I, 28M, have been together with my wife for nine years, married for four. She is 27, turning 28 in April.
It’s long but its my descent into utter darkness. I don’t know how to get out. Please…. help. I just feel so alone.
She wanted to have kids in April. Repeatedly I expressed that I didn’t feel we were ready. That she was underestimating just how much our lives will change. That it was too early, that there are financial, career and personal goals that we should accomplish first. I stated that I wanted kids, but later. This isn’t doable for her, as she’s certain that she wants to have a baby before 30 and leave room for a possible second one before that deadline too.
Aside from the way our lives will change, I felt that our communication was severely lacking. And I’m not vilifying her — it’s largely become *my* fault. She is very head strong and determined and I tend to just capitulate and give in because, instead of a conversation, it always devolves into a screaming match. I look up things like how to improve communication and try to be as calm and “constructive” as possible. I don’t blame her for anything, and try to speak mostly just about how I feel and make suggestions and ask for her input. But, for all her many virtues, she finds it difficult to discuss her emotions and prefers, she readily admits, to “bury it down” and “just not think about it.” She claims she is perfectly happy with this method of internal resolution.
But we fight. We don’t have a good way to solve problems. And I also have major “daddy issues” from my deadbeat dad who was never around and left me completely alone. So i’m super hesitant to have kids because I want to be the PERFECT father. We need to have a HEALTHY, and communicative home where we solve problems without shouting at each other. Or I don;t think it would be fair to have kids.
So as the deadline approaches and my protests fell on deaf ears, I became anxious. Very anxious. Depressed. Resentful. I started to wonder, “Are we going to make it?” And started looking at this subreddit, googling divorce-related things — not because I wanted a divorce, but because I anticipated the *possibility.* I just wanted a picture of what awaited us if we walked through that door.
And I become more terrified. It seemed terrible. I felt trapped. I thought maybe we couldn’t even get one, for fear of what it would do to her family. I started engaging in escapist fantasies. Late night, I googled “what’s an affair like” and went down a rabbit hole. I wondered what dating after divorce was even like, and googled tinder because I’d never used it. I definitely, for one late night, let my mind wander in the fantasy.
But then I woke up the next day, went to work. We watched TV. Joked a bit. Talked about nothing serious. I thought about the things I have to work on, major personal projects. But every moment my mind always came back to “how are we going to do this?” And I tried talking. We get into another fight, she says that it’s not as hard as I make it out to be. That nothing will change. That we can do everything we already do and raise the kids. THat “we’re fine” and that “everything is okay” despite us not being on the same page about anything — values, problem-solving, how we want to raise them.
Even personally, we’re not on the same page. She has trust issues and scans through my credit statement every day. She demanded I give her my 24/7 live location on the iphone. I’ve never cheated. She’s against marijuana and has blown up on me for occasionally taking a bong hit maybe once a year when it just comes my way in social settings.
So anyway. A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with my neighbor friend, watching a shitty movie. He pulled out some weed, I didn’t want to smoke a lot because I almost never do, but I am good at rolling joints from my days in college where I would smoke more, so I offered to roll one. I did, and pocketed the papers just out of a habit — without thinking.
She found the papers and then went through my search history. She saw the random late night google rabbit holes about “what’s a divorce like” and tinder related stuff. We had a dead bedroom spell and I had even… and this is shameful… googled massage parlors (judge me, sure. It’s fair. And disgusting. I never went, obviously. I just couldn’t. But it was a dark curiosity about something I knew nothing about.)
I maintained that I actually didn’t want a divorce. I wanted to fix our communication issues and have a healthy, happy marriage. And, building on that, raise healthy happy kids in just 2-3 years from now instead of six months. But those stupid google searches have no context. I’m a fucking idiot. She is shocked, appalled, disgusted. SHe hasn’t left or kicked me out, but I have tried to explain everything, from my fear of having kids, my feeling that our communication system doesn’t work, that I feel the watchful and suspicious she’s kept on me (despite actually being 110% faithful for all nine years being together), that I feel I am also largely to blame for always capitulating instead of standing my ground on important issues. That all of this led to fear, anxiety and hopelessness and dumb late night rabbit holes but that I seriously, seriously don’t want a divorce.
But she thinks I’m a cheater. Or that I want to cheat. And I can’t even say much. I can declare to utter strangers that I really wasn’t. I looked it up one night in frustration like an angry kid packing his bags to run away but, when the morning came, I was almost flabbergasted and went on with my life. But…. but I did lie.
And she’s just saying “I don’t know” to every question I ask her. I think I want to save this marriage but I don’t know if I can. I don’t know what to do. I’m spiraling out of control and realizing that maybe I’m just a fucking idiot. And I may have hurt the person who, despite our issues, I very much love. And I don’t how to reconcile that. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know how to survive.
27 comments
Have you guys thought about going to couples therapy and also you and her get individual therapy to help with this?
Especially since you have expressed that you have issues with your past with your dad abandoning you etc.
Instead of coming to reddit I would really consider you guys seeing a therapist and starting couples therapy.
