do. It’s been challenging but I just keep trying to communicate it’s importance to me.