TLDR: My (23f) boyfriend of 2 years (28m) frequently visits sketchy massage parlors and it makes me uncomfortable. I’m not really sure how to address it without coming across as insecure.
Not really sure where I should start with this, but here we go. I (23f) have been with my boyfriend (28m) for close to 3 years now, official for 2. At the beginning of our relationship, he shared some very intimate details about his past that he never told anyone else (according to him)—he has paid for sex on multiple occasions prior to dating me and has frequented “happy ending” massage parlors. This really blindsided me and I had no idea how to respond, so in an effort to make him feel more comfortable I naturally asked questions. He told me things like where he went, the cost, the general experiences, etc. I did some reflection and figured it’s not something that I can hold against him since we were obviously not dating at the time all of this transpired. I also figured that it probably took a lot for him to admit to something like that openly and be so vulnerable.
For context, he travels a lot for work. At his previous job he often went to China, South Korea, the Philippines, etc., essentially countries with red light districts where this sort of thing is extremely common (although some of his experiences paying for favors happened here in the states). At his current job, he only travels domestically for basically 2 weeks out of the month. We see each other every weekend and for longer periods of time throughout the week when he’s working remote.
Now here’s where my issue lies. Due to the fact that he travels so much, he’s always complaining about back and neck pain. This is pretty understandable. Combined with the fact that he works out regularly, I can see how there would be constant soreness and strains. However, what I don’t understand is why it’s necessary to consistently go to run down, suspicious locations with unlicensed masseuses. He has mentioned the idea of getting a membership to a popular chain of massage places previously but never acted on it.
These days I get severely paranoid and anxious whenever he travels because he’s bound to end up there at some point. Recently, he told me how a masseuse persistently asked if he wanted a happy ending, to which he allegedly said no. While I have no way to confirm this and I’d rather take his word for it, I can’t help but feel suspicious and sick to my stomach every time he goes to one of those places. When he brought it up, I just mentioned how that’s illegal and could be reported. In hindsight, I should’ve just expressed how I felt about the whole ordeal. I genuinely don’t know how to begin this conversation and I’ve been having major doubts about everything/feeling resentment.
11 comments
Don’t be an idiot. Men go to those places for a reason. If you don’t want to be with a man who pays for sexual attention from other women then dump him.
If you need treatment for back/neck pain, you go to doctors, licensed massage therapists, chiropractors and physiotherapists, not late night, happy-endings massage parlors in red-light districts.
He’s using his “alleged” back and neck pain to justify immoral behaviour, because anatomically, his dick is not attached to his neck or back. There is no conversation to be had, he’s not going to stop going, so just leave him during his next business trip.
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This is definitely a boundary, so I would explain it to him as a deal breaker.
If he continues to go to these places, he will lose you. First, like the other people and you said, he should be going to licensed professionals for his stuff, not rundown places.
I fully understand you being anxious about this. I would be too.
Your boyfriend also does not know the situation of the women who work in these parlours. Those kind of places are often related to sex trafficking
Wait. There’s massage parlors that do this?
I legit go get a massage because I’ve had a screwed up back since my teenage years and if I get it massaged it ends up feeling better for the week and I don’t have to worry about spontaneous sharp pains if I move my back the wrong way.
I tried to a chiropractor but I can’t get comfortable with being popped and having myself bent into a pretzel.
Just tell him how you feel, you don’t sound insecure to me.
But… you actually do understand why its necessary for him to go to run down unlicensed massage parlors that give happy endings…..? Its because hes paying young girls for sexual favors. I am always so baffled how men meet women like you lol. Hes literally seeing prostitutes( or sex slaves) possibly underage right in front of your face and youre wondering if you should say anytbing or if you’re crazy or what? I have to believe most women could never be this naive. Its almost unbelievable.
I honestly think your boyfriend told you about massage parlors’ happy endings because he wanted to set you up for what he is actually going to continue doing. What he is doing is a partial admission about his acts, therefore partial honesty, so that he can feel better about what is going on.
Now, maybe that’s something you can accept him doing when he’s away. Maybe that’s not. I am absolutely not judging your partner here, or what you should accept or not.
I’m talking from my own experience by the way. My boyfriend partially admitted to some tendencies, while he would actually engage with sex workers during our whole relationship (which was completely off my boundaries). I also used to tell my parents about all the drugs people were taking at the parties I attended; only to add “I’d never touch them!” which was a lie, but did not feel as bad since I had partially admitted to it.
Dump him. If he was really in pain, he would be going to LEGIT masseuses, not massage parlors where they offer happy endings. He is bullshitting you.
You do realize that most of the women he saw/sees in the “massage parlours” (especially the ones in Asia, but it also exists in the US and other places) are very likely victims of human trafficking, right? And as an almost 30 year old man, he’d be an idiot not to know this. Do you really want to be with someone who is okay exploiting young women in this way? I think not. That’s fucking disgusting.