Me \[22F\] and my boyfriend \[M27\] have been with each other going on five months now. We met online and hit it off very quickly. Within a month of us going out 1-2 times per week, he asked me out.
Everything has been going well for the most part, aside from both of us having some issues with personal anxieties that sometimes project into the relationship. We are also fairly co-dependent on each other, like see each other every damn day. I’d say within 2-3 months of us dating, he began to bring up talk of the possibility of having a kid with me, moving into his house once I graduate, and even getting married. He says he’s never met “anyone like me” before and seems extremely smitten.
I do love him, but sometimes feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I’m with him. It’s almost like I’m nervous of saying the wrong thing or disappointing him in some way since he holds me in such high regard. It feels hard to be *myself*. He’ll lash out with an attitude if things don’t go his way, especially if I make a decision that doesn’t fit his mood or goes against his wishes. Any time we’re at my place he acts super bored and barely makes conversation.
For example, I have a hard time saying no to sex. The other day we were at my apartment and I was not in the mood because I was feeling some anxiety. It was honestly the first time I turned him down (we usually have sex 2-3 times a day) and the rest of the night he was really quiet. I kept wanting to go to bed and cuddle because I wasn’t feeling great, but he kept insisting we stay on the couch. This bothered me, and I was also high, so things pretty much went silent. The morning after he immediately asked if it was him that caused my anxiety and then bombarded me with texts once he got to work about how he looks forward to our future togethor, how I’m the love of his life, etc. It just felt….off?
I guess there have been a few moments where I’ve wondered if he’s manipulating me a bit. A comment he made the other day prompted that feeling, which happened while we were talking about sex and he remarked how that was the best part of our relationship. For some reason it made me feel pretty bad, especially since his attitude towards the relationship seemed more mature than that.
He’s complimentative and loving, and I’ve enjoyed a great deal of our time togethor, but something just doesn’t feel natural and the things that didn’t bother me at first are starting to surmount. Is this normal in a new(ish) relationship as we’re still getting to know each other? I know no one can truly answer this question, but any advice would be much appreciated. TIA.
TL;DR:
Me [22F] and my boyfriend [27M] have been togethor for about five months now. Things have been going well, but he seems a little obsessed with rushing into parenthood and getting married. He made a comment about how sex is the best thing about our relationship, which caused me to question how genuine the relationship is. Feeling confused and maybe used?
14 comments
I’m not a big opponent of age-gap relationships but I do think there is something to the claim that you are at different life stages. In late 20s, people start to think about settling down. In early 20s, people are still figuring out who they are and what they want out of life.
I’ll just add that if you are feeling there is something “off” in the relationship, you have to listen to your instincts and honor them. You probably should think very seriously about ending this relationship and dating other people.
I know you two are only 5 years apart but in reality, he’s pushing 30 and wants to settle down. Meanwhile, you’ve only been allowed in bars for 1 year.
At your age, it’s perfectly acceptable to not want a child or get married yet. Don’t let him pressure you in to it. And I think he will because he sounds like a control freak.
Let’s dial back the word “manipulation” here, because I don’t think he’s in control of his emotions.
I’d prefer the words, “He’s behaving with a lack of maturity about how relationships work.” Or if you prefer, “He’s navigating like an idiot.” But it’s not malicious: it’s clearly that he doesn’t know how to relax and be himself in this situation. Or how to let you do that.
I’d talk to him about that. That talk will be awkward, because the more you tell him that his is an uncomfortable approach, the more he’s going to want to clutch and grab. He needs to outgrow that and get some confidence.
But really this is a prelude to you having the vocabulary to walk away. If he cannot course-correct, it’s bad for you. Your partner needs to be your best friend, and right now he isn’t someone to whom you can tell the harder truths. That’s essential if you want to have a kid with somebody.
Uh, I’m surprised the other comments are missing the very obvious red flags here. This is not an issue of life stages.
You are walking on eggshells because he lashes out when you don’t do what he wants. He stonewalls you when you turn him down for sex one time out of 3 times a day every day. He bombards you with confusing texts that oscillate between guilt and extreme adoration.
He is love-bombing you. The other side of the coin of all this big talk about marriage and babies is his temper; he’s reeling you in and trying to lock you down quickly because he can’t keep the good guy mask on forever. It’s already slipping in these moments when you say no to him.
This feeling of things not being right is your gut telling you that there’s something insidious underneath his behavior. PLEASE listen to that. As women we are so conditioned to brush off warning signs like this, and the longer you’re with someone the more normalized their behavior becomes. From the outside no, this is not normal or healthy behavior.
I might recommend The Gift of Fear. It addresses what I’m saying about listening when your gut is screaming at you that something is off.
Trust your instincts. If you’re feeling like you can’t be yourself around him and are worried about his reactions those are two giant red flags.
You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t cause you to feel this way.
It’s not okay for someone to make you feel bad about yourself in a relationship. Relationships are supposed to be fun, happy, mutually respectful and supportive.
You deserve to be loved by someone who values you for who you are.
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I would go with your gut instinct that something is off. Sometimes we don’t have the exact words, but we very well know that something isn’t right. You don’t need to wait until you have the right words. You can just follow your intuition and do what feels as the right choice for you.
He’s a man baby. LEAVE HIMMM🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
Oh man, I’m really weirded out that only one comment here is talking about how this man is love bombing you. This isn’t normal. At this point of the relationship it’s the honeymoon phase, you should be out being gross and cute and in love not having anxiety about how he’s lashing out at you because you aren’t the “perfect woman” he wants you to be.
The reason why none of his relationships last past 5 months is the same reason why you’re posting here; the good guy mask he has starts to drop! Those past partners probably had the same feelings you did right now: something is off!! You need to reflect and take space from the relationship before you end up “accidentally” pregnant
If you feel like you can’t be yourself, you’re not with the right partner. I promise you there is someone out there that you can be yourself around and not feel like you’re walking on egg shells.
Sorry OP, I know you really like each other bit it sounds like you’re incompatible and the hot and cold nature of his affection will be exhausting the more it goes on.
TBH it sounds as if he may be a Narcissist. He certainly displays many behaviours of N.
Do NOT move in with him and as for having a child together after 2-3 months? Hell, no. Study up on Narcissism (good YT channels – one i like is Surviving Narcissism with this lovey old guy who has a heck of a lot of expertise).
If you end up realiseing he IS a N, then get out as fast as you can as they tend to get worse with age, and there is pretty much no cure for it.
It’s love bombing. Which is a trait of a narcissist. If he is a narcissist, breaking up may feel difficult but you’ll benefit greatly from it.
If you think something is off, it probably is. Trust your instincts. Something is off with this relationship, it’s too fast too quick, it seems like there’s some serious issues under the surface being covered up by love-bombing…
I’d either be walking away rn or at the minimum play things very cautiously.
He’s gas lighting you. Telling you one thing, while his actions scream otherwise. His actions don’t align with his words, you’ve noticed the inconsistency, so things of course feel off to you. I wouldn’t continue in this relationship. It’s not healthy.