Hey,
Me (27F) and my boyfriend (26M) have a hard time understanding each other.
There are times when I say something, I expose something from the exterior that bothers me and he answers kinda rude to me, showing no interest, saying that I start again to complain about things. This is an issue of mine, I could understand, but it will not be solved if only I wouldn t complain anymore cause he says it to me so rude.
Then, I tell him I didn t like the attitude, I need him to show me patience and love and understanding about that damn thing and maybe I sound a little pushy but I do this because he doesn’t pay attention and says to me that he doesn’t know what to say to me.. He has the opinion that I overreact and that I should move on cause he didnt do something so wrong to me, why the fuck am I so sensitive (regarding the fact that he answered rude to me) ? He brings the argument that in the past he has passed over my overreactions and that I should as well pass over the fact that soemthing bothers me on his attitude.
He has the attitude that is normal stuff, that we don t have what to discuss about cause these are aberrations and small stuff, not like cheating for example which would be worse.
Generally we get along very well, although sometimes I have the feeling that we are more like brothers cause we don t kiss daily or have romanting moments so often.. We re more like a couple who survive together, not live like in the first months…
If I ll tell him that I think maybe he doesn’t love me anymore, he s just attached and that s why we have issues, he says that that’s not true, cause he loves me, he is there doing nothing wrong to me, it’s ME that always has something to comment and say and that because of that the relationship doesn t work.
I also have some problems of anxiety since the pandemic and because of the fact that I quit my job to do music, cause its difficult to make it in this industry and it’s normal to feel this way sometimes..
He thinks that the cause for all of these is my anxiety, and I think that he just look for a backup to make me feel it’s something wrong with me and my feelings can’t be validated if I know myself having issues….
We have also the strange situation in which we are doing both the same thing, trying to make music to earn money. I am more dependent on him with this cause he s more advanced than me and produces the songs that we write together. I gave up on my previous job in advertising to make music with him cause I was also dreaming to try this as long as I am still young and now is the time to try. So I feel very dependant on him.
Please help me, what should I do regarding this situation? You wouldn t say we have problems, cause he s pacifist, he doesn t bother me with anything, it’s just me who constantly thinks it’s something wtong and I say to him more often that something bothers me… I wouldn t have a problem telling him what I like and what I don’t, but I would expect him to be nice and try to make things work, not telling me to stop commenting cause those are not important stuff…
TLDR: my boyfriend doesn t understand my feelings
6 comments
He understands, he’s just playing dumb and disrespecting them. Try to find a new job or get support from family or friends and get prepared to exit the relationship. You are not supposed to have to beg or teach your partner to listen or not be mean to you when you express concerns.
>If I ll tell him that I think maybe he doesn’t love me anymore, he s just attached and that s why we have issues, he says that that’s not true, cause he loves me, he is there doing nothing wrong to me, it’s ME that always has something to comment and say and that because of that the relationship doesn t work.
Could you give some examples of things you’re bothered about and trying to talk to him about?
Is English your first language? Your use of language is, at times, pretty confusing and I’m wondering if that’s contributing to the issue
If you are still young but you feel like an old grumpy married couple, maybe it’s not the right relationship.
One thing stood out is you telling him he doesn’t love you. No productive conversation starts with telling the other person how they feel. You can speak to your emotions and his actions, but anytime you want to address a persons inner life, it should probably be “When you do (this thing) , I feel like (you don’t care)”
I also hate people that complain but do nothing about it. If you can’t sleep, try doing something different, like look for a new bedframe, mattress, take supplements, etc. You can talk about the problem and a solution, and request help for a solution, at the same time. Which is much easier for someone to work with than a statement of frustration or dissatisfaction.
But at the end of the day, you want a partner who is considerate of your feelings, that listens rather than dismisses you, and who is romantic.
Don’t expect to change him. Assume he’s like this for the next ten years. Do you want to stick around?
You don’t have to make the decision now, but maybe pick up a new job that doesn’t rely on him. Make sure you take responsibility for your needs. It sucks if your dream is to make music and you need to go work in a restaurant, but it is also your dream to have a loving partner and you might not find that with this guy.
He might be on the spectrum. I had experienced similar things with my ex of 4 years. It was the most difficult relationship I’ve ever had
It sounds like you are seeking empathy from him and he is not responding with empathy, but rather telling you that you complain too much and to get over it. I would feel very upset if my partner dismissed me like this. I would maybe try to explain to him that when you complain about something, you want empathy from him, even if he can’t fix the issue. And if you do want help to fix an issue, let him know that so you can work on it together ( instead of you vs him, think of it as both of you vs the problem).