Just to preface: my family and I were 2nd and 3rd generation “born in” religious cult members who all left at the same time roughly 5 years ago. Since that time my brother and I have been on journeys trying to figure out what we believed and how we ought to live.
Unfortunately there seems to be alot of leftover residuals in our parents thinking which is not that surprising considering they were in it twice as long. The following will sound quite silly to some but this is purely an example and represents a much larger issue.
Basically in the cult it was a BIG no no to have long hair and facial hair. One of the ways my brother and I distanced ourselves was to grow our hair out. We had always wanted to and it really felt liberating. It seems so silly but it has caused such a rift in the family to the point that my mother told us that she doesn’t want to be seen in public with us. Especially if cult members were to see us together. Now mind you they both left as well. But see I think now after all this time that they never really left like we did. They pay lip service to both sides still.
She insists on randomly bringing it up constantly for years now.
I guess I am just looking for some broader perspective that we can both benefit from. I want to know how big of a deal I should make out of this? What else should I be on the look put for in my relationships that I may be doing as a result of being raised like this? It feels like every bit of help they offer could be turned into a covert contract to pull out when the need arises.
Thanks guys.
7 comments
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No long hair and no beard? I guess it’s not a Christian cult.
I would personally enforce boundaries and make it clear that I won’t tolerate them attempting to police my appearance or behavior to fit the cult. Defend yourself when they say things like that and simply leave if they won’t drop it.
If they’re really coming from a place of concern for your wellbeing, I would still have a conversation but if it’s just about cult behavior you left behind, I wouldn’t even entertain them.
Good luck! I hope you don’t have to cut contact to be happy.
My mom is also a little crazy unfortunately.
What eventually worked was setting boundaries. For example, if she brings up chem trails or the illuminati, I leave. After years of this she realized that if she starts down some weird rabbit trail I’m not going to argue, I’m just gonna end the visit. So far it’s worked out well.
First off, how important is it for you to be with your parents out in public ?
If it’s high and you want to stop this behavior, ask to have a sit down conversation with them. Share how it makes you feel and their response will dictate how you go forward.
If they still stand firm that they don’t want to be seen in public with your long hair so be it.
You can’t make people change but you also don’t have to be in situations constantly where you feel uncomfortable.
Their titles of parents don’t give them the right to make you feel uncomfortable for any reason.
I honestly think you should move away and become far more independent from your parents, maybe keep them low-contact. It’s likely you’re far from recovered and it’s gonna be a longer process and you’ll need to step out of that shadow to fully subconsciously feel safe enough to develop and learn your new selfchoosen identity(+quirks).
You should spend some time over at r/exmormon and ask that question. It’s a fascinating sub and you will not be short on answers from people who have had to deal with “still-in” parents and set boundaries on them. Truthfully…..go over there and ask your question. They are very welcoming and accepting of all. Especially survivors of high demand religion. A little lingo advice if you do – call yourself “Nevermo.” It means never a Mormon and they will embrace you with open arms. 250K subscribers over there.