Im 35. A firefighter paramedic. In school to get my RN as well. Been married 9yrs. Have a 1.5yr old son. Very happy life, great family, friends, etc. Nothing missing there. But the last few years, ive really started to sense kind of a longing.
I realized eventually its that i miss the possibilities and “adventure” of when i was younger. That freedom you have when you’re 25ish and can go anywhere or do anything at any time. You have time to start over if u want. Nothing tying u down. Freedom. There was also the excitement of dating and all the constant newness that brought. And dont get me wrong, i love my wife very much.
But im finding it kinda bothers me that my life is pretty “locked in” now so to speak. It very much feels like the rest of my life is just gonna be fulfilling my responsibilities and then clocking out to die one day. Maybe this is a low key midlife crisis lol. I dont know. And most of my friends i talk to dont seem to be able to relate. Im pretty self aware, so having noticed these feelings i want to be proactive in managing them and i figure the first step is here, asking other men if they can relate or what they did to overcome it. Thanks in advance.
Edit: I have no problem with responsibilities. I enjoy my life and i dont want to go be a frat guy or party or any of that. I just miss the adventure life used to be and mentally am kinda bothered knowing my life is mostly “set” now.
30 comments
I’m 44, with a 7 year old son, so I can relate to that feeling.
The way I deal with it is by being sure to carve out time for creativity.
Because if I make something new every month or two, some song or story or piece of software or *something*, then at least I have a body of work that’s still growing.
And it leads to new experiences. Last year I got to open for K.G. of Tenacious D. It wasn’t the biggest show ever, it isn’t rock stardom, but it’s certainly something I hadn’t done before.
So it feels like there’s *something* in my life other than “clock in, clock out, support the family, relax, wake up one day and realize it’s over.”
when youre young, the future is a great big question mark. anything can happen..your story is unwritten. thats both scary and exciting. who knows what will happen! and then at some point, those chapters eventually get written and the great big question mark fades into a great big answer. for the cristiano ronaldos and obamas and jay z’s of the world, their lives exceeded their wildest dreams. for the rest of us, not so much. i too miss the unknown..the chance of anything potentially happening…of a wide, bright, open future. as you get older, those chances dwindle.
when i was 20, i had no idea what the future held. it could be anything! it could be great! now at 47, i know the answer to that question..i know how it all turned out. the mystery is gone. and tbh it wasnt all great.
Yeah bruh welcome to your early mid-life crisis. It’ll pass.
I am 37 and I have 0 debt and I can leave my job at any time with the savings I have. I can travel, start somewhere new and basically have all the freedom and adventure you could ask for.
When I read your post all I felt was jealousy. I want to be depended on. To have an impact that matters. I want people to miss me if I just up and leave. Id trade with you in a heartbeat to have a meaningful job and a family.
I think you’re in the grass is always greener kind of head space. But you are living a great adventure.
I’m 49 and feel like these are the best years of my life. I’ve got so many things to be thankful for. My wife, daughters and grandchildren not to mention I have a generous surplus of money at the end of the month. Life is good! I know that I probably only have 25 years left and I’m scared that it’s going to be over soon. It’s all part of life I guess.
This is an internal, you, thing. Has nothing to do with age or where you are at. You want those things seek them out
Two areas to consider here to me. First, and its due to you successfully living the dream and doing well for yourself, try to focus a bit on the idea that you’re living in your 1.5yo son’s past. ATM he’s too young to remember what’s going on, but in time, make each decision as if it is something that he’s looking back on in 20ish years, either telling friends or therapists about when discussing his youth and his family. As much as being FF has probably kicked you’re ass, you’re still young enough to be fun for him, and you have a desire to be young enough for yourself. Don’t get yourself in the rut of being the dad that punches the clock, has no life stories, or adventures with them outside the office in his life.
In line with that is, be spontaneous still. Don’t get pigeon holed or stuck in a rut. Pull up stakes after work when you have a couple days off and just go somewhere. Get a motel and explore the area, plan to go camping at each of the national parks, or to spend a few days in each state, etc.. You’re 35, you’re not dead, and he’ll look back and thank you for those adventures.
As for you directly, until our kid was probably 6 or 7, the night time was the wife and my time. Which is to say, if she wanted to go out with her friends, or I wanted to go out with mine, once the kid was in bed, one of us might go hang at a friend’s place, hit a bar or movie, etc… still be social, so long as we were back by sun up or so for family time. Again, you’re a 35yo dad, not a 75yo retiree. There’s a whole world out there to enjoy still. You just have to give yourself the time and permission to enjoy it when you can. Don’t let the ‘honey do’ list rule your free time.
