My best friend’s girlfriend is incredibly toxic towards me. My best friend agrees, and she thinks her girlfriend is outta line. Hanging out with them is becoming difficult, as I know that her gf despises me. Should I ask my friend to choose between me and her gf?
Added information:
Okay. My best friend is 18, I am 19. The gf is 18. I have been very close to my best friend for a long time. We have been through a hell of a lot together and are very good friends, but nothing inappropriate happens between us. I told her a few months ago, that when I was younger I used to have a crush on her. And her gf then demanded that she cut all contact with me permanently. And has been talking shit about me behind my back to other people, despite me being nothing but respectful towards her and my friend’s relationship since they’ve been together. The gf openly admits she is petty and admits she hates my very existence. She has gone as far to say that part of her would be happy if I died. I have reached out to her when she is in pain, and I have helped her through some very difficult times, all out of the goodness of my heart, but all of that now means nothing because when I was younger I had a crush on my friend (whom she is now dating)
27 comments
I would suggest telling them instead, “hey, your gf is toxic to the point of hanging out with you guys isn’t comfortable. Until you figure things out, it’s best we don’t hang out.”
Telling them to pick between you and her will possibly make them resent you, the way I suggested will make them resent her as she’s the cause of the problem.
If your best friend agrees, then just ask her to hang out with out the gf. Don’t make people choose like that if you can help it. It rarely ends with then siding with you, so best to only do it if you’re at a point that you’d rather end the friendship than deal with the other person.
Don’t ask *her* to choose, just tell your BFF you will no longer be around her GF due to her behaviour towards you. Tell your BFF you will be cutting contact and ignoring her at any and all group activities.
I’d also tell your closest friends if they haven’t noticed already.
Edit for correction of gender
Never ever make her choose. Just step away because so far she’s putting her girlfriend over your feelings. Step away and let them be. I know this hurts but less than being in a toxic environment. (did I get the pronouns right???)
Well, I read your other comments and I would be pissed too if my partner would hang out with someone who had a crush on them. But it would just be my opinion.
I’d see it differently if there were never feelings involved, but sadly it happened.
Your BFF and her gf should sit down together and talk about boundaries. Her gf has this boundary and it can be pretty damaging to her if her boundaries are getting walked over every since day. It can become toxic.
If you ans your BFF think she’s toxic then end it. But don’t let her suffer for something she doesn’t feel right about.
You left out some pretty important information that you used to have a crush on your best friend.
Your girlfriend knows her friend is out of line and let’s it slide? She doesn’t say or do anything? Either she agrees that you deserve the abuse or she has no spine. Not a keeper
I’m confused is your friend not doing anything about the problem she supposedly sees?
No don’t make her choose.. I doubt you’re the only friend she hates her girlfriend spending time with. Just be there for your friend. This kind of controlling shit is draining.. she’ll see the light herself.
You sound too untitled towards your bff, by what I saw in your responses. I think the resolution you want to have will only hurt you, bcuz she will not break up with her gf bcuz of you, even if you think you have more rights than the gf bcuz you know her before. You are in a different level than her gf.
Sadly, I dont see a lot of options beside talking a step back and being honest.
Like “Bff, your girlfriend makes me unconfortable. I understand if you wish to keep the relationship, but If Thats your choice, we should stay some time apart.” I know it hurts. I know its your best friend and It sucks. But If Thats the girlfriend’s Hill to die you three Will Just keep hurting each other
Don’t ask your friend to choose. You’re not in highschool anymore. This never ends well and your friend is already caught in the middle enough.
I saw a comment that said you had a crush on your best friend. I think that matters and you should’ve said that. Anyway, if your best friends girlfriend knew that it makes sense that she doesn’t like you. I wouldn’t either if I was in her shoes. Anyway, if she doesn’t like you for any reason just hang out at different times.
I would do the same!
I would hate to see my girlfriend hanging out with her female bestfriend all the time , trust me.
And it’s not because i would hate them but because of my own insecurities and jealously of her getting attracted towards her bff and leaving me alone.
I believe she doesn’t despise you , she’s just acting upon her insecurities and jealously of losing her partner.
