I’ve met people in my life who are volatile, sometimes mean, often very self centered, get into problems with friends… Yet, they have a partner who is extremely loyal for many years, adapts to whatever rules this person sets up and often tolerate unfair behaviors.
What is it that is so attractive about complicated people? How does it work?
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Idk. Seems to me like all the terrible scumbags I’ve met have girls that’ll die for them, and decent fellas can’t keep a girl to save their lives.
I think they see another side to them that no one else gets to see. It makes them feel needed or special to them.
Another reason could be the whole ‘saviour’ complex – “I cAn gEt ThEm tO cHaNgE!”.
Co-dependency.
That’s what happens when both partners have a screw loose.
Because those difficult people know they are difficult and will just throw anyone away that doesn’t blindly follow them cause who needs a partner that forces them to self reflect. And why do they find loyal partners? Either A, they are attractive, so desperate and shallow people won’t leave them even when the red flags start to show. Or B, they don’t have any self confidence to stand up for themselves. Speaking from experience from younger days.
Because we accept the love we think we deserve
And what feels familiar (maybe their parents relationship was dysfunctional and now that is what they recognize as love)
Maybe perhaps stupidity begets stupidity.
maybe they love them? sometimes people with volatile emotions love so intensely its hard to let go of that
Here’s an article that may help!
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-sex/202203/the-sexual-appeal-dark-personalities](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-sex/202203/the-sexual-appeal-dark-personalities)
because they also tend to be very manipulative
Usually a lot of these types begin by idealizing and pedestaling their partners. So when the honeymoon period (or lovebombing period, in the case of relationships that might be more emotionally volatile) comes to an end, and a switch flips in one partner, the other stays in the hope that things will go back to like they were in the beginning. These type of people also tend to prey on people who are empathetic, vulnerable and otherwise may lack the self-confidence and self-esteem to break out of the patterns of an abusive or lackluster relationship. It’s very sad and it’s hard to see how people become stuck if you’ve never been involved in a relationship like that before, because yes, from the outside looking in, it seems like absolute madness.
Eh I think sometimes that’s just you witnessing someone caught up in an abusive relationship. Had a friend in high school who could just be so mean like blunt I guess and I could handle it as her friend but she’d had this boyfriend for years and would literally wipe her hot Cheetos fingers on his jeans at school and he wouldn’t even mind. She’d say she was about to start a fight with him cause she was bored, knowing he’d really actually be upset. She just didn’t care about his feelings it seemed like. He was her toy or something. And he just always wanted to be around, I was always third wheeling simply cause he insisted on being there. Idk I couldn’t tell which of them was more toxic simply cause he was weirdly obsessed with her. Finally she broke up with him and he freaked tf out, got all suicidal and stuff. I think he had serious issues and she was just young and felt suffocated in the relationship after a while so she treated him like crap. Her next relationship that started very soon after was similar to the first one but this kid had like really sad shit going on at home and really deserved better I think. Weird I’m realizing how much she involved me in her romantic relationships was pretty strange? Anyway they broke up, I moved away. Now, years later, she’s 23 and a single mom to a baby boy.
So I think she gravitated toward vulnerable or troubled boys that would let her be bossy, or they gravitated toward her or both. And they’d develop a really codependent relationship. She could be fun, and her family was fun, I definitely spent a lot of time with them and enjoyed being included because it was very different than my home life, so I could see how a teenage boy who was struggling at home would get wrapped up in her world too. Idk
Others here have given great answers, but I’ll share my version to present it in another way.
The partners they have simply aren’t interested in what you’d call normal.
Prior to getting the help that I needed, I would date women who were loving and giving and would do anything for me and I got bored with them within two weeks.
But I tried my best to keep the ones who treated me like shit around as long as I could. I couldn’t figure out why I stayed with the ones who wouldn’t give me what I apparently didn’t want from the ones who did all they could to keep me.
Therapy helped me realize that I didn’t feel worthy of the love that was put in front of me. I couldn’t receive it and the attention kind of smothered me.
It doesn’t work. More than likely that loyal partner is caught in the cycle of an abusive relationship and is more than likely very unhappy and miserable behind closed doors.
It seems to me like a lot of people are mixed up about the difference between quantity of emotion in a relationship and quality of emotion in a relationship.
“This person makes me me feel so much so deeply such highs and lows this must be what love feels like.”
A healthy relationship doesn’t have nearly as many highs and lows so they draw the mistaken conclusion that they must not be in love because they are not experiencing the raw volume of feelings they are accustomed to due to dysfunctional relationships in their history parental or romantic.
This is a situation with father-in-law, and his wife (my husband’s stepmother)
She is an extremely nasty, selfish, rude, entitled, and extremely controlling person. She’s essentially alienated herself (and her husband/my step father by association) from nearly everybody else in the family. But my Father in law just doesn’t see it.
I believe his greatest issue is cowardice and naivety. She’s a kind-hearted man who avoids conflict at all costs, and really tries to give folks the benefit of the doubt. He just doesn’t seem to see how awful his wife is to everyone and how it has been deteriorating their relationships with family for yeeeeears.
I think that in many situations like this, it’s a very slow boil. The boiling frog metaphor, if you will.
The person starts out pretty nice and normal, then they slowly start to develop idiosyncrasies that you make excuses for.
