I have just started dating one of my closest friends last month, whom I’ve known for years. There is a lot of attraction and we get physical very often. However, I feel that since it is a friendship turned into relationship, maybe he doesn’t treat me that well. As in, takes me for granted probably.
I’m saying this because there are times I am very busy but really dying to meet him. I tell him and he gives me the logistics of how it will be difficult to take out so much time for both of us..But I feel bad that he never suggests/ offers to pick me up from my place, as that would give us more time (it will mean him driving for longer though).
I get that it is unfair to expect a guy to drive 1 hr and not meet him half-way. but we always meet half way, every time. And he never once offers to drive to my place . As a rational person I’d say it is fair, but as a girl who watches men around me drive 2 hrs to pick their gf up, then go out for dinner with her, drop her home, and then drive back home for 1 hr..It hurts a bit, makes me feel like I’m not worth so much effort for him, or I’m doing something wrong ://
Also, we never go out to fancy places/cafes. I don’t like them so much, I prefer a simple walk. However it still makes me feel undervalued, as I compare it to how other men treat their girlfriends, and the lengths they go to, just to be around them. Can you relate?
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But do you ever drive the whole way to see him?
On the contrary, I’m sure plenty of his guy friends have girlfriends who do things that you do not do. I’ve had girls fly internationally to spend time with me. I’ve had girls eat my asshole. Had girls buy me gifts when I didn’t get them anything. You don’t do that stuff for him. He’s under appreciated by you based on your rationale. Do you see the flaw in this way of thinking now? Other men doing something does not mean that your man should be doing it just to appease societal norms. Your expectations should not be based on society or other people’s relationships-they should be based on your wants and needs. If you are being honest in saying that you don’t like fancy places, he’s literally listening to you and catering to you by not taking you to those places. That’s a *good* thing. Why would he want to take you somewhere you don’t like just because your friends like it? You’re an individual.
So your pissed that he does not do as much for you as other guys do for their girlfriends. You sound like a child that needs to grow up. Have you ever done for him what you are asking for?
You are putting an unfair expectation on your boyfriend based on what is happening in other people’s relationships. Maybe he doesn’t like driving or he has had bad experiences or is a poor driver so he doesn’t want to drive so frequently for so long.
You should also probably talk to him about it. You said it best yourself when you said the rational part of you sees it as fair.
I personally like to drive and I’m the type of person who will be an old man still driving despite the fact that by that time driving will likely be automated. Driving people who are important to me from place to place satisfies some deep primal desire I never question and when I am by myself I either walk or drive because I enjoy the freedom either brings.
I’m older-ish, 54 years old.
I would absolutely, positively do the driving.
And, this being 2022 and all, I would absolutely love it when the woman does the driving. But I would go on the assumption that I would do it…and as you said, if that gives me an extra hour with the girl, then I am going to do it.
How old is he? Is he very experienced?
You may need to tell him what you are looking for. He may honestly have no idea that this would be a great thing to do, and it would mean a lot to you.
Men need to learn what women want…it’s not innate. And that’s totally understandable.
Also, every woman wants something different. So he really should be in tune with listening to the woman and taking note of what she is saying.
So…you should say it. While you are looking him in the eyes. And you tell him that it would make you feel good, and it’s important to you.
You seen the gas prices lately shorty?
The excuse I’d give is that you live an hour away and your suggestion, if around my place, will require 4 hours of driving for me.
Oh, I don’t own a car – easy.
I’d be happy to spring for an Uber or ride with them if they were concerned.
You expect more from him than you are willing to bring to the table yourself. You even expect things from him *you don’t even want*.
This relationship was doomed right from the start.
Sounds like you need a new guy, one who will go the extra mile for you, since reading some of your responses you’re the type of gal who will meet her man more than 50%. Sometimes friends first relations don’t make the best couples. Just something to marinade on. I know a lot of great guys who drive hours for their sweeties. My ex sure did back in college, 3hr each way every weekend. I love driving & won’t think twice to meet my sweetie. Good luck!
How often have you offered to drive to his place? I understand that him picking you up would give you more time, but a relationship goes both ways. When I was dating my wife every other weekend I drove 4 hours one way to her place. On the other weeks? She drove down to see me. It sucked for both of us, but it was fair.
Can I relate? Not really no. I do get his side though. It’s impractical to drive an hour in the other direction if you can meet halfway. Unless there’s an emergency/special occasion/ we’re meeting at their place or their place is in the way of the destination, i wouldn’t drive off on a tangent either. I used to tell my gf to just Uber to my home and then I’d drive. I’m not an uber, and she understood that. Simple. Imo the frequency of meeting, chats, calls, or …fancy restaurants, etc have don’t matter whatsoever in relationships (for me).
Also, the timings issue. -one of the reasons I’m not into relationships anymore. Schedules get hectic, time to spend with people gets reduced. People rarely understand that.
It you’re upset you’re travel is 50-50 then ask him to do 100 and you take over doing his laundry and dishes. Because while they’re some guys that drive further than your bf, there are also girls that are far more domestic than you
My wife and I pretty regularly go the extra mile as it were, even though we see each other every day. Her work is about an hour from home, mine is about 30 mins. I’ll drive to her work to take her to lunch on my day off. She’ll bring me coffee on her way home. One time I was working graveyard and she got up at 430 (about4 hrs early for her) in the morning, drove to my work,and took me to breakfast after I got off. Then we drove separately 30 mins back home. Made me feel really nice. In case you couldn’t tell we live pretty rurally.
I don’t think that it’s a weird request that he come all the way to you. So long as you go all the way to him sometimes too. That sacrifice you make for each other makes the act feel that much more special.
Might also be that you two speak different love languages, and what each of you feel is filling that love tank isn’t filling it as much as you think.
Or he’s hyper stressed about finances and deflecting it on to the relationship is easier than communicating it. NOT A HEALTHY THING TO DO, but I’ve been there especially when I was younger, just need better communication, and more confidence in the relationship.
Did you drop him an obvious(!) hint already?