But i believe this problem can be solved with a proper discussion. I would like to suggest you to have a talk with her i mean with your bestfriend’s girlfriend ik it won’t be easy but i believe this is the only way to deal with this situation.
And as you said whether you should give your bestfriend an ultimatum to choose between you two then umm well , nvm.
Do you want them to choose you over their girlfriend? I mean if it was me i would always choose my girlfriend over my bestfriend regardless of their gender.
If you try and play the pick me game you’ll just be digging yourself into a deeper hole. Distance yourself and let your friend come to a decision on his own.
You had a crush on said best friend, even if it was in the past. so it’s your turn to give up it’s not your relationship anymore it’s theirs so go by their standards you have no word in any of this
Don’t hang with the friend duh
Uh no, you shouldn’t make an ultimatum, especially if you’re not prepared for her to choose her gf over you. You used to have feelings for her. There’s nothing odd about the gf having misgivings about you two being so close. You can’t change her feelings by proving her point and trying to force her to choose. Your best bet is to stop hanging out as a group and spend time with your friend alone when possible.
You’re disrespecting their relationship.
I would suggest starting with something like saying. “We both know she doesn’t like me for some reason. So going forward if we’re going to hang out, I don’t want her to be around. If that’s a problem we’re going to end up not spending time together at all. I’d prefer it didn’t come to that, but either we have to reconcile this conflict or you’re going to have to choose between me or her.”
Sounds like she is choosing her girlfriend if it’s been a thing.
Walk away. Your friend will either straighten out the situation or she won’t. Either way don’t make her choose just remove yourself from a toxic situation.
This is interesting because I am going through something similar except I am the GF in my story.
I found out that my BF and his female friend both had crushes on eachother and were kissing behind my back. Yes they were a hello goodbye peck on the lips but still it felt weird to find out it only happened a few times and never in front of my face. Also this female friend was heckeling my BF and I everytime we gave eachother a quick peck in public. Then she treid to kiss him in front if my face after making a huge scene in front of all of our friends.
I dont want my BF to be friends with her because she disrespected me and him as well as our relationship. Im old mid 40’s and know what I want in a relationship and I was not happy or comfortable with the two of them hanging out without one of the SO with them. Is this so wrong? They proved to me that they couldnt be trusted alone. I asked my BF to stop flirting with her and kissing her. I also asked him to never be alone with her because I dont trust her. I also decided but never said it aloud. If he chose the friendship over our relationship I was going to move on. Is that so wrong? Being friends with someone you have sexual feelings for and act on them in some way shape or form is toxic behavior in my opinion.
You should never ask someone to make a choice between you and someone else. It’s not right to do to that person. If you are truly her friend, then you shouldn’t put her in that situation. I understand the gf is terrible. But if she’s as bad as you say, then she could be horrible to your friend. When they break up, she is going to need you!
This isn’t an easy situation and it’s not easy to give you an answer. I don’t know if you have talked to the gf and tried to nicely tell her,”I don’t appreciate how you treat me and for the sake of our mutual friend/gf I would appreciate it if you stop. You don’t have to like me, but you can treat me with the respect any human being deserves”. Or has your friend confronted her gf? She definitely needs to. I wouldn’t let anyone I dated treat my friends with disrespect. It’s not ok.
I think this is a crappy situation and you are going to have to navigate it as different things come up. But, don’t ask your friend to pick… That’s not fair! She needs her friend!
My lord how old is everyone in this? Reads like a junior high kid
Looking at the ages here- I’d be chill and not press things. Chances are their relationship won’t last, and you don’t want either of them blaming you for it.
Her not being fond of her partner wanting to spend time with someone who has openly expressed romantic interest in their partner is understandable to a point. But she may be at least partially fueled by spite, and your continued efforts to get time in with your friend could be elongating it. May be worth taking some time for yourself and enjoy the other things out there until their relationship reaches the likely natural conclusion.
Ultimatums like this don’t work. Step back. Let your friend know you are there when they want to hang out but you don’t feel like you can be around their GF anymore. More than likely the relationship will fizzle out if the gf is this jealous. Don’t go out of your way for your friend during this time. You have no right to dictate your friend’s relationship. They have no right to make you be around someone toxic to you. And if your friend proceeds to hang out with you over their GF, gf will probably break up with her.