Little succes as a 34f on OLD

36 comments

1. [removed]

2. I’m thinking piercing at 34 + seeking relationships might not be a popular combo. Personally I don’t have problems with “alternative” style friends but when I swipe on the apps I tend to like more conservative styles.

3. Bumble really needs to do something about these people on “ENM or poly” relationships. I thought it was just me seeing all these people in there. Honestly it’s annoying and I don’t understand why is even allowed. Waste of time. My subscription expires today and I already canceled for this reason.

4. Any number of reasons. It could be the piercings or it could be that while you’re not swiping on the top 5%, you are still swiping on the top 20%, which still limits your options, or it could be that you’re shopping out of your price range or that your indecisiveness about having kids is driving away the guys who definitely want families and don’t want to waste time, etc.

   Or maybe you’re just swiping on the wrong dudes or maybe it’s not you at all and guys are just weary of how the dating game has turned into a dumpster fire.

   Lots of guys are just giving up on dating because it’s an increasingly losing proposition not just with the selection but also the fact that cheating is rampant and divorce laws in many western countries are absolutely garbage.

5. I’m very curious on what your alternative style is as a person. Piercings and tattoos are becoming more mainstream, so I wouldn’t necessarily call those alternative anymore.

   You also said in your post a month ago that you are shy. How are your conversations going? Are you both maintaining the conversation or relying on the guy to carry it?

   You talk a lot about “alternative” and “basic/generic” in both of your posts. There is an entire middle to that spectrum, are you open to those people too? Must because I don’t find a hobby interesting shouldn’t really dictate whether you are compatible with that person.

6. I don’t think it’s a good idea to put all of your eggs into the dating basket of old. Many people set filters on apps to rule out people that they don’t want, and many men set their age preferences on apps under 30.

   Try to put effort into simply going out to local events and seeing if you can meet people organically. This means getting uncomfortable and simply introducing yourself to people. Try going to live shows, classes, coed sports, festivals, etc. If you’re shy, just put yourself out there, try to be as open as possible so that people approach you. Put yourself out there so that people can see you and get a chance to meet you locally.

   I’m personally not a fan of trusting corporations with my love life. I believe that apps are designed to keep people apart, not actually join them together.

7. What do you consider “Successful” on the apps? How many matches are you getting a week?
   >It really gets to my self esteem

   Maybe it’s cause I admit I’m fairly picky, but the fact that I get maybe 1-2 matches a week, sometimes not even that many, it doesn’t bother me. I know what I’m looking for and if a woman isn’t looking for the traits/vibes I give off…no big deal.
   I see OLD as simply opening up the number of available people to me, not opening up the number of people I’d find attractive to swipe right on. It’s like me walking down the street and there being a little “I’m available to date” tag above their head. I’d still pass on most of them, and accept that most of the women would probably swipe left on me.

8. Although the alternate/piercings/neon non natural hair color? is a turnoff to me I don’t imagine it would be for most men especially in a city.

   Not sure what the issue is. I am a 41M guy told I am at least above average in looks 5’11” full head of hair, body about average, successful STEM worker with a home and dogs.

   I go for women 35-50. My match rate is not high at all probably single digits, most women ghost me after a few chat exchanges or especially when I bring up meeting in real life (Like seriously! Go out on a date! What is this a dating app!). Very frustrating.

   Oh and I am not going after 10’s. I am attracted to everyday women and find most attractive like 85% in my demographic including overweight to moderately obese.

9. The thing that made me want to reply to this was that you felt you had to address the “incels”. It is just sad to me that there are disaffected “forces” in the culture that requires some kind of address wherein a poster feels like they owe some sort of explanation.

   The second thing that struck a chord was your alternative style. It seems that if one expresses anything “alt” whether that is appearance or something privately expressed, many jump towards an expectation at worst and a presumption at best that a host of other alternatives such as ENM/Polyamory are on the table.

   There are those of us who have alt preferences whatever that may be, but that does not mean everything else goes. I suppose the only solution is clear communication. Wish you luck.

10. You should give Hinge a try. It’s superior to Bumble and Tinder.

11. I had decent success with bumble 3-4 years ago and I was meeting a fair amount of people. I signed back up about a month ago and got 0 matches in 3 weeks.

    I’m in a fairly populated area, have my shit together, have plenty of hobbies and things to keep me busy, and I think I have decent photos. I got perturbed and deleted it.

12. I think if you look ‘alternative’ you’ll more likely be positively swiped on by polyamorous people because there’s some feeling that pierced/tattooed and wild dressing types would be more interested in being part of that ideology. I took out most of my piercings years ago, except my earlobes, so I only have a few visible tattoos. That said, the poly problem could just be a matter of perception thinking you would be game.

    I think dating apps might be drying up, while I never had issues getting matches since I live in an alternative positive city I did have the issue of many of them leaning poly. I’ve noticed a lot more people putting in no uncertain terms “not interested in your polyamory” on Tinder in my city. Outside of you only maybe wanting to date unadorned norms (and even then I’ve had success with those types too) I can’t imagine being alternative is your issue unless you’re only gunning for people who absolutely hate alt lifestyle appearances. I know they’re out there but there have to be some decent people in your pool who dig your look.

13. Try different dating apps… my recommendation would be Hinged

14. It’s really hard to say, but I will say you may come across as combative or difficult. For example, you pre-emptively call anyone who might question your swiping habits an “incel” even though many women are documented as being incredibly selective with their right swipes (so it could be a numbers thing).

    That type of verbiage (which might inadvertently shine through in your profile) in combination with alternative dress and piercings and overall style gives off a vibe that many people avoid like the plague. It signals you will be ideologically/politically combative.

    I have no idea if this describes you or not. Just giving some feedback as to how you came across to me initially.

15. Edit: I’m a guy.

    How many matches/likes ARE you getting and on which apps? Different cities and different apps net different results in different locations and at different times of the year.

    Earlier this year I was having matches on coffee meets bagel. Then later I was getting no matches and only Hinge was working.

    Now on Okcupid I started getting matches again. So to me, I think people migrate between the apps and it’s definitely location dependent.

    That being said, you should post a profile review on one of the dating subreddits. You could have bad pictures or bio/prompts and not even know it. You might be more attractive in person but if your pictures are bad you’ll get less matches.

16. Yeah I feel this every now and then but try not to let it get me down bc it’s not like I can change my age and overthinking on this just isn’t helpful/positive so I try to snap out of that way of thinking.

17. Maybe it’s because they are looking just to hook up for the night or want FWB

18. My best guess is the combo of alternative and over 30. I’m not a man, but it’s something I stopped finding attractive in men by my mid-20s. I think people may see it as a sign of immaturity – like being stuck in a rebellious teen phase. (I’m not saying it is a sign, just that maybe people see it as one.)

    I used to look quite alternative but don’t anymore and I haven’t had my dating matches drop as I get older, so I don’t think it’s just age. I’m in my late 30s and get an overwhelming amount of matches. Actually I’d say it went up quite a bit since retiring my alt style, even though I’m older.

19. Hi are you me? I’m 34F and also somewhat alternative and it’s slim pickings out there. I feel like most people on online dating are exhausted so have dropped out or are doing very little. I just switched to hinge because it’s only 8 likes a day so you can’t binge swipe and get obsessed, and you can see who likes you. I’ve had one like this week and 2 people respond to my likes. It’s slow. I think for me I thought it would be hot girl summer and it was more like unrealistic expectations summer. So now going into fall I think everyone is just accepting hunkering down for winter solo, whether consciously or subconsciously.

20. There could be lots of reasons OP… but I’d say it’s mostly statistics and yea, yea I don’t have anything to back this up

    How many of your friends are in relationships already in their 30s? The majority of mine are all in established relationships and some are already married. The dating pool is smaller, the older you go.

    Not to mention we reduce it further by being selective and people have changing priorities and busier lives the older we get. For many people, 30s is where they focus on their careers. This is why, I think there’s a resurgence in dating for people in their 40s.

    I used to get a lot of matches or whatever in my 20s. I also swiped right a lot more. I don’t get as much in my 30s and compound that with my newer standards… I get much less.

    I’d say don’t put your eggs in one basket and do other things aside from OLD

    And here’s another thing… dating apps have become a way to meet people…. for friends. It’s completely ridiculous and I actually think it’s kinda pathetic. Like, you moved to a new city and you don’t know anyone so you sign up for a dating app to look friends. It’s same as the enm people. I want to filter them out. I’m not interested in friends, I got plenty.

21. People don’t like when I share this opinion but…OLD is terrible for serious relationships. Specially if you are looking to settle down.

    My best advice to you, is to go out and socialize more. Being at home scrolling a bunch of pictures of random people left or right is not healthy at all.

    If I were you, I would go with a female friend to a coffee shop were you have seen guys going to, and try to be “approachable” there. And by approachable i mean that you give him a signal.

    *It really gets to my self esteem.. especially with all the stories that it should be easier on the apps for woman. -* Is not. Is hard for both men/women and also exhausting and time consuming.

22. LTR-oriented alternative person is exactly what I’m looking for. Maybe I should get some piercings and dye my hair

23. I’m a guy and based on how you describe yourself would definitely swipe right if there was also some type of common interest hook or good conversation starter on your profile. It’s difficult to comment about where you might stand more broadly without knowing/seeing more specifics but not wanting to share that much is totally understandable.

24. There are people like me looking to meet someone in the real world. Deleted my account in April and haven’t looked back.