I should add, as a father, alone time was one of the things that I’d miss the most. I’d hop out at night and just drive to distant places, listening to the radio and enjoying the stars and the night air. It isn’t for everyone, maybe a ball game would be your escape, but if you need that in your life to maintain balance, just tell the wife. I’d expect if she married a FF that she’s a pretty tolerant sort and would understand as well.
Good luck with it all!
I’m 53 married. Once the kids grow older, wife and friends started back on living like we did when we were younger. Just be patient, be a father, enjoy the change
40, single, well paid, no kids, I feel like I’m just getting started. Tons of friends, I travel all the time, I live in LA so it’s full of high quality single women my age to have fun with… I’m still full on in my younger days brother. 35 is just barely getting started, it’s all in your mindset.
We’re always nostalgic for what we saw as a simpler time. Fact is, it was also uncertain but it’s passed and if it went well we assume it was great as it was taking place. Beats the anxiety that comes with ambiguity in the present.
Taking an honest look at your life will show that the same fears are issues were likely there before. You just have more responsibilities today.
I’m a male RN who got my degree at 35. Honestly the amount of financial freedom has helped open a lot of doors since increasing my pay. I hate to sound like money matters that much but I’ve been able to afford experiences, hobbys, and time off that I never could have otherwise.
You’re bored. And you’re nostalgic. A man can be happy living in a fox hole, with the right philosophy. Nothing about your future is “set” in stone. The purpose of boredom is to stir up good trouble. Don’t take it as a “sign” that you took a wrong turn. Take it as a sign that you are stuck thinking about the past, and way too worried about your future. Your present self, which is the only “real” part about you, is bored as fuck and needs attention. I am going to send you on a quest, and you should take it seriously. You need to turn inward, and explore what “manhood” means to you. I recommend you begin reading and journaling on your free time. I highly recommend the following books, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, and Shackleton’s Way by Margot Morrell and Stephanie Capparell. Regardless of your path in life, whether you are “settled down” or “adventure bound”, the secret to a fulfilling, and happy life is the pursuit of virtue & self excellence, the living in the present, and the stoic handling of your daily emotions. And by stoic, I mean the philosophy, not the contemporary hogwash bullshit which chalks up to “be an emotionless man”. No. Be a stoic. Great men before you had the same questions. Read their journals and begin to write your own. If you’d like, I can help hold you accountable.
You are very well spoken. I like how you put that…very self aware. I feel the same. That alone gives you a leg up towards happiness compared to others simply because you know yourself and what makes you tick. I think all your feelings are very understandable and probably quite common. However, guys like us can spend too much time in our own heads. So if anything, I wouldn’t be so worried that these thoughts are going to haunt you and stay the same forever. You evolve as you age too and so will your perspectives.
That is why I try not to linger too long on thoughts and emotions that can lean towards sad or negative. It doesn’t mean those thoughts are necessarily incorrect, but if it doesn’t make you feel good or improve you, there is literally no point dwelling on it. I try to focus on only the positive things…i know it sounds cheesy…it always works for me. I tend to get very nostalgic to the point of sadness, and can easily slip into regret or think about what I am missing out on. It is hard to prove those feelings wrong too: I DO miss being younger, I DO wonder how things could have been if I did it different, I DO know that there are people leading more exciting lives…but if I let any of that make me feel down for even one minute, I am 100% wasting my time. So I choose to only think about the good stuff: I LOVE that I have so many happy memories and a great family…I LOVE that my life, even when stagnant, is a journey and if I changed ONE thing in the past (like not settling down so I could experience more romances) then I would literally have a completely different life in which some things *might* be better but I will absolutely have missed out on SOMETHING that I cherish in this life…I LOVE that despite the fact that some people have it better, I have such a better life than soooo many other people. It is just where I put my head at to stay enjoying life when I have feelings like yours.
So some days you just gotta soak up how awesome things are.
Take the wife out, show her off, relish that she is yours and no one else’s. The feeling of craving new partners will always be there no matter how many lovers you have, it is in our DNA. Maybe spice it up, start getting promiscuous in places that might get you in “trouble”. Get that excitement again. Put her in scenarios that might make you jealous. It is hard to reignite the pining you experienced when dating better than seeing some other man “noticing” your wife.
