Currently me (22F) and my bf (21F) are in a long distance relationship and I worry if he still finds me sexually worthy/appealing. We’ve been together for 3.5 years.
He doesn’t like sexting or sending nudes, but he’s okay with receiving them. He won’t ASK for nudes, I just send them when *I* want because he says he doesn’t feel right asking for something he doesn’t want to give. Fair enough. I LIKE sending nudes. He usually has a good reaction, but of course it won’t lead to sexting because sexting makes him uncomfortable. Usually it’s just like “nice ass :)” and that’s it.
Recently I told him that his refusal to ask for nudes and his simple reactions make me feel like he doesn’t care about me sexually. I WANT him to ask me for them because it makes me feel good and makes me feel like he wants me. He said he does want me (and being together for 3.5 years should prove that he is into me), but he doesn’t care if I send him nudes or not. That really stung. But then he went on to say he doesn’t care one way or the other cuz he’d rather just see me in person instead. That makes sense, but him saying “I don’t care either way” regardless of what he really meant hurt me. I told him wording matters, and it was hard to get him to understand at first, but I think he got the point eventually. He apologized and reworded it better.
When we do see each other in person, the sex is amazing, even a little better now that we see each other less often. But he doesn’t like… crave it nearly as much as he used to. We first got together when we were 19 and he was a virgin. He wanted to have sex any time we could. It was almost bad. Once, he wanted me to come over on my lunch break and have sex in his garage (his parents house). He still wouldn’t sext back then, but when I’d send nudes he’d be like “omg I want you so bad your body is so perfect” things like that. Now he’s a lot calmer in regard to sex, and it makes me worry if he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Maybe it’s because I’ve gained weight? I used to be 120 lbs and now I’m 150, and I worry if that makes him like me less. I asked about that, and he said “of course not. I’ve gained weight too and you still like me right?” Of course. I don’t care what he looks like, I love him regardless. But his lowered interest in sex makes me worry.
Some of this could be that, as a sexually abused person in the past, I have come to equate my worth to my attractiveness and sexual performance. I feel like if my bf doesn’t want to have sex as often and doesn’t tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, then I must be worthless.
He claims that he’s just calmed down a lot over the years. Which is true, in aspects other than sex. Just as a person, he used to me more intense and volatile and anxious and insecure. He’s grown so much since then and become more mature and calm and responsible and confident. Even coworkers told him they noticed a difference. Could the lowered sexual drive be attributed to that?
2 comments
This here is an example of women not being satisfied with a good thing.
It’s relatively normal for sexual activity to slow down in relationships. And it sounds like your boyfriend has changed quite a bit the past few years. I doubt there is anything to worry about. To an extend I can really understand your boyfriends point of view but I’m someone who has never cared about sex at all so my perspective is probably somewhat different.