25. The apps suck. What I’ve heard from friends who have success is that it’s basically a numbers game – you swipe right on anyone you consider remotely viable, then sort the matches later. Most swipes won’t turn into matches, most matches won’t turn into dates, most dates won’t be fantastic, but with enough attempts you can maybe eventually find something.

    I’ve personally had much better success trying to meet women where I am – at a local bar, at my work (I work in a huge university), groups for hobbies, etc.

26. Try Hinge.

27. I dislike bumble so far and think I’d dislike tinder too. Hinge has been good for me. I don’t know if hinge is big in your area. I dislike bumble so far because there’s no way to stand out as a guy with a good first message like hinge. I get nearly zero likes, but have sent the daily likes for a little over a week and found several conversations.

    Dating and relationships are hard. I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much. If you don’t feel comfortable doing a profile review here than I’d suggest asking your friends to review it.

28. You might just have unreasonable expectations for how difficult this should be, because it sounds awfully like you expected to be able to just window shop for a boyfriend. You might be doing just fine relative to other women’s experiences. Hard to say if you’re putting something off without seeing an actual profile, but my assumption is that what you’re dealing with is probably normal for OLD, which sucks for everyone regardless of how pretty or successful they are. I don’t use it.

29. I am not a fan of piercings, stretched earlobes, anime hair colour and the like. Neither are any of my friends. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wear piercings/tattoos etc. but these can be very off-putting for a lot of guys on dating apps. Men are more accepting of the alternative look in person so that might be the key to finding that special someone.

30. I totally feel you!! I’m a 30F, I have a lot going for me yet I can’t successfully meet anyone.

    I even struggle getting dates, never mind it going anywhere. I’m on hinge as I think that’s where you will find people looking for LTR. It seems to me that no one is that interested in getting to know anyone but they would rather just message all the time.

    Then if you bring up the idea of a date they ghost or unmatch you… why are they even on OLD in the first place?

31. >I’m mostly on Bumble and sometimes Tinder.

    You may need to adjust fire to Hinge or something else as you get older. The few times I’ve tried both of those in my 30s were complete dead ends. Apps that require a little more effort than just “swiping” seem to get the more serious and mature folks at 30+ FWIW

32. I’m curious by what you mean that you don’t get many matches.

    A female friend of mine created a Hinge account for the heck of it. Her pics are average and her prompts are kinda boring. She just created the profile out of curiousity. She’s 34 and got tons of likes on her profile within the first day. Within 4 days, she’s got like more than 50. I would say she’s a tad bit above average in looks and skinnny. If she’s not getting matches , it’s because she’s deciding not to match with those who like her profile.

33. It may be your alternative look. Dyed hair? Tons of piercings? If so, that’s a look that you should have dropped in your twenties. Maybe try switching up your pictures. Change your prompts.

    I’m a 34m. Also having a difficult time with OLD. I’d like to settle down and start a family. Being a conservative on the dating apps is as if your a nazi. Being a conservative Christian is being a double nazi. So, what can ya do!? 🤷‍♂️

34. OLD seems to be completely different now than it was for me years ago.

    In my twenties, I had more matches and likes than I could keep up with.

    Now the matches are rare. The only thing I could say is different besides my age is the fact I am looking to settle down and I have that on my profile.

    I feel like most people on OLD are just looking for hookups? Or at least that has been my experience in my area.

35. Hey there, I think it is a really challenging time to be out in the world looking for someone. It feels to me that the apps create a very large situation of endless choice. Although I think the move to support people’s different type of love like polyamory is great for societal progress, I find fitting into the desire for a monogamous relationship in this day and age feels more unlikely. I have many friends who are poly-amorous, or in open relationships, and it just doesn’t do it for me. It makes me wonder always whether there is someone out there who is compatible with me and on my bandwidth.

    But I know there are certainly people out there that want what you want, and will find you desirable too 🙂 The kicker is finding them. Meeting in the real world certainly feels more organic, and I can tell if I am attracted to them or not. However, you also don’t know exactly what people are looking for in this case, so it might be a slower and less direct process. For myself, I have decided to not use apps, and instead focus on the people who come into my life. Few of them are compatible romantically, but I know they are out there! Also as a man, I see plenty of attractive women in public, but I do not approach them. I generally assume people deserve the respect to live their lives unperturbed. That being said, I talk to plenty of strangers, but I don’t view those interactions romantically. I’m just being friendly and acknowledging our mutual absurd existence.

    Keep your head up! You will find someone right for you, but don’t take the pattern of online dating as a measure of your worth. We are too complex to be reduced down to a simple dating profile.

36. Hinge released some data on what works best photo wise. Also, as a woman who’s also dealing with the age thing now, I have my profile settings up to early 40s for men