I’m scared to admit this to myself, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with my husband.

We met at 17/18, and dated for 2 years before getting engaged. We were engaged for a year before getting married at 20/21. We’ve been married for 4.5 years now. No kids. We are both deeply devout Christians, although our faith has been wavering lately, I’ve started deconstructing.

When we started dating, he checked all of my boxes. Everything looked great on paper. The perfect Christian man. I was relieved that I found someone so young. But despite that, I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something was missing. I ignored it and pushed it down because I was young, scared I wouldn’t find someone better, and had 0 practical reason for thinking anything was less than perfect. There were many times when we were dating and engaged that I thought that something was missing. I never had that “wild about him” feeling. A deep care for him and a best friendship yes, but the feelings were never there. Despite that, I went through with the marriage. I had no real reason I could give on why to end things.

Now here we are 4 years later. We are truly best friends and have similar goals in life. But the feelings still aren’t there for me. He loves me deeply, 100x more than I love him. I feel awful, and like I am doing him such a disservice. I finally think I figured out what the missing piece is – the love feeling.

I feel like a pretty common scenario is both people fall deeply in love, get married, and “fall out of love”. What do I do when the love was never there on my end?

I know that love is a choice. And the choice piece is what kept me going while we were dating and engaged. But I also don’t want to discount the real “love feelings” that people should have in marriage. I’ve tried so hard to force the feeling, but I can’t seem to do it.

10 comments

  1. If you picture him with someone else, how does that make you feel?

    Do you still desire him?

  3. What’s these real “love feelings” you’re talking about?

    Many people have this fairytale simplistic view of being “in love” with their spouse and I never understood it. As if these feelings just happen and start.

    These feelings for me towards my wife were never something that just “happened”. Over time, as we started getting closer in our relationship, my personal walls started falling down and it allowed me to open up to her, which how she responded to me opening up allowed me to love her more and more.

    When I was diagnosed with infertility and saw how gracious and patient she was with me, those feelings of being “wild about her” rose to the top. Because the character, values, and who she was both inside and out.

    I’ve started falling in love with her even more as we transition to the next step of our marriage as parents. Watching what she’s done for the last 33 weeks has been something incredible. And every day through and through being as gracious and as amazing as she’s been has me falll in love with her more and harder.

  4. Just tell him how you feel and let him make his own decision about you and the relationship. That’s all you can do.

    Fwiw, the “problem” is that we’re often too inexperienced when we meet our first spouses. I mean, have you ever had a friend who talks about how some restaurant is the “best” when they’ve not traveled much? It might be a nice restaurant, but how the hell would your friend know if they’ve never gotten out much? It’s sorta like that.

    I also don’t really buy into this whole concept that it’s “normal” for feelings to fade after a few years. Imho, that’s just people rationalizing the fact that their relationship isn’t great: They tell themselves that it’s “normal” and happens to everyone.

  5. Love is a choice, every day. It is something you choose to do. Loving someone is a choice, shown by actions.

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    If you expect marriage to be carried by feelings of being in love it will crash and burn.

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    Frankly, this feels like selfishness in that there are infidelities in the past and you are not committed to reconciliation. It sounds like you are chasing the emotional high. In all honesty, the mature love that comes in time with loyalty and choosing them every day as an act of will can lead to a feeling of peace and love that is quite amazing, but a lasting marriage is more like an oak than a wildflower. It isn’t as flashy, but it lasts. It stands up to storms. I am 17 years in with my first love.

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    I will note that often when I have seen deconstruction it is often a very bad sign for relationships. It shows that core values are in a state of flux and all too often stem from actions that deviate from core values that people are not able to reconcile with their core beliefs. Did the deconstruction start after the infidelities? If so, to me it might indicate that that is the source of all this. If so, this needs to be addressed first.

  6. I think maybe you are confusing “love feelings” with infatuation. Infatuation is a powerful feeling and fun but it does not last and does not equal love.

  7. Am I allowed to be annoyed that you wasted 4 years of his life as well as 4 years of yours.

  9. >getting married at 20/21

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    >We are both deeply devout Christians

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    Yep, this tracks. You should probably just leave him; he deserves someone who’s going to love him as much as you say he loves you. And you should find someone you actually love *before* getting married.

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