As time goes on there’s more red flags and bad behaviour, and there’s more excuses having to be made for them. But you love this person, right? And you’ve seen them at their best and know that they’re not ALL bad.
Eventually you might start to wake up and realize that this person is pretty freaking terrible…But by then you’ve invested a whole lot of time into the relationship and cutting losses feels daunting (also maybe you aren’t the sort of person who wants to let other people feel like they were ‘right’ about your partner being shitty.)
And then you blink and it’s been 25 years that you’ve been married to a monster, and nobody in your life will see or speak to you anymore because of them. By that time if you are able to see beyond the mind fuck that’s been done to you for so so many years, you likely don’t have many remaining friends or family to turn to even if you wanted to leave.. so it feels easier just to stay.
I was with an abusive partner who I was extremely loyal to. I changed as a person during that relationship. My self confidence stooped to an all time low, they tore me down constantly. I felt like I was lucky to be with them. It was truly out of character for me, starting out as a outspoken, confident, sweet girl. I turned into someone I never want to see or feel again.
He was how you describe; volatile, mean, self centered, constantly fighting with friends and family. But I loved him. Or at least I thought I did. The first year was what left an impression on me, he “saved” me from the situation I was in, love bombed the fuck out of me, I was hooked. I became his biggest fan and loyal supporter. He couldn’t do any wrong, only I could. I was just existing to make his life easier.
To the outside, I probably appeared to be how you described, but honestly, there was no happiness, just a false sense of it that was controlled by him.
My brother is married to a self-centered, narcissistic, opinionated and really quite dumb woman. She’s managed to isolate my brother and has made him a hostage.
Codependency
Leaving might mean a loss of financial security.
It’s usually not because of bad parents per se, it’s because “nice partner” comes from a dysfunctional family and we constantly need to seek approval and love from those who hurt us, and repeat the pattern we know even if it’s harmful for us
Check out attachment types, so often anxious attachment types who go above and beyond find themselves with avoidant types as it’s familiar usually to how they were raised. It’s a really interesting topic that I learnt a lot about myself from. I’m an anxious attachment type and my partners have always been avoidant. My current partner is a secure type and I’ve never been happier. It does feel often that I don’t deserve her but I’m working through all that. Hope that helps you!
Because we are exciting
I was the one who accepted a volatile person. For me, I loved that person and fell in love with their “good side”, and absolutely hated the “bad side” that only reared it’s head later on. I was stuck on the good side and always excused her terrible actions as her being a good person *besides these few things*. I was crazy in love with her and loved the good times and good aspects of her, but boy was she toxic. I thought it could be overcome but she never changed. In fact, got worse.
Crazy attracts crazy.
Often they are very toxic relationships.
I have no clue but I’ve seen this myself multiple times in my life. The most recent example being my next door neighbor.
Because they attract codependent people with a saviour complex.
could be coercive control, ie the person is under control because of threats, intimidation or humiliation, so they stay.
maybe they have no where else to go. probably the abuser is extremely nice *sometimes* so the person trusts they will be again and/or tries to change them. maybe they think abuse is normal and/or they deserve it.
It’s called being a top g
Many times it’s trauma bonds. Being addicted to the emotional rollercoaster.
Others it’s that and/or a manifestation of a poor self image where they think they cannot do better or it’s what they deserve. They don’t have enough love for themselves and mask that with external validation even from a toxic source.
Could also be from lack of good examples of proper, healthy relationships growing up. A bad or unhealthy example of a mother or father figure so they’re attracted to the toxic examples they had growing up. Or they had no true example and emulate the relationships they see at only a surface level or those ridiculous examples displayed on TV and movies. So that if it’s not like that fairytale nonsense, it must not be real. Their partners, in the beginning, demonstrate the fairytale nonsense, and/or take them on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s really exciting at first and builds attraction, then it’s emotionally draining, possibly traumatic after, creating an emotional investment. People have a hard time letting go of something they’ve invested their time and love into. (See sunk-cost fallacy)
Do you want a partner who is crazy about you? If so see what works for other people and adjust accordingly. Same with almost anything in life. Look at what people do not what they say.
A, they don’t think they can do better, and are sticking it out because this is probably the best they can get.
B, the volatility and violence and conflict gives them tingles and butterflies. This is why every violent felon seems to have a whole harem of women in tow. The violence and instability is much more arousing than being with some boring chump whose life is work and bills.
Because they seek out people with low self esteem
Almost all qualities in a person have pros and cons, or are subjective and open to interpretation. For example, is he volatile (generally negative) or passionate (positive)? Mean or honest? Self centered or driven?
People are very quick to be judgmental about people and make subjective decisions based upon themselves. For example, if a man starts to get fat, is it “verbally abusive” for his wife to point it out? And vice versa, can a husband point out his wife’s obesity? It may hurt feelings, but there are benefits to honest feedback. My brother died from obesity, perhaps it would have been good for him to get more negative feedback about his obesity.
On the other hand, some people are just assholes. 😂
Cause they are a challenge and unpredictable. Something about it is attractive and exciting. Of course it’s not so great for the long term though.
You don’t know what goes on in that relationship…. You’re taking a snapshot judgement of someone and saying hey! Why are they loved!? And it’s ridiculous. People love people they love. Someone is an ahole
In the office or some groups? Doesn’t mean that’s the person that gets home to the people they love. How you not know this?!