Reason for the question: I feel it is still ‘weird’ for men to show emotion as women do, and if they do, they’re seen as weak. And I hate it. I know, we are literally programmed differently over centuries but I’ve noticed from my ex boyfriend, the lack of empathy and actual support for men causes big issues within them. It was always a big topic and passion of his and has become mine.
You are taught to suppress your emotions. Get on with it. Just broke up with your girlfriend? Ah, you’ll be alright mate. Let’s go to the pub every weekend where all your problems won’t be helped.
Edit- gosh! Didn’t expect it to blow up like this haha. I won’t edit my original text so for clarity, I didn’t mean for men to show emotion in the exact same way women do, that’ll never happen. And we are not meant to be the same. I’m very much someone who believes we should embrace our differences. I wrote this because I know a lot of men WANT the stigma of not being able to show emotion as they’re seen weak for doing so to change. A lot of you here have been hurt, and it really shows. Maybe just letting your friend, partner, Dad, brother just know you’re there is enough help. I’ve struggled to read them all but thank you for your discussions and taking the time to reply. Have a good day 🙂
33 comments
Ask how they feel and use active listening
Oh come of your high horse, books and books and complete series are written on this subject.
We (re)act different with way less emotion. ‘Helping us change’ is nothing more than forcing us in your ideal ……
Women on the whole need to be more accepting of it. Many women claim they’re open to talking about a guy’s feelings, then bail when he actually does. It teaches men not to trust those conversations with women.
Men are perfectly comfortable expression our emotions. We just don’t want to express our emotions like women do, because we’re not women. History is full of many wondrous works of art that were acts of men expressing their emotions.
I really wish women would stop lording their tendencies over us like it’s the only – and proper – way to be.
Change their biology to not be unattracted to men who show weakness.
It’s a trap
Well for me while I was learning to express my emotions it helped that my girlfriend at the time was supportive of me expressing my emotions. And she took great care to ensure that with her was a safe space for that. She accepted what I had to say or express and never patronized me for doing so and never made me feel like a child or a bad guy. When learning to express your emotions sometimes weird things come out while you’re still getting the hang of it. And she just accepted what I had to say and gave me the space for it and thanked me for expressing my feelings and asked if there was anything she could do. Often my answer was no, I just needed to get it out and it helped that she just let me do that and then thanked me for doing so. Positive reinforcement is a helpful thing. I’m also very thankful that she didn’t treat me like a kid when I did so.
Something like that cannot be desconstructed overnight but It does start with you. You can become that person and pass the lessons onto your children etc. Just listen, support and don’t try to make it about you. That’s all Men are asking for. Respect.
Women should stop weaponizing information given to them when a man decides to be vulnerable. Invariably, emotionally open guys with girlfriends or female “friends” wind up telling these women a secret or something confidential, and invariably the woman uses it in an argument or as blackmail.
Even for gay men, this is a problem. My gay friend told a girl in our friend group about literal life-altering trauma he had experienced, and three months later she got drunk and threatened to “tell everyone his secret.”
You want male emotions? Stop using them against us.
Because women get empathy and compassion for it and men get repulsion and loathing, especially from women we are in relationships with.
Just depends on how you react. For me I give you ONE CHANCE. I open up and if I dont like your reaction to me opening up its gonna be a hard time to open that again.
I dont like sharing my feelings in general that’s due to how I grew up and I’m working on it with my current partner but my current partner is always willing to talk to me about whatever I’m going through and vice versa
Assure him that you won’t be totally grossed out, defensive and make it all about you when he actually does. I firmly believe most women are more into the idea of men being emotional, open and vulnerable than they are the realities of a man actually being those things.
Create an environment of psychological safety by:
1) not judging him when he does open up
2) not making the situation worse by getting stressed or upset about what he shared
3) don’t offer solutions unless asked. This is usually framed as a uniquely guy thing, but in my experience a lot of women start giving “advice” to me when I open up and this advice is often thinly veiled criticism.
4) don’t use the material he shares with you later in fights or arguments.
To get him to open up in the first place? That’s hard. Like someone else mentioned, the guy has to be willing to do that on his own. If he does, then first follow the points above. Next, show empathy. Little things like “wow that sucks”, “that person is such a jerk”, or rubbing his shoulders in sympathy go along way. Over time he should start to see that it’s you two against the world and that you’re a safe person to open up to.
Do your best to understand what the guy is saying without putting your own spin on it. Oftentimes I’ve told someone how I felt and they’d respond with “Okay so you think x”, where x is completely not what I’m feeling but instead it’s a drastic over exaggeration or a bad presumption. I understand the train of thought of what led to their conclusion, but it’s often very wrong. Also, don’t insist you know their feelings better than they do and don’t berate them for expression.
Stop using our vulnerabilities as ammunition in arguments.