You say you are not on the same page about anything —values, problem-solving, how to raise kids, when to have kids. She doesn’t trust you, you’re looking up divorce and tinder and affairs, she’s tracking your phone, checking your credit daily (?!) and you scream at each other instead of communicating. Oh, and you’ve already had a dead bedroom in your 20s pre-children.
My dude, I goddamn HOPE you destroyed your marriage because this marriage is a bad match. Your fucked-up-o-meter is broken. Do not have children with this woman. Don’t even have sex with her ever again because she WILL babytrap you to meet her kids-before-30 deadline. Leave and find a woman who shares your values and trusts you and sees you as more than a cheating sperm donor.
You disagree on how to raise children? You can’t communicate and can’t reach a compromise? On top of that she’s a paranoid control freak? And you have abandonment issues stemming from your childhood? This is a recipe for divorce. If you start a family before dealing with these issues you will ruin not only your life, but also the lives of your future children.
You need to deal with these issues you have now. It’s unfair to hold on to her too long without having kids because it gets harder to have kids when you’re older. You on the other hand can leave her for a younger woman and have kids until you’re 70.
I think it is clear that you love your wife a lot but love and relationships transform over time. The reason why some marriages fall apart is because one of the couple grows and changes and the other might not, remaining static. You have been with your wife for 9 years – that’s a long time. There’s probably some comfort there, with being in a relationship with someone you’ve known for such a long time.
However, as you so eloquently pointed out, this relationship has major problems and your wife likes to deal with them by “burying her feelings” and avoiding difficult conversations. That is not conducive to a healthy marriage. You don’t sound ready for kids based on these excellent points you already made. Really reevaluate how you want to move forward before bringing kids into such an unhealthy dynamic.
And don’t be so hard on yourself. Honestly, of the two of you, your wife seems to have much bigger problems ( avoidance, controlling, paranoid, etc.). You deserve a say in your own marriage and especially in making a life changing decision like having kids. Stand your ground.
I think you are already a very good, caring father to your children by not bringing them into this mess. It’s okay to have children when you don’t have daycare sorted out. That can be arranged later. That can fall into place.
But destructive communication patterns and ideological differences will NOT just fall I place. Your childhood wounds will not magically close, they may be ripped wide open by having children and seeing their mother treat them in a way you do not condone. The children can be damaged by how you two treat each other. This is all very toxic.
You need therapy. She likely needs therapy. And if both therapies are successful, you can have children. With each other or with someone else; at that point you will have realized that both are options, and hopefully have the tools to make the right choice for you.
Not bringing children into this depressing maelstrom you are in right now is the right decision.
she said nothing will change if we have a kid. lololololol. the rest just further proves she’s out of her mind.
Well at least you don’t have to worry about her wanting kids with you anymore. Mission accomplished.
Hey OP, your in a tough spot. I personally wouldn’t have done what you did, even though you got upset it just feels wrong to go down affair rabbit holes and divorce reddits.
The only way I can see you fixing this is going to your wife who is not far from you now, telling you that you love her and are sorry and put your phone in her hand so she can read this thread.
I’m my mind, it’s the only shot you have at fixing this. If you don’t, her doubts will fester. She is most likely already regretting marrying you and just trying to hold her emotions in.
She wanted a child, what she got was a hesitant husband fantasyIng about cheating.
Just get divorced man. Kids will make everything worse.
You have a lot of self sabotage going on. Why didn’t you just delete the search history?Then your fence sitting of on the one hand, but on the other hand. Apparently for whatever reason, you are not ready and honestly may never be. Both of your communication skills leave a lot to be desired, meanwhile due to anxiety, you are spinning into infinity. Please concentrate on your mental health. With or without your wife. You may end up seeing that you aren’t even compatible. Heal yourself and get emotionally healthy and the rest of your life will fall into place with you making better choices.All that you really can control is you and your responses to life’s challenges. Good luck
The two of you should try couples counseling to learn to communicate better since this is a concern. If you aren’t ready for kids, then set a boundary. Just know she is entitled to accept it or leave. We cannot control other people, only ourselves. Just so you know, no one is perfect. If you wait until you’ll be “a perfect father,” you’ll never have children.
You are not compatible with this woman. You need to stop now before you actually get talked into having a kid to appease her.
She wants kids and you either need to give them to her or divorce her. It’s not fair that you’re doing this to her when she is almost 30. 35 is the mark of high risk pregnancy and chances of Down syndrome and other abnormalities increases. This is a fundamental incompatibility. Let her find someone who wants the same things as her.
You two need marraige counseling asap. Your communication is in the dumps. I hope you don’t get pregnant until you learn how to talk to each other.
Please please please don’t bring children into a world with a partner you’re already unsure of. If you can’t agree when it’s just you two, you’re going to ruin your life and the childrens. Split half your shit, lose custody of the kids, fight with your ex wife, pay for her and the kids while living in a shitty apartment for the rest of your life. You’ll be longing for the days of college where you could sleep on a futon in the garage.
