My ex (22F) and I (24M) broke things off 6 months ago when she said she wanted time to go find herself. I still very much loved her and she knew that. She stated we should build a good friendship before anything were to go on. I got insecure and asked her if she will go on dating apps again (where we met). With such clarity, she said she would but not for anything more than friends and that I should trust her. Even though I was quite uncomfortable with the idea, I put myself into believing it and to respect her as she had a difficult time in her life at that time.
Over the few months that followed, we had an inappropriate “friendship”, we crossed many boundaries and were much like lovers all over again excluding sexual intimacy. We made plans of trips, sweet talks of engagement and got real intimate. I wanted to ask her out officially if she was ready for us to try again but she started backing off. I got anxious and started stalking. I noticed she was being active on the app, my heart sank. I felt used emotionally and led on a leash for months and I needed an answer.
I finally got to convince her last week to have an actual mature conversation of us. Then I learn of the truth. She has been going on dates not long after we broke up and have been constantly looking for relationships while getting emotionally intimate with me. I asked her why? Her only justification was that she was afraid of upsetting me. I understand my ex is not good at speaking out of issues directly and holds things not to cause a conflict but I can’t help but feel her actions were still for her and when she realised it was inappropriate, she sheltered me from the truth.
TL;DR So, I’d like to ask again. Is white lie still a lie? Because I feel severely cheated.
5 comments
That wasn’t a white lie. She told you she lied because she knew you would not like the truth. And she was involved with you at the time, even if not in a relationship, so she was preventing you from being able to give informed consent. That was a terrible lie. But it also was a situation you knew was toxic. You don’t make relationship agreements with someone you have already broken up with. You shouldn’t have been in a quasi-relationship with someone you wanted to be in a real relationship with. Her action was unethical. Yours was not, but you can still learn from it and prevent yourself from getting into something clearly bad in the future.
What she did wasn’t a “white lie” though. A white lie is harmless or trivial. She outright lied and deceived you and the nature of the relationships she was getting into. She did use you. She did act with selfish intent.
And, in my opinion, she cheated to a degree. She led you to believe that she wasn’t seeking relationships but was actively having an emotional relationship with you while also trying to have relationships with others.
While it would hurt, I feel that you should fully break up with her and go no contact. She had no problem deceiving you and lying to you. She felt comfortable being dishonest with you. That breaks your trust. And without trust, you can never truly have a long lasting relationship.
Sever connections with her, block her, and move on. You deserve better.
White lies are hiding surprise parties. Telling someone you like their shoes when they’re wearing a hideous outfit and ask you what you think.
These were just straight up lies.
That’s a months long deception to enable her to be with multiple other people without consequence. It’s the furthest thing from a white lie.
…..
My friend, this is the moment where you quietly place her in the *just for fun* box, lock it, and melt down the key.
She’s not forever material – not for you. Proceed with that knowledge.
A white lie is a deception which guards a truth that would have no real impact on the deceived party. Your ex’s lie concealed a truth which may have enabled you to move on, knowing full well her intentions and true feelings. This was no white lie; the outcome served only her, whilst subverting your free will.