myself (F19) and my bf (M20) have been together for almost three years.
I’ve never been more emotionally conflicted, my mental slope started when I started having second thoughts about us, I feel so guilty 🙁
I feel like it’s not working. He’s a very introverted, sensitive and shy guy, we feel platonic at best most days. Some days it’s ages to get many words out of him. We have no sexual or intimate relationship.
Because of a bad experience he had he finds it hard, which I understood and he said he needed time. It’s been around 7/8 months since that conversation and we haven’t made any progress.
He has mood swings and gets easily overwhelmed when we try to go on dates or days out, which usually means the day ends up being more stressful than fun.
We have so many nice days, and he can be loving, but that’s it, just nice days. I’ve been ready for a deeper and more meaningful connection for a long time now, and despite communicating this my needs just aren’t being met. It’s been almost three years and I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending:(
I keep asking myself if I still love him and do I really want to break up or just wait longer or have another talk about it but I truly don’t
know.
I don’t want to make any big decisions while I’m in this mindset, yet the more I stay I feel so guilty pretending everything is okay while I’m having second thoughts. The worst part is it’s not his fault and what he wants is totally valid, it just feels like we’re not compatible at this point.
We live together with two other housemates which makes things more complicated and just adds to the guilt in feeling. I’ve mentally never been worse and really need advice:(
tl;dr: I feel as if things aren’t working out but don’t want to make any big decisions while I’m so emotionally conflicted and confused, but also feel guilty for not being honest. In need of advice.
7 comments
So it’s been pretty bad the majority of those 3 years? Yeah, I’d nope out too. You should be able to have dates and discussions. That’s like the meat of a relationship.
You like him a lot, but you don’t want to be his crutch. That’s pretty valid. If it just doesn’t improve, then it might be better for him to be single. It propably stresses him out too, that he can’t be for you what you want him to be. Maybe a better approach is to say, that he’s just not your type and that is okay. You both might like each other, but in a relationship it just doesn’t work. Compared to that, being just friends might do both of you good. Your bf shouldn’t feel forced to do things and you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting more.
I guess the living situation would make the breakup difficult. You’ll have to work that out as a team one last time. And don’t blame each other or yourselves. Both of you tried and both of you have surely grown during this time. Maybe being single gives your bf a chance to find himself and what he wants from life. Maybe he needs that, maybe not. Who knows. I’d say it’s time to find out, but then again, I only know a little of the whole story. But you seem like you want to get out of this situation that is just bad for everyone, so i tried to give pointers on how to make the breakup a step in a better direction.
If your emotional state is due to some outside factor (ex. Grief, stress at work/school, family issues, etc.) then I would agree it’s usually not a good idea to make big moves when you’re feeling that way. But it sounds like it’s you being unhappy in your relationship that’s causing you to feel this way. If that’s the case, how would you ever be in a “good” spot to make this decision? If you feel like you can’t end the relationship because you’re unhappy but staying in the relationship is making you unhappy.
I also dated my high school boyfriend for a few years after high school. It’s scary to end your first serious relationship, especially when you went through this big right of passage of entering adulthood together. It’s like jumping into the unknown, unsure if it’s the right choice, not knowing how you’ll feel afterward, maybe guilty about possibly hurting him. For me, the idea of giving up on that relationship felt like a failure for some reason. I worried that people would judge me or think less of me. In hindsight I see how ridiculous that was. In reality, after that relationship ended, I felt relieved.
It seems like you might be putting rules on yourself about if/when you can end this relationship, and I get that. It would be great if there was some logical criteria you could look for or boxes you could check and be like “ok, I can end this now and know it was the right choice.” But there isn’t, and you’re making yourself miserable by trying to find it. You seem like a smart young woman with a mature view of relationships and who knows what she wants out of one. Trust yourself enough to make a decision, even if it’s scary.
Dump him and move out. You’re too young to waste time on this terrible relationship OP.
Seems like it’s as you said: it’s not working out. If no progress has been made and he is unwilling to try something new to make progress (assuming you’ve asked him to) it’s likely time to move on. This isn’t a relationship that would be very strong on the best of days and if resentment creeps in it’s really going to be bad. Best to cut load and move on.
There’s already plenty of good advice here.
I was going to say make sure you have given every chance you’re willing to give. At least give him the chance to have one more try. If it’s not good enough then it’s not good enough. At least he had the chance to try and make a difference. Maybe the thought of losing you for real this time might have him thinking out of the box. I had someone who was in your mindset and just turned around broke up with me without given me a chance to change things. Six months later she gave me that chance and she completely regret the way she broke up with me and wished she didn’t (as a lot happened in that six months). However even if he does pull through, it’s all about consistency and it’ll have to be like that moving forward.
You both sound like lovely, caring people but you need to remember: you have one life. Don’t waste it trying to make someone happy.
You can’t refill a cup if yours is empty too.
Unfortunately, it seems that you both have reached the end of your relationship as lovers, but you can still remain friends (once properly processed the separation). It’s ok that things end and it’s ok that it’s sad, but you deserve passion. Go find it.