I grew up in this situation. No one is happy, kids pick up on habits, not words. You can’t fake it, one of you will talk shit about the other to the kids, you’ll get petty, kids will suffer. They’ll get old enough to wonder why the fuck the two of you would ever have children when you didn’t even like eachother. How unfair that is to them. Why you couldn’t just fuck off and let them be!
Sorry man, but this ain’t it. You’d rather be alone then have an ex wife you pay for that hates you, kids you hardly see that you can’t bond with, and a life no one else will want to join you in.
Please don’t have children if you can’t communicate without yelling. I have ptsd from my parents screaming at each other from the time I was born till I was around 6 and they split.
It isn’t about you, it isn’t about your wife. Neither of you matter in comparison to a life you being into the world. Don’t bring children into a toxic environment.
I don’t like how she isn’t listening to OP’s fears and just keeps saying ‘IT WILL BE FINE!’ 30 is not old and I don’t understand the fixation in her bringing a kid into a marriage that is barely surviving.
You don’t want a divorce then you “think” you want to save your marriage? So, which is it? Seems to me you really don’t want to save it. Everything you looked up proved it…even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself
Pressuring you to have kids when you aren’t ready isn’t fair, to you, her, or your future children. If you have kids when you aren’t ready you can end up resentful. You need to compromise but she seems unwilling.
If you want this marriage to work you BOTH need to address the issues and come to a resolution together. Her just writing things off when you think there’s a problem doesn’t make the problem disappear. I’d one of you think there’s a problem then there’s a problem.
It’s no wonder why you’ve fantisized about running away. Your wife is trying to force you into something you don’t want and she’s unwilling to see things from a different perspective other than her own.
This marriage has been over for a while, and you both need to stop wasting each other’s time.
First off, did you talk about kids before getting married? If so, did you agree with having kids? I’m going to take a quick stab on what is going on with your wife.
You agreed to have kids or at least that’s what she believes. Now you keep pushing it into some future place, thinking that maybe it won’t happen if you delay it long enough. Then she sees you looking up divorce and affairs. She’s thinking you’re not in it for the long haul and don’t want kids at all. So how to fix it?
Bargain. You two sit down and talk. Set a date in the near future for her to go off birth control and/or you stop wearing condoms. For doing this, she agrees to CC to work on your communication issues and for you both to get your side interests out of the way. Save a little money too. Set a date, make a promise and don’t let anything get in the way of fulfilling that promise.
There is no perfect scenario for bringing a child in the world, the most important thing is that it’s loved and cared for.
I think you need to watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. He’s a comedian with very insightful thoughts on relationships.
Yeah man look you’ve clearly made some… not amazing decisions but if you’re being honest here (no reason why you wouldn’t be), you’re not the one in the wrong in this relationship. She’s controlling, won’t let you get a word in edgewise and blows up on you when you try to communicate (this leading to you not feeling like you know how to communicate when in reality you tried and were shut down). Not to mention her needing to have all information on you all the time (soooo not healthy).
You’re in a toxic relationship and you’re spiraling because of it. Frankly you are better off divorcing her, and honestly having a child with this woman would quite possibly ruin your life. Odds are she would use the child As leverage to get what she wants out of you in the event that you did divorce.
Tbh, and I am glad you are not villifying her because it’s so easy to, it sounds like the only one working towards a solution to the child issue was you. Her solution was have kids and figure it out.
From what you have said here, she is incredibly controlling. My partner and I do not go through one another’s things but also if I look over at his screen and ask him about something, he never has anything to hide. Same for me. He ahs never gone through my finances and vice versa.
Divorce sounds good.
You are a fucking idiot.
Ok, so to summarize this:
— The two of you 100% disagree on kids, and she absolutely has a timeline which does not work for you. Even in a healthy relationship, this means you should probably split and find people with compatible life goals.
— Neither of you communicate well. If your account is accurate, she represses most emotions and reacts with anger and combativeness when you disagree with her, and you don’t make your needs or wants known very often. This is a very unhealthy dynamic, and unless you both were 100% acknowledging that and were committed to fixing it, you should break up. Also a very good reason for you to not have kids together.
— She has controlling, obsessive behaviors and tramples all over your boundaries and privacy due to her insecurity. You should leave her for this because it’s unhealthy and abusive.
— She has a no tolerance policy on drugs, and found drug paraphernalia in your cloths. This would be a good reason for her to suspect drug use, and break up. Especially if she wants kids and wants to ensure they’re with someone who would never subject them to drug use.
— Based on your search history, she has every reason to think you’re already planning the divorce, already hooking up with people on tinder, already looking at dating options to replace her and have subjected her to physical risk by cheating with sex workers. I would tell any woman who found all that on her partner’s machine that she’s a fool if she doesn’t leave.
So basically, from a fundamental compatibility standpoint, you should split up. From a dynamic standpoint, you should split up. And each of you has behaved in ways or at least laid down fairly concrete-looking evidence that makes it look like you behaved in ways which were thoroughly unacceptable, and you should be dumped for. There is no reason this marriage should stay together, and every reason both of you would be happier and healthier apart. You both could use some therapy before going back out there too.