This is my first relationship so I’m not sure how to approach this, but my boyfriend’s hands disgust me.
He doesn’t really wash his hands after using the bathroom. He gets a pump of soap, turns the facet on for like a second, slaps the water, then turns it off. This is for #1 AND #2.
I know this because my bathroom is connected to my bedroom and my sink is in my bedroom, think like a vanity area.
I feel like it should be obvious that that’s not really washing your hands. But it gets worse. It turns out this guy hates bugs. Like *really* hates them. So he kills them. **With his hands.**
I kid you not, we were at his friend’s house and a fly was heading towards him, so he reached out and crushed it and *wiped his hand on his friend’s couch.* They must have seen my face because they all laughed and just said “oh yeah, he does that.”
I was horrified! He apologized and laughed it off, but still didn’t wash his hands even then!
Those hands have been *inside* me. Mouth and vag. Shortly after I started sleeping with him I got my very first UTI, apparently from E. coli. Yeah that’s adding up now. This makes me want to avoid intimacy with him.
As a germaphobe, I always swore to myself shit like this would be a dealbreaker. But even though it’s a new relationship, we click so well so far. Similar world views and goals, plus he’s empathetic, intelligent, and ambitious.
**But goddammit his hand hygiene grosses me out.** I genuinely think if I asked him to, he would do better at this. But how do I bring this up without insulting him?
**TL;DR:** how do I gently tell this man to wash his damn hands?
16 comments
> But how do I bring this up without insulting him?
He lacks basic hygiene skills. He should be more than a little embarrassed that someone has to tell him this.
No that’s actually disgusting and a health risk you need to tell him. Tell him you got a UTI and that can be caused by bacteria on the hands, seeing as his hands are the only ones inside you, he NEEDS to make sure he scrubs his hands well and doesn’t smash bugs with them
You are probably not going to be able to change him and how he is and how he thinks and what he does with his hands. Especially things that are instinct reactions like killing bugs.
But you might be able to enforce that he has to do certain things if he wants to interact with you. What things would you like him to do for your sake and when?
> how do I gently tell this man to wash his damn hands?
Don’t be gentle, tell him you got a UTI because of him and you need him to be better about washing his hands. This is not a matter to tip-toe around, we’re talking about your health here.
If anything, you need to discuss him washing up *before* he engages in any form of intimacy with you. It is absolutely unacceptable that he has literally caused harm to your body because of his lack of hygiene. If he cares at all about your physical health it shouldn’t come as a burden to him.
This would be a deal breaker for me. You need to straight up tell him that his filthy hands gross you out. It’s unlikely that he will seriously change. Be prepared to leave.
I know I say this a lot on this subreddit but **DUMP HIM**
I would wonder… if he is so bad with washing his hands, he his most likely bad with washing everything else. And he smeared the bug at the couch. No, paper towel. He think the couch is great to smear stuff on. This will be your future. Your furniture will have smeared bugs, plobbers from his nose, fat from his hands when he eats… yummy!
He is 24. Do you really think he will change? And if he has no problem with not washing his hands of smearing stuff on furniture, do you really think he has the same cleaning-standard? Hygiene is so important and it is not just his hands. The hands are just most to stand out. I bet if you think back that you realized more before.
>Without insulting him
Deserves to be insulted, fucking disgusting
Think of all the nasty stuff he does without washing his hands that you *don’t* see…
Absolute fucking deal breaker. For one it’s disgusting and shows an utter lack of maturity. I couldn’t fuck someone so immature they don’t know you’re supposed to wash. It also makes me wonder what other gross things he neglects or does.
I was married to a person from another culture than mine. So conversations like this were usual, where expectations were different and we could approach them from, “Hey, we have a cultural difference here…”.
My marriage did not work out, so hopefully at least the approach does… lol. (It did not work out for other things, though.)
Normal basic intro: You and I have different expectations on cleanliness, morals, manners, etc. We agree on most, but it is correct to assume that some will not automatically align. That is why we can communicate with each other and we are a team trying to work out a problem on the relationship, not a problem between us…
(something like that)
And then you can say:
“Hey, my expectations on anything that will go in me, mouth, vagina, is that it is clean. Especially after the UTI. Please wash your hands, toys, or penis with soap and water and sing 2 happy birthday songs while washing them. [https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/when-how-handwashing.html](https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/when-how-handwashing.html) If you do not want to do that, then there will be no insertion of anything in me.”
That is a boundary and that is ok.
Good luck!!!
e.coli is the most common cause of UTIs and comes from you, not your boyfriend’s hands. Tell him to wash his hands longer for Covid purposes.
Okay, so the challenge for you (and the health of your relationship) is to put this across to him in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego or insult him.
Redditors might be like “No! It’s his own goddamn fault – he should fix it – fuck him!”… But the reality is that caring & sensitive communicating is really important in situations like this (if you don’t want to cause any kind of fracture in the relationship).
There’s many ways to do this.
**Some tips would be:**
* NOT using the word ” gross” when talking about it/him.
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* Not bringing it up as a *reaction* when either of you are pissed off.
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* Maybe phrasing it as “Would you be willing to change a small habit for me if it really made me feel better – it’s a really simple one.
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* This is a weird one, but : look up videos on how to teach/encourage kids to wash their hands – and see if there are any pointers in there that are relevant. Def don’t tell him you did this.
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* If he’s on the fence / doesn’t think it’s that big a deal, tell him about the UTI and how the coochie ecosystem is so sensitive.
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* Also, as a random aside – when i was a kid i thought soap was a scam. Guess i was a young conspiracy theorist. Then i watched a science video where they take a big bowl of water, put pepper on top so that it creates a blackish top layer, and then they just TOUCH the water with a bar of soap and BAM the pepper all gets repelled to the sides. This shows how soap breaks the surface tension and breaks down grease etc.
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* You could also get him a soap he likes.
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* Hand sanitizer is also an option, as a supplemental “add on” to hand washing, and might get addictive to him if there’s a bottle in another location (eg near the couch).
Good luck
Sometimes i feel down on myself like no girl would want me because im not perfect but then i see posts like these and remember that this is how low the bar is for what girls are willing to date
It’s not surprising to me actually. There are a large amount of studies that show that men in general seem to not like washing their hands, wash quickly like your boyfriend does (if you can even call it washing), avoid soap, etc. I actually like washing my hands (I’m a guy), and I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve seen just walk out of the restroom without washing, even after number 2. It’s disgusting. One guy was a bartender at a restaurant, and I was dining in with some friends. I saw him walk out of the stall straight to the exit. When I sat down to order, I saw him cutting lemons and touching glasses. I immediately told my waitress who was disgusted and then she told the manager who talked to him about it. One time I went out with my ex (girlfriend at the time) and we were at Six Flags and her friend’s boyfriend used the restroom while I was in there as well. This guy walked out, didn’t wash his hands, and when I came out after washing mine he was putting his hands over his girlfriend’s face and laughing and kissing her. I told my girlfriend and she was like that’s fucking disgusting. She told her friend later who didn’t seem happy with the news, but never did anything about it, didn’t talk to her boyfriend about it or anything. Don’t be like that, make that dude wash his freaking hands, under his nails, use soap, the whole 9 yards. I’m not sure why so many men don’t like to wash their hands, maybe they think since it’s their own bodies they’re clean or something, I don’t know, blows my mind though.