I am a 18 year old female. I was a late bloomer to sex and relationships so my first time really dealing with a man sexually/romantically was a year ago. I dated a guy for some months and we had sex . He was my firsts for a lot of things but we never officially got into a relationship and he just strung me along. I basically became super attached to him and fell in “love”
He always treated me pretty poorly and was never consistent but I craved his love and attention soo much. We had a toxic situation as he’d often try to control me and my dating. I felt like I liked his possessiveness.
He ended up being off and on with his gf and ghosted me before getting with his girlfriend a weekend after we had last had sex around Valentine’s Day.
I agreed to be his friend because I still wanted to be in his life. Eventually he started cheating on his gf with me. It became an on and off thing between me and him where we getting into arguments or he’d be sneaking and we’d end up blocking each other then eventually unblocking each other and having sex and being toxic (even though he was with his girlfriend through all of this)
Eventually I moved away, and we had no contact for a while. I have not dated any one since I met him (so over a year) and the thought of other guys makes me anxious. I really want companionship and intimacy/sex but the only thing my mind goes back to is him. I literally think of him every single day without talking to him or seeing him if anything. Even though I hate him.
My life has been boring and my “ love life” is dead and idk if it can be revived.
My ex recently moved to somewhere close to me. Should I talk to him again? Talking to him is exciting, and when we were going “steady” I was genuinely happy. Something I hadn’t been even before him. I feel like I just want that back.
What should I do?
Tl;dr: missed my ex badly. Have no other options. Really want to talk to him but not sure if that is best.
6 comments
Why would you talk to someone you hate?
>Have no other options
Aheh- yeah you do. Alone is better than being in awful company.
Having sex at 17 is not a late bloomer.
Knowingly cheating on his gf with his is unkind and selfish.
You are 18, not 80. Your dating life has just begun.
Should you start talking to someone who treats you badly? No. Have some self respect. He cheated on his gf with you. Why do you think he will treat you differently.
Take this time to evaluate whats important and how you want to be treated as well as to how you think you should treat others
Honestly girl, I feel you on that sometimes it gets lonely and you want companionship; I’m 20, I understand… but don’t go back to a terrible situation just because you want somebody to fill the void. You deserve better you understand and you recognize that he has strung you along in the past, you recognize that the ex girlfriend is still involved with his guy, & you are as well, that means you’re both being played. and you’re fine with that? want better for yourself; it’s OK to be alone, being alone does not mean you’re lonely. Wouldn’t you much rather wait for someone who values and respects you, over someone who just wants to use you because you’re accessible? Having someone there just because it’s quick and easy in the moment isn’t always the best thing for you because you lose a lot of your self-respect and so will he.
based on your responses you’re looking for validation to continue seeing him..
by all means keep doing that but I can tell you that its never going to be endgame. I have a similar story to you – aside from the cheating – i met a guy in highschool he was my first and he treated me horribly but when we were together it felt good so I would justify it. I finally realized at 20 that I deserve someone who chooses me and only me, who i dont have to wonder if theyre gonna show up or ghost me, and sex ≠ love. It may take you coming to your own senses but I feel so free now that I’ve let it go after dealing with it from ages 17-20. Of course he unblocks you because he knows youre available. Do you really want to be an afterthought? My serious advice to you is to stop contact with him and focus on yourself or finding something you love to do outside of a person. