My husband (24m) and I (23f) are having a lot of issues in our marriage. We just recently got married (about two months ago) and we started talking in June of 2021. He was absolutely perfect at first, however things got complicated fast and now I feel like I’ve given up all of myself for him slowly without realizing it and I kind of want out. I’ll make a list of all the reasons…

1. He has been abusive on several occasions. His go to thing is choking me, but he has also slapped and punched a few times as well. These things have happened about 20-25 times in the past year, but sometimes he’ll go months without doing anything physically abusive. Sometimes it was because I felt like I pushed him, but other times I know I didn’t do anything. For example, one time I saw that he’d asked a girl to come over while I was at work and I asked him about this and was upset.. this resulted in the first time he ever choked me. He then called me a baby and mocked me for crying. Another time his ex told me he was trying to video call her while I was at work and I rushed home.. he said it was just to brag on me, I didn’t buy that and kept on, and he punched me, kicked me, and choked me until I was afraid and left the apartment. Another time he lost his engagement ring and he was so upset about it thay he choked me extremely hard for basically no reason. Most of the times he’s been phycisal are from September 2021 to February 2022. He laid off a lot after that, especially a few months before we got married. But after we got married he started again, but hasn’t done it any in about three weeks and swears to me he never will again. He has promised me he will go to therapy and get help, he says he just has so much built up anger from his life.

2. I feel like he plays the victim a little. He says that all the times he was abusive toward me it hurt him just as much as it hurt me and that he just needs help. His mom even agreed with him that it hurts him as much as it does me and it made me feel disregarded. Whenever I tell him how everything he’s done has hurt me he claims I’m attacking him. He told my mom about it (not in a nice way either, he was drunk, although he claims he only told her because she deserved to know). Obviously she didn’t react well to it and got upset and angry, but she wasn’t yelling. He responded to this by screaming at her and insulting her. He says he didn’t know what else to do because he felt like he was being attacked. He was also abusive with his ex as well and always says it was her fault because she’d corner him. He was terrified of me meeting his ex (and mother to his kid) at first that it was insane. One time he even threatened to kill me, locked me in, told me no one would care if I died, etc. He was very drunk that night and has apologized many times since.

3. He has a two-year-old daughter, which is fine, but I never wanted kids. I always swore I’d never have them and whenever we have her (he shares custody) I can’t have even 10 minutes of free time, even for acting auditions (I’m an actress). She always comes to me to play, not him. She was even with us the night of his wedding and I spent that whole weekend waking up and taking care of her while he slept, which has happened a lot of times. Plus I work late on weekend and don’t get home until 8 am and he used to expect me to get up with them when she wakes up at 9 or 10. One time I told him I needed more sleep and he called me lazy, said I was being rude to her, and said I have no idea how to take care of a kid. Keep in mind he has slept while I’ve gotten up with her manyyyyy times. I’ve spoken up about it and recently he has been better about getting up with her and letting me sleep. The past couple weekends I’ve been able to get 6-7 hours of sleep while he gets up with her. That did start a fight last weekend though because he was saying I couldn’t wash my face because it might wake her up and make it harder for him, then kept yelling at me when I insisted on washing my face.

3. I’ve been financially screwed since we met. I’m a dancer (stripper) and make around 80k a year, but since I’ve met him I’ve been struggling so much. He doesn’t have a job or anything, so I have to pay for everything including his weed (he says it’s medicine because he has mild autism), beer, his child support ($500 a month), stuff for his daughter, his games, etc. I’ve told him how stressed out all of this makes me for months, but recently he said it was my fault because I started paying for all of it and he never asked me to. He says he will get a job and that all I had to do was ask. It’s just thay where I make so much from working so little I didn’t realize how much this was all going to hurt me until recently. I can’t afford anything for myself. Today alone we spent $160 on his daughter and we spent $80 on her yesterday.. plus I pay $500 a month in child support for him. I don’t know why I ever agreed to all of this, I feel so stupid. But he didn’t have a job when we met, he doesn’t have a license or a car, and he has told me many times he doesn’t want to work. But now he’s saying I chose to pay for all of this and saying he’ll get a job now. But the thing is.. I can’t drive him to his job. I can’t have that put on me as well. He says he will eventually get his license and says I should have let him drive more.. but I tried and he always said no. He says I should push him more. But I’ve never struggled for money as much as I do now that I’m with him.

4. Because his daughter lives an hour and a half away from my job we had to move there and now I drive 3 hours a day 4 times a week. It’s killing my back. I was in literal tears last night driving back.

5. He always makes me feel like things are my fault and he’s so good at it that I believe him. An example would be that one time his ex was calling me because she saw I was online, I answered and she said she’d been trying to call him for hours and to tell him because it was important. I thought it might be about his daughter and an emergency, so I woke him up and he got mad at me for answering, then she called him again, he answered it and was being rude. Then after he hung up he said she probably wouldn’t let him see his daughter again and it was my fault. He does this a lot, especially when he’s tired. He says he just says mean things that he doesn’t mean when he’s sleepy or mad and not to pay attention to it.

6. In January I found a bunch of Tinder messages on his phone where he was asking girls to come over or have s** with him. He says he never had any intentions behind it and he only did this when he was mad at me as a way to “get back” at me without physically hurting me. I did check and any time a girl became serious about it or actually wanting to meet up he’d block them.

7. I have so many dreams that I wanted to pursue before we met. I planned on moving to LA to pursue acting. I’ve been in classes with well known coaches for years, I have a good resume, and I had lots of money saved up at the time. But he can’t move because his daughter is here, so I gave that up. Looking back I regret that and still want to do it. He says I still can, but I don’t see how it would be possible while being with him.

8. He never showers and it’s beginning to be noticeable to my family. He will go two or three weeks without showering. Recently he said he wants to start showering more and said I need to remind him because he forgets due to autism and adhd.

9. He has some “opinions” that really gross me out. For example, he says if a woman is r*ped and she doesn’t do everything in her power to get the person off of her (kicking, biting, punching, etc) even if she’s punched while doing it then she has a little of the blame. He also thinks that just because I wouldn’t gain 200 pounds for a role then I’m not passionate about acting. He said that women have it way better than men and that men are always put down.

10. I think he has a drinking problem, but I don’t know. It isn’t every single night, but more nights than not he will have 5-7 8% beers and become completely unbearable. He’s obnoxious, angry, and awful.

But despite all of this, he keeps telling me he has changed. He promises to get a job, he swears he will start paying for himself, he swears he will never be abusive again, he swears he will start going to therapy every single week, and he also says I can still move to LA and pursue my dreams while I stay here. Today I woke up and he’d done the dishes, cleaned the whole house, and got up with his daughter. And he isn’t always awful, in fact he’s amazing 80% of the time. He’s my best friend. He massages my back, he compliments me like crazy 24/7, he calms me down when I’m stressed, he helps me with auditions, he tells everyone all the time how much he loves me, he cooks for me sometimes, and we have amazing times together. I’m just so torn. I love him, but every day I’m wanting to leave more and more. But I also love him and feel like I’d fall apart without him. I’ve never felt so connected and in love with anyone. I feel like maybe things could get better. I truly do feel whole with him. I think he could change and he seems sincere, but I don’t want to waste time if he won’t.

Tl;dr my husband and I are having a lot of issues and I feel like leaving and focusing on myself, but I also love him and don’t want to leave if he truly is my soulmate.

31 comments

  2. Your soulmate won’t abuse you. Leave him now before he kills you. In all seriousness, leave. Him. Now.

  4. I’m sorry he does that, you shouldn’t have to live with someone that is physically abusive.

    Having arguments when married, of course. But anything physical definitely crosses a HUGE line.

  5. I literally only read the first line of the first point and let me tell you that ALONE is enough to leave him- infact not just leave him, he should be arrested. Choking specifically increases your chance of being murdered by up to 750%. Your life is in eminent danger. You need reach out to a domestic violence center asap- the most dangerous time of your life will be in the first few weeks after you leave him- you need to contact a support center to get advice on HOW to leave him safely. I hope you have shared this information with your close friends and family who can help you too…. you NEED to leave, this isn’t some unclear wishy washy reason. You are being abused. You need help and resources because form what you’ve described your life could actually be in imminent danger at any given point.

  7. If he is physically abusive, especially choking, GET OUT! If you have to go to a woman’s shelter, do so, but get out and get a restraining order. Then you need to start counseling and talk to a divorce attorney. An advocate can likely help you find an attorney you can afford. Please leave before he kills you.

  10. Definitely run in this scenario. A marriage should have never been a thing in the first place. Sounds like all your husband does is abuse you, work up towards chesting on you, and then manipulate and gaslight you into thinking hes not the abusive asshole he clearly is.

    Stay with friends or family and get a divorce, talk to the police. Don’t talk with your husband about doing better and youll give him a chance. NOPE. He went through 20+ chances. There is a very good chance that eventually your abuser WILL kill you. Real partners, real husbands dont do that. A few too many drinks and a bad day and anything to trigger him can be the end of your life. “He is fine and loving most of the time” … and people can drive for 100s of hours and get into an accident for 30 seconds and die or be injured for life.

  11. Think u need to plan an exit plan, marriages all go through “rough” patches but this is something else
    He’s immature and despite things being great at the beginning he’s just showing his true colours and u don’t want to be stuck with this forever

  12. What kind of lease do you have? Find an apartment for yourself alone near your work. Break the lease and move there. Do not pay his child support. That is his responsibility, not yours. Tell him once he has a job and contributes you will consider living with him again. He won’t. Talk to a lawyer. Probably this man who doesn’t shower and doesn’t work will not be organized enough to file for divorce. So ask a lawyer what happens if you don’t file and don’t give him any access to your money or pay any of his bills? Maybe you can get a financial separation. But block your credit if he is the type to take something out with you as a co cardholder. He will be very very dangerous when you leave. Do not tell him or anyone who will tell him where you will next live. Tell the bouncers at your work to not let him in, and to walk you to your car. Every time. Take all your clothes and documents, but abandon the furniture if you have to. It will be far cheaper in the end. On the one hand, he is mentally ill and in need of intense long term therapy for anger management, for his autism, and he needs a lot of basic life skills training. He has no sense of personal responsibility. Every thing he needs to do as an adult, he tells you it is your job to remind him and push him. So he will never change. Ever. Please get out. Save yourself, physically, financially, in all the ways. Good luck.

  13. No such thing as soulmates at least not based on science and even if there’s such a thing and he is your soulmate. Are you so willing to sacrifice your youth dealing with this?

  14. Wtf. No you aren’t terrible for wanting to leave him, but you were kind of terrible to yourself for marrying him in the first place.

    You said in a comment he’s “so loving and perfect” most of the time but I don’t see how that’s possible? He beats you regularly, he’s an alcoholic who is drunk and unbearable “more nights than not”, he’s cheating on you (or at least trying to), he’s a complete and utter mooch draining you financially and ruining your dreams, and he never showers…?! ???? What does he ever do that is perfect or loving? ONE of those things should be a deal breaker, all of them together is… I don’t even know what to call it. You need to get away from him before he kills you, and you need some intense therapy to see this is not love and you deserve so much better.

  15. Didn’t need to reed more than the first bit of the first point. He got physical, leave him. Get somewhere as safe as possible, as soon as possible and start the process.

    You’re young, you don’t need to stay any longer. Get the help you need.

  16. Didn’t read past the first bullet point. Leave. Divorce him. Get your affairs in order, arrange a police escort, and get yourself out. As soon as possible. Abuse is never a form of love. Do and want better for yourself, even if it’s hard. This is not love.

  17. I didn’t really read much after reading that his go to is choking you, and then I skimmed the rest and it seemed to just get worse. Men who choke, kill. Choking is only done for one purpose. To cut off your air supply until you suffocate. If you do not leave this man, he will kill you.

  18. I’ll be honest, I didn’t make it past point 1 because it’s SUCH A REDFLAG I can tell you right there to leave him. The child, victimisation, financial black hole is just extra issues – you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. You deserve more, you deserve to feel safe and happy and loved – go get what you deserve!

  19. I mean you listed out 11 reasons and I had to read only first couple of lines to decide. Choking, punching, slapping!!??? That too 20-25 times in a year. You are his wife and his acts should be opposite of what he’s doing.

    Nobody should ever lay a hand on anyone and that’s happening to you in every 2 weeks. You are of same age as my younger sister. If anyone did that to her, I would beat them so bad that they’d need someone else’s help even to wipe their ass.

    Talk to your family, friends and a lawyer (most important) and leave that guy. You are not awful for wanting to leave him. But you’ll be sorry and hate yourself if you stay with him.

  21. Omg literally run to a lawyers office. This just kept getting sadder and sadder. He trapped you and you gotta get out

  22. Please, leave him and invest in therapy. You are so deep and wrapped in his bs, whatever advices Reddit gives you will simply not matter to you. The way you just described his behavior but yet, you swear he’s amazing 80% of time? This man really did a number on you so, please go get professional help.

  23. >For example, one time I saw that he’d asked a girl to come over while I was at work and I asked him about this and was upset.. this resulted in the first time he ever choked me.

    This is the point where it should have ended. Cops should have been involved. This is the 1st time that he showed you who he truly is, and he will never be any different. And the cops should be involved regardless of whether you want to press charges because if he does it to you he’s going to do it to somebody else.

    This was near the beginning of point 1. The rest is irrelevant, as soon as this happened, it should have been over.

    On top of that, if he hasn’t already cheated on you, he is trying to, and eventually will.

    Save your future and leave him.

  24. I cannot stress this enough, please leave this relationship and never go back.

    He’s leaving you enough breadcrumbs of loving behaviour to keep you hanging onto hope for the relationship, so that you’ll continue to pay for everything in his life, and help look after his daughter. People like this do not change, no matter how much they swear they will. I promise you, even though it might not feel like it, you will be so much happier without him. It’s a big step to write a post like this, and i’m just so happy that you’re beginning to see that he’s not good for you. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope you choose yourself from now on

  26. After your very first sentence…get out now! You are not safe. Your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. You do not deserve to put up with all this. I think you have very low self esteem and need professional help.

  27. It’s sure is sad. I sure don’t see a future in this relationship. Have you ever tried MC or IC?

    Having ADHD is a pathetic excuse. My son has ADHD and is Flying for American Airlines. He is being dating his wonderfull girlfriend for 5 years and he is a really sweet caring and takes care of his GF extremely well. He never touched her in anger. If they have any kind of problem, they sit and talk it over a glass of wine.
    But to the point, your hubby is one miserable lazy guy that doesn’t want to take any responsibility in your mutual life.

    Is he taking Retaline or any medication for ADHD? If not, your going to deal with much more problems ahead.

    See a MC and let the counselor to see what’s going on.
    If you are in at fault state, DIVORCE HIM.

    Sure wish everything works out for you.
    Best of luck

    semper fi

  28. For most woman with a healthy self esteem, being hit or choked 1 time we be enough to be out the door. He physically abused you 20-25 times in the past week? Almost every other week for a year?

    I have no credentials in this field, but I know the psychological effect of being abused, that causes the abused partner to want to stay, is a real thing, and you are suffering from it.

    Please get professional help.

  29. He is going to kill you, and that isn’t an exaggeration. Your life is in danger. You have to get out immediately.

  30. I’m surprised I continued reading after “he chokes me.” I’m even more surprised to read that you pay child support for a child that isn’t even yours. Leave him sis, go live your dream in LA. Good luck!!

  31. Yeah, this is fake

    Has posted this in 4 subreddits in the last few hours

    Claims she’s driving to work but a previous post says she works from home

    And it’s just insane lol

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