We’ve been dating almost 3 months now. I feel like I’ve made it clear at this point I’m in for a serious relationship and life partner, but it’s starting to feel like just friends, now that the honeymoon has passed.
She’s not religious or traumatized, but has 0 prior sexual experience. We’ve had some hot mutual masturbation, but she recoils at oral sex (never tried it, worries about STIs) and worries she’s too tight for me and worries about STI, despite the fact I’ve always used protection and got tested when we started dating and passed with flying colors. Trust me, I’ve tried every kind of reassurance. Even bought flavored condoms (for her benefit) and a ton of lube.
I’m beginning to feel like I’m wasting my time because I’m not 25 and sexual compatibility is a big deal and currently that’s still a question mark, with the needle not showing any signs of movement. She could be asexual or greysexual for all i know. There are plenty of positives that she’s a virgin but I feel like college and our entire 20s are the time to explore. I don’t want to be a teacher, I want to be a partner.
I had to describe something as simple as “cowgirl”. It’s like she doesn’t even think about sex. I could understand if she’s been waiting for the right time, but it seems like she hasn’t even explored what she might like or be interested in, if anything at all (via porn, self-pleasure, etc).
I’m worried if I just sit back and wait, nothing will happen for months or years.
9 comments
I’d honestly cut bait right now before letting things go even longer where the hurt and pain will be more. Or if you think she’d make a good friend, try that. I’ve personally always thought it’s very difficult to convert a romantic relationship to a regular friendship afterwards, but sometimes it works for people.
If she’s not responding to any kind of reassurance on your part and is still having issues with engaging in sex, then that sounds like something she needs to seek out professional counseling to fix.
Sounds like you’re not compatible. You’re not gonna reverse her view on sex that she’s had for 30yrs over the course of a few months. She’s most likely not going to until she’s married.
Have you spoken to her about it?
From what you describe it seems like you are wasting your time.
Well, I definitely think you shouldn’t sit back and wait. At minimum, a talk about sex with her might be useful for pursuing romance. What are her plans to deal with her worries about sex? Change about her worries needs to be driven by her ultimately. She’s not going to change just because you reassure her. So if your reassurances aren’t enough for her, then what’s going on? Why is she still a virgin? Was she waiting for the right time? What’s the right time? Why does she recoil at oral sex? By oral sex, did you mean both giving and receiving or just giving? Does she think about sex? Has she explored what she might like or be interested? Has she watched porn?
Edit: Does she know how important sexual compatibility is to you? How important is it to her?
I was a virgin into my 30’s. I don’t know how similar the totality of our circumstances are, but I more than understand how she’s probably feeling. I wasn’t opposed to having sex without marriage, but I was 1) very sexually repressed (and still struggle with it), 2) embarrassed by my lack of any sexual contact at all, 3) massively insecure, convinced I couldn’t possibly be found sexy, 4) never properly taught about sex, but learned what it was from the daughter of my babysitter, a girl who was younger than myself, the list goes on. To my credit, I did experiment a bit with myself and knew of kinks I definitely was into and wanted to try. So we didn’t go into things completely blind, lol. I didn’t have the fear of STIs that she apparently has, but I did have a tremendous fear of getting pregnant, despite all the precautions taken.
If you *really* like her, if you haven’t already, maybe ask her if she’s willing to do a little self-exploration and come up with a few things she might be willing to try. Even if she’s really hesitant to actually do them, what is she *curious* about? If she is uninterested in this exercise, I’d suggest letting her know you like her, but you need to find someone with a higher libido than she has.
Relationship is like investment. Time is currency and it looks like the company you invested in have different values/worth. Nothing wrong selling
Not to seem cold, but I think she needs to see a therapist.
People may wait until they’re older to have sex the first time for many reasons (I was one) but her limited curiosity/interest and the strange fears about ‘being tight’ or STDs despite your reassurances are concerning, and not normal.
Your post should go straight to AITA to which the answer is YES
Leave that girl alone,.you will only hurt her because your question is already.implying you think you are “wasting your time”.