I have an easy quick guide:
1 Dont be an asshole.
2 Learn to shut the fuck up. Be trustworthy. If you are going around telling our shit to your shitty friends or use our feelings, traumas, against us, then dont get surprised when your partner doesnt even want to look you in the eyes, i dont even know why they didnt dump you.
3 Learn to not compete with ours feelings, be fucking mature. So many women have always something to say to our problems or feelings, this is not a fucking battle, its someone opening to you.
The problem is that you’re looking at this from the perspective of a woman who doesn’t understand men and their emotions. It SHOULD be weird if a man expresses his emotions the same way a woman does, and no woman actually wants that. Honestly the more women stay out of trying to control men’s emotions, the better we all will be.
Stop shaming, abandoning and mocking us when we do, that’d make a fine start. Also what Tathanor said. That’s a biggie.
Step 1: Actually & actively listen
Step 2: Whatever a guy tells you when he actually does open up, it is NOT to be weaponised ANY time.
Step 3: It is also NOT to be shared with your girls or ANYONE for that matter without his explicit consent. An exception could be made for your therapist I guess.
Step 4: It’s NOT a contest, you are NOT supposed to answer with something like “Yeah I totally get that, it happened to me too and even worse, for example…”
Step 5: At least be honest. If you “want” us to open up and tell you bout how we feel, we assume you are talking bout ALL of them, not just happiness and anger. If you can’t deal with us having a mental breakdown from being overwhelmed by all that stuff we had to keep bottled up our entire life, don’t ask us to open up about it.
Step 6: Happens way too often that women want their men to open up etc, then when he does, they suddenly lose attraction. I guess it would also help if that wasn’t such a super common thing.
Yeah, guess that’s enough to get started?
Hope you don’t mind me copy-pasting an answer I’ve written before (modified slightly). Your kind of question isn’t uncommon around here, but feel free to ask for any clarification.
…
• **Gossiping**. Don’t do that. It doesn’t matter who you are gossiping about, who you are gossiping with or what you are gossiping about. If you are gossiping and a guy is within earshot, what might happen is that he thinks “if this is how she talks about other people, what does she say about me when I’m not around?”
• **Don’t punish him if he does open up**. This particular flavour of question is not uncommon and I find myself repeating this point in particular because me just saying it doesn’t do it justice.
A lot of men’s reluctance to open up isn’t just societal programming, it’s a result of learned experience. Surf this subreddit for questions about men opening up; you will find no shortage of men talking about how the very thing they opened up about *was trivialised*, *was used against them in later arguments*, *was used to emasculate them*, *was the cause/start of their partner’s loss of attraction for them*, *was the reason they were dumped*, ad nauseum. You’ll find a whole host of things **not** to do.
Now, in the case of a partner, things like loss of attraction can’t really be helped since that’s more of a subconscious thing. But even still, it’s a harrowing reality for a lot of men; we do want to know that we are attractive to our partners. I’m aware that being able to open up is a good thing for those who need to, but think about it like this; how do you incentivise a man to do something (eventually beneficial) that has historically immediately punished him?
• **Affection**. In contrast to the above point, if he does open up, be sure to show him the affection you have always shown him in the relationship (maybe more depending on how much he might need it). Something as small as hugging him or embracing him as he’s talking or as he’s finished talking. Don’t go as far as to coddle him like a child, mind, but just be consistent with that in particular. Something like positive reinforcement.
• **Pressure**. The very first part, because I say all the above, but it is still up to a guy to come to you to open up if he wants to; do not pressure him to open up. Not all men need to or want to; many men just need the space to figure things out alone, or a distraction, or whatever else.
All you need to do here, whenever you see him looking a bit down, is ask him if he’s good. You can ask an “are you sure?” if you aren’t too convinced by his first answer, but whatever the response, just tell him that he can approach you whenever he needs to and that you’ll be there with open ears, then just leave it at that. It is his choice at the end of the day.
…
Just to be clear and reiterate; it is on any man to open up of his own accord, so don’t put any unnecessary pressure on yourself to try and get the men around you to do so. Also be wary of things like trauma-dumping. Appreciate you looking out for your fellow men 🙂
Never ever ever call his masculinity into question. The first time you do, you only have yourself to blame when he never allows himself to show vulnerability ever again.
I did this. Didn’t end well
Our dads stop hugging us some time in elementary or middle school.
Yoi say you want to see emotions, but I am 100% sure if your BF would talk to you about his most inner thoughts and fears, that you would judge him and will not see him in the same light anymore.
I am talking about valid emotions and thoughts, not some psycho, sadistic and sickening bullshit.
Men learned early on not to ever open up 100%. It will blow up in our faces. I speak from experience, and I can tell you, when a girl says what you posted, she does not mean it.
I made a mistake and trusted her, after she was pushing and pushing. Long story short, I shared with her small tidbits about my childhood, growing up in alcoholic home and small tidbits from my infantry days, the culmination of them, causing PTSD.
