How do I deal with my father and his side of the family wanting to connect after 20 years of absence?

15 comments

1. If you are comfortable doing so, you can reach out to them and try to establish a relationship. However, if you do not want to have any contact with them, you can politely decline their invitations or requests for communication.

2. I don’t blame you for not wanting to make contact. I wouldn’t either if my family abandoned me. I guess at the end of the day it is up to you though. If you are feeling like you want to forgive this person, go ahead but if not, you have every right to refuse.

3. I would give your father a chance. Men don’t always get treated fair in court. Hear him out and go from there. Je could be great or he could be a piece of shit. Getting rid of that question in your life if it bugs you could be healthy.

4. If you don’t want to connect… don’t. It’s a personal choice that varies for everyone. Not everythin it meant to end with rainbows and sunshine. Ya can’t force it or you’ll make yourself miserable

   I let mine back in but only when I was ready and wanted to.

5. You moved on , just ignore and go on whit your life .

6. Part of this depends on the age of you and your sister if you are under 18.

   Personally, I would sit down with them and give them 10 minutes to explain why they think they should be let back i to the lives they chose to abandon. Let the pressure be on them and let them squirm.

   Maybe something will open your eyes to an actual change, but if nothing else you can show that you tried. Their wabt to be bavk in your life is not as important as your need of family and protection when you were young.

   As a side note, maybe they did change… but it’s also possible they just want something and that’s why they suddenly want back in your life. First and foremost protect yourself and your sister!

7. my father was visiting my life about once a month till I was 22. he then asked for a frank talk with my sister and I. among other things he asked how we saw and felt about him.

   we explained that we saw as a distant uncle and that we only called him dad for lack of a better reference.

   basically we have a large family and I would see my cousins daily and my uncle’s and aunts pretty much every weekend. I’m 50+ now and until covid, the larger family would get together for someone’s birthday at least every 6 weeks. during covid we’d still assemble every 3-4 months.

   so yes, we liked my dad, and seeing him as a distant uncle was a fair reference. still far better than a stranger, but no, he totally failed us as a father but we were adults by that point and we didn’t think he was completely responsible for that failure. still as his son, I held a much higher standard to fatherhood having been raised absent a father.

   he wasn’t happy with that revelation and he chose to ghost my sister and I that day. I reached 3 times in the first 3 month of this. at the final attempt I told his wife he has 9 months to reconcile with our chat and resume our relationship. if he failed this then I would consider this, him divorcing me. the anniversary of that chat I called back and asked to talk to him. she said he still hadn’t reconciled. I told her, this was his last chance, that day or we’re done. he couldn’t do it.

   he tried to reach out over the years, I think 3 times. too little and too late was always my reply. a couple times be reconnected with my sister and each time it was quickly revealed that there was a selfish motivator, money or some other type of request.

   the last year of his life he was in the hospital. my sister relented and maintained a connection with him. she conveyed the situation and asked me to consider if I had any need to reopen this door. I went to see him once with my eldest son. I surprisingly was able to learn a lot about his life from his wife. my half sister continued to ghost him his entire life as she had my sister and I. he cheated over the years but his wife reconciled herself with such a partner. he was basically a selfish POS. didn’t see him again nor attend his funeral. not like I had any regrets. only outcome from that last meet was further confirmation that my life was much better off not having spent any further time or effort on this man.

   devoted husband, same and only wife of over 20yrs. devoted father to a pair boys entering their teens. self defined and determined person.

8. Do what I did.

   My so called father abandoned his family when I was 2. He tried to reach out and “connect” when I was 36. I told him to fuck off.

9. Be polite but don’t be close with them if you don’t want to. You don’t owe them anything.

10. I have a friend that didn’t really see his dad from age 6 to when he was 20. He told me that his dad paid his mom child support in time, sent him birthday money, and even sent extra money for school other and supplies. Or if there was some special thing he needed or wanted to do, his dad would send money for that. But he never saw or talked to him. So when he was 20 and longer living at home his dad finally reached out after 14 years. He wanted to meet up with him and talk. And like a typically 20 year old, he was miffed and really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but agreed to meet with him. His dad told him, “look, I really wanted to be in your life. I never forgot about you. You can take this as a bullshit excuse or I was being a coward, but your and especially her parents and her sisters made things extremely difficult and you mom could never set boundaries with them and it caused so many problems. For the sake of peace, I just had to bow out and reconnect with you later. I felt it was she best for everyone.” Now this friend of mine. He was 20 and living on his own because he could no longer take the bullshit going on with his mom and her family. Just drama all the damn time. So when his dad told him that he said, “I know what you mean.” And that was the footing they jumped off on. Today he has a very tight relationship with his dad. His mom…..not so much.

    I guess my point in this is…..every situation is different. Reasons people bow out can be complicated. Not all men who do ghat are deadbeats.

11. >They want to be in my life but I don’t really care for any of them

    Been there myself, told them I have a life of my own which works pretty well and them not being a part of it is a consequence of their own choice. I am happy without them, so why would I need to let them in and risk ruining a good thing that I have going for me

12. If it still upsets you – don’t. They might want you back to help them feel good about themselves, and fail to recognise you as an adult and your achievements, fail to support you, they can’t let go of that version of you who is still a child, and child and parent interactions were often based on ‘business transactions’ and needs, not nurturing human you wish to become

13. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. But if you think you might regret not trying, give it a go. There isn’t really a wrong thing. Have no regrets.

14. Having a very similar life experience with my own father and his family, I would recommend at least trying to get to know them. There may come a time 10, 15, 20 more years down the road where your own mindset and thoughts have changed and now maybe you want to know or be able to talk to these people. You don’t have to force yourself into an uncomfortable position if you do not want to talk to them often, but to me, at a minimum, swapping contact information and keeping in touch once in a while it’s not the worst thing in the world.

15. If you do not care for them, that means you have an emotional reaction to them, and this reaction is negative.

    Negative emotions, even small ones, are like tiny little stains on your [soul.](https://soul.You)

    You might not have to connect with them…but you should forgive them. And you do that to help yourself, not them.