Hi, I’m using a relatively private acct because it’s embarrassing stuff, but i am a vet who did whatever amount of time it’s not important, all that is important is I developed a LOT of emotional problems, a couple addictions here and there, and an increase in dangerous activities some of which is the amount of casual sex i was having.
Lately though, even though i have been sober, i feel good, look better (not marine fit but that is my goal), i have been going to therapy and all that, my desire for actual sex has decreased.
I have always been introverted but as a young guy of course i loved sex and i was all about weekend hook-ups, parties and stuff.
Then i got married, she cheated we got divorced and it took years to get better-ish (i have my days). I guess this could fuck someone up, but i did not realize how badly. I’m still attracted women (sometimes men super picky tho) and I’ve had relationships during my separation phase to fill that *void of nothing* you get inside.
Fuck idk what I’m even asking anymore. Anywho nowadays I’ve been horny as FUCK and drinking only water so i think that has been helping with, uh, performance 😂.
But the problem is i think my relationship killed me inside so much that, even though I’ll be agreeing to meet up with someone, I will immediately decide I don’t want to feel that intimacy and i block or ghost for days.
I feel terrible about it.
Currently tonight i agreed to meet up with someone when family is asleep (waiting for job offers to get back out) and regardless how in the mood i am, I’m starting to feel stressed, nervous even. I just don’t want to have sex now, but I’ve been teasing this one person for a while (unintentionally, i just ghost :/). We’ve hooked up before so it isn’t anxiety meeting the person. I tend to pressure myself.
So i guess currently:
1. I no longer am in the mood to fuck, but i am denying myself a potential fun time. I put pressure on myself because i will feel bad that I promised, so ill have sex and feel disgusted with myself. What should i tell this person? Personally sex feels empty and hollow to me and as good as it can be i always dwell on it. Idk what to do. I will be physical with myself out of shame sometimes.
2. Tf is wrong with my brain? Im seeing a therapist and psychiatrist but I don’t want to explain this, simply because the VA will stop focusing on my military related concerns and focus on sex. I just want to feel good without hating myself.
3. Should i even have sex rn? Am i in an emotionally safe position to do this and potentially hurt them with my own selfishness? Even casual sex can hurt if ur ghosted.
Anyways thanks 🧍🏻♂️
4. Oh also having sexual conversations with friends about relationships, wwyd, that type of stuff grosses me out now. Is this guy version of daddy issues?