It did not end well, she broke up with me shortly after, but first she cheated on me with her best friend.
She is not the first one who pressed like this.
Three times it happened.
Once, or twice, it is a coincidence. Three times, it shows a petern on the behalf of what women say and what not to believe and you better trust the pattern.
This puts me in a tough spot…
The reason men are considered weak if they show emotions the way women do is because it is. Let me explain.
Being mindful of our emotions and FEELING our emotions requires courage and strength. Those are qualities that men value. However, SHOWING emotions like women do is equivalent to those emotions dominating you – and that is weak. That is not to say men shouldn’t cry. I once had a breakup where during work I had to sneak away to the bathroom to cry because it was so overwhelming. And I’m glad I went through those emotions and let them out. Keeping the heart open during those times is a sign of courage and strength. But I didn’t share these moments of weakness.
Jordon Peterson actually made a good distinction. It’s desirable to show vulnerability. It’s not desirable to show weakness. And that actually is dictated by what women want. Women don’t want a man that’s weak. Even if they say they do.
I’m always very open and I share a lot because we are all in this together and to me that is not weak. Oftentimes, it’s not even vulnerable. But I’m very cautious who I share my weak moments with. The moments when the feelings are overwhelming.
Comfortable? It’s not about comfort, it’s about a lifetime of experiences that have taught us that showing any vulnerability or weakness results in only two outcomes. Either that person will use that weakness against you in the future, or that person will no longer see you as someone who can meet their needs and they will abandon you.
These days the only times I let myself be emotional is when I’m reading a book or watching a movie, because I can emotionally interact with these fictional characters because they have no way to weaponize my emotions against me. Kudos to my therapist for teaching me that.
You’re right to a degree. It’s partly that we don’t express or manage them the way women do. It’s partly a cultural drive to idealize stoicism or always being positive. And it’s partly painful life experience.
Since men don’t often open up, it tends to be far more meaningful to us when we choose to. And it’s a far more painful a breach of trust when that is weaponized against us or our partner’s suddenly lose interest or respect. I’m not even talking about having a big, explosive venting of all our issues and pains… just a modicum of trust and belief that we might get support and an admission of some pain or insecurity.
In my life I’ve had women use things I’ve told them to attempt to cause pain when they’re upset about something. I’ve had them share what I felt were secrets with their friends. And I’ve had them 180 from being trusting me and admiring what I’ve accomplished in my life to being condescending, arguing with me about my fields of expertise, and shortly there after breaking off the relationship.
That last one did some serious damage because she really worked at me to get me to open up about my experiences as a soldier. To “be human” with her. Stop telling jokes and show her me. I started, despite my past experiences, to believe her. And eventually opened up to admit some of the things I struggled with. Not in a big weepy event, but just admitting I struggled sometimes.
Turns out her protestations that it would bring us closer and that I could place my faith in her were… inaccurate. I genuinely think she was driven to have something I wouldn’t give and hadn’t really thought about how it would affect her. She wanted to see behind the curtain and the act of the unshaken, unshakeable man and was somehow disappointed to find an ordinary man who’s done some interesting things.
We weren’t together long after that before things broke off. I locked up tighter than fort knox and am still recovering.
My advice to women everywhere is that if you think you want your man to open up to you and show you his emotional side, take a good hard look at yourself first. Ask yourself, genuinely, if you’ll still admire and respect your man when you find out he’s got as many flaws and insecurities as anybody else. If you have the slightest doubt… the slightest suspicion that maybe you might think him weak… Stop asking. Stop pressing him. And just give him a hug sometimes for no reason. That’s enough for most of us. We don’t need to put everything out there.
No laughing or seeing us as weak when we do it, is the way to do it
Not judging us, I think. I haven’t had a single woman I shared my depression with that didn’t lose respect for me in some way.
Edit: word
Remember when Jordan Peterson started getting emotional and cried during a passionate interview and speech? Remember how he was ridiculed, no by men, but by women? Yeah, stop doing that and we’ll consider it.
Women say they want that. Then they get it and are disgusted by it.
For every one that tries to encourage it there are a dozen waiting to weaponize it.
Just listen, don’t judge. It’s hard not to, because even unconsciously you will feel that way, but if you care you will realize how to avoid it.
You’ll get different answers from different men. I would say just ask that specific person.
Between some of my male friends there are a few different methods.
For L, it’s having a couple beer and maybe going fishing and just sitting in silence. Just being there and not forcing him to talk about it.
For N it’s being a sounding board and replying with open ended questions to let him explore his own emotions.
For A it’s doing stuff that’s more active and involved to give him a break from the thoughts in his head.
For me it’s space.
Everyone processes emotions differently and needs different things during that journey. If you just ask I’m sure they’ll tell you. Listen to what they say cause either it’s what they genuinely want/need or maybe it’s a nom-answer cause they’re not ready to open up yet.