You gotta a badass, fulfilling job. You can be proud. You may not need to crave the excitement of the unknown if you can sit back and appreciate that you conquered your life. And that journey isn’t over either. Who knows where that can lead or what you end up doing.
And you are a dad. Now you can pour as much awesomeness as you can from you and your wife and make the coolest little person possible. And his journey can start to be a part of yours too.
Sorry if i got too corny. You sound cool. Good luck with everything and don’t let those nagging feelings stop you from soaking up all the awesome stuff around you everyday.
Falls under “ignorance is bliss”
Nope. Wife, two kids, three pets. I’m happier right in this moment than I have ever been in my life.
Your freedom will come back and you’ll have even more money when it does. One day that child won’t need a babysitter any more.
It’s that first kid. Nobody tells you about the feeling you’re having. I try to warn my coworkers to be ready for it. It’s definitely a sense of loss that offsets all the awesome shit that comes along with being a parent. For most dads, the fun part is when your kid turns 3 or so and can function to some degree as a human being. They become more of a sidekick. Try to look forward to that.
No matter what age you are, everything is possible.
You’re 35. You’re barely a pup. Starting over is your middle name at 35.
Nothing gets worse as you age. *Everything* gets better.
Make it so.
(You’re the only one who can).
35 here. Been with my partner for 10.
Before her my life was a wild ride of alcohol, cocaine and whatever sounded like fun, every day at work a hung over adventure. Started the day with cursing myself and the powers to be, got to work and yelled along to death metal while getting shit out of the rising cabinets, by then the shop opened and I had to turn it over to popular pop music, ever heard an angry angry man singing along to Taylor swift while pulling trays of buns out of the oven and praying to Cthulhu to just make that shit go boom.
My sweet rolls were amazing tho. 18 hour moisture and temp controlled rise before egg wash and steam cook. I won awards for those fucking sweet rolls. All awarded to the cunt I was temping for, for 14 months. Even won best sales during the time. Guess who got the bonus. Not this guy. I digress.
What I learned tho, in my twenties, in retrospect. It really weren’t that great. Had some awesome fun drunk/doped outta my mind and some fucking insane parties. And that’s about it. Met my life partner halfway to thirty and that’s great, but aside from that my twenties is fuckall.
So you young people. If you have the possibility, get a god damn education while young enough to learn, partying is a dumb waste of time till you get older, and always go hard no on Ivan.
And to OP: nothing is set in stone. You could live another life tomorrow, it would just be a shitload of drama. Unless you already got offshore accounts and a second passport.
The thing about life is just when you think you have it all figured out.. 💥💥💥
I feel a great comfort for living where I want to live. I try to carve out a few hours a week just for me. Nothing crazy, but 2 hours in a bar makes me feel myself again. Then I enjoy my family.
When my son went off to college I had my adventures and had money to do them. You’ll also be able to have wonderful trips with your partner and child.
I know what you mean.
I’m 41. I’ve been a soldier, a sailor, a coastguard officer, a police officer and a firefighter. Now I’m in law enforcement for a government department overseeing marine conservation. I’ve got a wife and two kids. I have a pilot’s licence. I can’t think, really, what else I could want.
But I do want *something*. I’m in the middle of joining the Air Force reserves because I think I have an idea what the something is and that’s a good place to find it that I haven’t looked before. I think I just don’t want my days of danger, excitement and derring-do to be behind me; what am I if not that guy?
I’m a bit younger than you. Single, no children. If anything my life is the opposite of yours – I have nothing tying me down because my life is quite empty. I don’t have a family or a career that I love and I’m terrified that I will never have those things. You feel locked in. I feel locked out.
It’s perfectly normal. I’m from a massive Irish family and all my siblings have mentioned this- and at the same age; mid-30s.
I’m a decade older than you and I still wish I could get on a time machine and go back to the 80s and 90s. Endless adventures, bombing down hills on my bike with friends, getting wasted and waking up in a park not knowing where the hell we were, deciding to get in a friend’s car and drive out to the beach and watch the sunrise, going camping out in the wilderness after deciding to do it just two hours prior. Total freedom!
Even now, in my forties, I still have the same stupid habit when I get drunk- putting on 80s power ballads or some other song like Breakfast At Tiffany’s and pretending I’m a teenager again. The nostalgia is like a time machine in itself and does wonders for me. You’re never too old to dance round the kitchen like an idiot.
