Moving out after living together for 3 years.
My BF (M30) and myself (F28) have been together for 3 years. We were best friends for years before we dated.
He moved into a large house I shared with my dad and ran my business from. He moved in before we officially started dating as I has already signed a long lease and moved in 8 months prior to our relationship.
It’s been 3 years and we’ve gone through ALOT. There has been alot of hurt. I have asked for commitment, stability and trust. He has asked for our own relationship and our own place. He says that living in house with my dad immaculates him and makes him feel like a child living with a parent. He also says that because I am a people pleaser, I tend to prioritise my dad over our relationship and we have no time to do our own thing.
Moving out was unfortunatly not doable due to financial obligations, a 3 year lease and the practically of BOTH of our businesses being run from home.
Recently our lease came to an end and we’re on a month to month arrangement with our landlord. Which has now become acrimonious so we HAVE to move.
My BFs relationship with my dad spiraled into mutal anger and resentment between the both of them. Him and I have also been fighting non stop.
The solution to move out together ( I was 100% okay to do this but asked that he fixes the hurt in our relationship ) was countered with him rather wanting to move out alone, even though he had been asking for “us” to live alone together for 3 years.
I explained that I expressly do not want that, but he has told me that he feels its the only solution right now. His reasons are that he can get away from my dad, work on his anger issues, have his alone time and process the death of his father ( he past away in June 2021 and alot of our issues have happened since then). He says this is also so that we can go for couples counselling, individual therapy and have the “dating” experience we skipped in the beginning.
This means that my dad and I will move into a place while him and I work on our our relationship over the next few months.
He has told me that this is temporary ( we set a 3 month time frame) , that my name can go on the lease and I will have keys, we can choose a place we’re both happy with and I can come over whenever I want.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Did this work for you? We’re you able to get over the feelings of hurt and abandonment? Did you relationship get a “reset”
Thank you so much for your help.
TL:DR BF wants to move out to work on himself and our relationship. Says its temporary. Has anyone else been through this?
9 comments
You guys don’t live together like adults, you live with your dad.
I wouldn’t want to live there either if I didn’t want to live with your dad? Why is moving somewhere just the two of you not an option? Because he doesn’t want to.
Ultimately, this is likely a breakup in slow motion. It’s hard to take backwards steps in a relationship and somehow move it forward again later. After three years of he doesn’t feel like it’s home and a safe place and y’all can’t deal with stress and life events together, it’s not going to magically happen.
I wouldn’t sign a lease with him if just let him go get his own place. And then you, or you and your dad find your own place. If you decide to still date then cool. Or you can go ahead and end the relationship and move on.
I’m confused. What culture are you from? Why do you want to live with your dad so much when in society when people are older they move out of the nest?
Usually, moving out after living together doesn’t recover. Cos it is seen as a step back in the relationship. But it sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of unresolved stuff and your relationship is that terrible that you both have to consider if it’s worthy of investing more. For now, he wants to be away from who he considers an interloper in your relationship.
Your previous situation indeed was not a good thing. Living with parents generally sucks cos people run into the situations you two ran into. There needs to be a very big line of ‘what cannot be seen cannot be commented on’ and that happens by living away from your parent. It seems like your dad always comes with you. Is your dad not looking for a partner himself to live with? Perhaps you should look at the relationship you have with your dad and if you are relying too much on another. It sounds like some of your fights involved defending your dad.
Honestly this kind of sounds like the behinning of the end. He spent three years telling you what he needed and you ignored him and now it feels like its too late. Its nice that he seems to stillnwant to try but this whole post screams that he has just had enough after not being aknowledged for years.
>There has been alot of hurt. I have asked for commitment, stability and trust.
And he responded by saying he wants to move out alone. He gave you your answer.
Feels like your BF is breaking up with you…
Just FYI, the word is “emasculate”, not “immaculate”.
this is such a difficult situation! it seems like you both are going through a lot. my partner and i were in a similar situation— best friends to roommates to partners to not living together to living together again!
honestly, the moving out saved our relationship! we DID get the things your bf described: romantic dates, couples therapy, individual therapy. it was so nice to have some space to work on our individual issues and then get the butterfly feeling again when we saw each other. it wasn’t always easy, but it ultimately strengthened our relationship. we live together now, and it’s much healthier.
i know it’s an unusual order of operations for a couple, but i felt so much better about myself and better about us. either way, you’ll get some space and time to process what you really want from yourself and be able to approach your romantic life with intention rather than fear.
good luck!!