I’m f23, basically heterosexual. My first relationship was long distance, so no intimacy and it lasted 3 years. After that I started to meet people, had my first kiss at 22, first time sex at 23, had sex with 3 people so far.
Masturbation is no problem. With or without porn, I get excited, touch myself, feel good, cum.
With other people it’s always the same issue for me. When we are making out, I am really excited and wet, I do want to have sex. Then, somehow through taking our clothes off, it switches and all horniness suddenly vanishes. I DON’T feel ashamed for my body or find the other person not attractive. I also DO very much feel ready for sex in general and in that moment but my body kind of.. shuts down all sexuality? Then, I usually don’t get that wet anymore. To get horny again (which doesnt always happen) I have to concentrate extremely hard. I’d usually focus my thoughts on my private area and how good it feels, I sort of try to “dirty talk” myself in my head. Then I am able to get horny and sometimes even cum but
1) it requires a lot of concentration and focus and that sort of isn’t that fun
2) the orgasm often isn’t that good, it almost feels mechanical at times. The best orgasm I had was definitely masturbating.
Another issue I’ve encountered is how physically soring the sex I’ve experienced is.
\- when a guy penetrates me, it can feel good in one type of position, but I also constantly feel me getting sore alongside the feeling. In other positions, sex feels like inserting a tampon. Not painful, but not amazing either.
\- once a guy has penetrated me, and tries to go down on me for example, I am so sore that I can rarely enjoy his fingers or mouth because all I feel is the soreness and that numbs every other sensation
\- giving a guy oral or hand sex can be so exhausting as well. My back and neck starts to hurt and my jaw muscles are tired and I can never be as fast as they do it when they touch themselves and I’m thinking about my stiff knees and how I feel like I’m suckling on a fish and wishing for him to cum, not because I feel uncomfortable but because I want to stretch my body because it feels so exhausted. I thought of writing this post in great detail while giving oral sex in exactly that manner.
​
I want to have sex and I want to enjoy it and it frustrates me that I can’t. I’m pretty sure I’m not asexual. I enjoy porn and fantasies a lot and I like to picture myself in those fantasies. When I see an attractive person and there is the possibility of sex, I get excited and want to sleep with them and that continues until something switches in my brain and it’s all just work and exhausting. I’m relatively sure this has mental reasons but I’m not sure what to fix. I never felt unsafe or uncomfortable with a partner, just bodily “not there”
​
I will be looking forward to reading your insights! Thank you!
12 comments
You might want to think about incorporating lube into your sexual endeavours if soreness is such a problem for you. And *lots* of it.
Did you use penetrating toys for masturbation or just clitoral stimulation? If you can enjoy a toy just fine, then my guess is it’s something about being with an actual person that is doing it: anxiety, basically?
Sex will start being fun when you start sleeping with people who realize that it’s at least as much mental as it is physical, and who are creative and imaginative enough to dirty talk for you so that you don’t have to withdraw into yourself to get off. You’ll be able to be present in the moment with a partner who is “running the show” for you because he genuinely cares about your pleasure. That means you’ll have to date and actually talk to people for a while and have multiple in depth conversations with them about the kind of sex you want to be having.
That’s why communicating is so important (and why people in healthy relationships tend to have better sex). A partner who can “get in your head” and whom you trust enough to *let* in your head, and in your fantasies, is going to get you off better than somebody you’re mechanically awkwardly fucking for the first time and met that night.
A lot of that will come with maturity. You’re still pretty young and in my experience, younger guys have a tendency to not have worked through their shit enough. And as a result, they’re suuuuuper weird and insecure about sex. Plus, at 23, it’s almost guaranteed you have some of your own shit to work through, as well. Don’t stress it too much. Just try to learn from your mistakes and work on yourself as best you can. You’ll get there.
For once I got an answer that won’t be huge, especially for a long one….your not with the right person. No matter what anyone says pair bonding and intimacy are important. I definitely not saying don’t be intimate just that till you find a “good one” it might be just meh.
It’s a mindset for me too. I just have to find someone that’s as enthusiastic about sex as me. About the details in foreplay to the act itself to after care.
you just need to find better guys to have sex with. you have a very small sample size
It seems you need to be more relax. The stress/anxiousness cam ruin all the fun.
It seems you need to be more relax. The stress/anxiousness cam ruin all the fun.
Lots of good advice below my post. You sound like you are too much in your head about all of this. Probably why you posted here. You need to relax to enjoy sex. Relax and trust your partner. Maybe have a drink before you get naked or just have long makeout and massage sessions. Its not all about the PIV and orgasms. For women 80% of your orgasm is in your head not your crotch. Work on getting your mind right and your body will follow
You will know it when you will fell fun. Really easy question.
I’d find a partner you can trust and tell them about this issue, then take it really slow. If taking clothes off is when the switch flips, let them know you’re basically back to square one at that point. Maybe hang out with them naked and slowly build the arousal back up. For me the more comfortable I am with a partner the easier it is to transition to actual sex.
Like anything good in life, great sex comes from patience, practice and learning what YOU want out of it! I’m in my 50’s and am having the best sex of my life! It took me years to be able to voice, in public, what I want and what I need! Learn what turns you on, then work on getting the voice to tell your partners what you need, then learn to negotiate so everyone come out with a memorable experience. Forts and foremost, have fun and be with people who you can have fun with. And never forget, No means NO!