Hi guys. To preface im learning through this situation that I’m a people pleaser and not always great at sticking up for myself, so I need help with figuring out how to navigate this situation from someone with a bit more life experience than me.
I’ve worked at this job 6+ years and this coworker has been there longer than me. He’s friends with the owner and I’m not, which has always made me a bit afraid of standing up to him.
For context, he’s always been a friendly guy, he’s got one of those naturally flirty personalities that everyone likes. Very charismatic, everyone has nothing but good things to say about him. But over the past year and a half he’s been very subtly making moves on me, at first in ways I ignored and brushed off as jokes or him just being a flirt in general. Lately though he’s coming on a lot stronger, I’ve realized he’s not joking and it’s making me very uncomfortable.
In the past month he’s crossed several lines, asking to get a “couples massage” with me (to which I obviously said no), and tonight referring to his wife as his “warden” and trying to make plans with me to “sneak away” this week. I always say no, and tonight suggested inviting some of our other coworkers out with us as a group. He’s been asking me to hang out for years now but it never happened because I always had an inkling, but now he’s being very blunt. He’s extremely persistent and pushy. Honestly his advances leave me feeling so uncomfortable that I laugh out of nervousness, which he might mistake for interest even though I’m verbally saying no.
I have no idea how to set boundaries without causing a scene or saying the wrong thing, and already honestly feel gross and guilty keeping this secret.
Im afraid of getting on his bad side, as we’d been work friends for several years already and all my other coworkers love him. How can I set boundaries and let him know in a firm way that I’m not interested, without making him angry or causing a rift? Also please be gentle with me, I have hardly any experience with men and he’s a lot older so I’m aware of my own naivety here. Thanks in advance
6 comments
Yea the more “diplomatic” your response is, the more he’s going to ignore them.
You need him to know that there are consequences for his sexual harassment, whether if it’s professional, reputation or with his wife. If you are feeling that he won’t respond/care to having his name dragged through the dirt then you need to leave. Then you sue the company for fostering such an environment.
Pushback but subtly. Tell him he’s just another coworker in the office you’re cordial with and you have no interest in being more friendly. That he’s a married man and he should stay within the bounds of marriage. And he’s coming on too strong and making you feel uncomfortable. This message has to clear. You’ve to stand up for yourself and can’t expect to skirt around the issue. Be polite and just keep to hi and hello.
Report him
Any time he suggests something, say “sure, lets call your wife and see if she wants to go” and ask for her number.
You say he’s friends with owner? Your place small enough that it doesn’t have an HR? You can still go talk to the owner. This coworker is opening the business to sexual harassment claims and attached lawsuits. He needs to stop or you need to get a lawyer (if you haven’t already reached that point).
Otherwise, document what you can – especially if you get text messages, emails, voicemails, etc. Get a few pieces of proof and bring them to owner, lawyer and “The Warden”.
Collect evidence, and ask him if you should contact his boss, or his wife.
Then contact both of them anyway.
Bring up his wife at literally every opportunity. Where there aren’t opportunities, invent them. Wilfully misinterpret the things he says, and always respond as if his wife is an actual Disney Princess at home singing to baby deer and he’s madly in love with her.
Invites you to a couple’s massage? “That’s the sort of thing you do with your wife, [coworker.]”
He talks about ‘sneaking away’? “But why would you ever want to escape [wife’s name]? She’s lovely!”
He invites you out for drinks? “Oh, lovely! Is [wife’s name] going to be there?” No, she’s not. “Well, invite her, you dolt! In fact, take her out to a nice dinner tonight. That’s so much better than hanging out with your coworkers!”
For anything else he says, literally feign deafness. By this I mean: actually pretend you didn’t hear it.
If he physically touches you, at any point, say LOUDLY, “Not okay, [coworker]!” Then, before he can accuse you of being hysterical, follow it up with, “Never, ever put your hand on my [knee] [butt] [breast] [thigh] again!”
If he says he *didn’t mean that* and you’re misinterpreting his intentions, say, “I don’t care about your intentions. It’s your actions I care about. Do not touch me again.”