Sometimes this sense of “I’m missing out” stems from basic exhaustion or stress- maybe look into that. But it often just stems from knowing you had a hell of a lot of fun in the past.
You’ll be fine though; maybe you just need some more sleep (you’d be amazed at how many times that’s the real issue!).
Believe me, you’re still going to have plenty of adventure in your life, whether you want it or not. You’ll also have time to seek out new adventures when your child is older. You may choose to seek out some alone, or with your wife (who’s your lifelong partner-in-crime now, if you’ll think about her that way), and some with your wife and son later on, but there’s always something, somewhere, a/o someone new to experience (that last was in a platonic, “hang out with a larger-than-life character I just met” sense; I’m in no way suggesting you betray your wife).
You’re living many people’s dream life, true. But you can also have that dream life and live your dreams, too. Go to Greece or Yosemite National Park, try skydiving, kayaking, or zip lining, go to a bar or restaurant you wouldn’t typically choose to go to and see who you meet… Enjoy your life; it’s finite.
Old guy here.
10 years from now, you look back and miss these times. You’ll have these little “crisis” moments your whole life – you’ll always remember the good. Don’t obsess over it, you’ll just make yourself needlessly sad.
These are all chapters in a good life.
I’m 39, married and I have a newborn at home (my first kid and there will be more). I’ve held several business development roles over the past 20 years, but I still wonder about who I am. My job has very little to do with it though. Or as Kurt Vonnegut said: “We are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anyone tell you any different”.
The way I see it, an average person will do 10 big things during their lifetime (buy a house, get married, earn a degree, raise kids, travel the world, write a book etc). Maybe 20 or 50, depends on the person. So life’s really about the next big thing. Your next adventure.
What do you want to do? Start with that. Sure, having a family limits you somewhat, but there are always tradeoffs in life. Same is true for having a pet or getting one degree and not the other. It’s not something to dwell on. No good can come of it.
There are also a million things you can and could do. You’ve checked all the boxes put in place by the society we live in. But you can build a bunch of new boxes. Some with your family, some with friends and some alone. The game of life is far from over.
You are the average of 5 people you spend the most time with. Make sure those people are not focused on things lost (reminicing about the good old glory days etc) rather have people in your life that seek out the next big adventure. People with a growth mindset.
I’m about 60. Kids grow up, they get their own homes, they move away. And you will be sad when that happens, but you’ll also feel possibilities opening up again.
Take care of yourself and your body and your mind, spend less than you make, be sure you remain affectionate and romantic and your marriage stays strong, and you can have all kinds of adventures for a really long time. My wife & I went rock climbing this weekend. When we have both retired, she wants to go on a round-the-world cruise that’ll take like 3 months, with stops at lots of cities so we can see all that stuff we haven’t seen.
Between 25 and 60, I definitely had thoughts like you’re talking about. Around my 40th birthday a friend performed in *The Winter’s Tale*, and when his character described his youth with his best friend as “We were, fair queen, two lads that thought there was no more behind but such a day to-morrow as to-day, and to be boy eternal,” all I could think was “Shakespeare deserves all the fame he has,” because I was in the audience looking at a friend about whom I could say that same sentence about when we were young, and I missed those days. But as I say, kids grow up. It’s a mixture of happy and sad as your responsibilities decline.
I don’t, but I never got married and never had kids. Single right now and I do “what I want”. My last big trip was a backpacking tour of Vietnam (before the pandemic)
You win some you lose some though. I sometimes get jealous looking at my married friends and all the extra love and support they have. I try to shake this feeling because you know what they say – the grass is always greener on the other side..
Every lifestyle choice has pros and cons and whatever choices you make in life will lead to some good and some bad. It’s easy to look at somebody who made different choices than you and only see the good – so I try to not be like that. It’s a natural feeling that comes and gods though.
I’ve started doing one thing that has really brought back that care-free, childlike, nostalgic, adventurous feeling into my life. It is very simple, and don’t knock it until you try it.
Go out your front door without any plan. Absolutely zero. Give yourself a few hours to see where you end up. Sit in a park for a while, or on a curb, watch the world go by or interact with it in a way that is different from your daily routine. Throw some rocks at a target, or catch a bug. Literally anything.
It is crazy how much as adults we forget to simply be outside the house without a real reason. Adulthood has brought on a need for purpose, or planning, and childhood ain’t like that.
Sitting outside doing absolutely nothing (by yourself or with friends) is the fucking best. And the more you do it the more you’ll find yourself having new adventures.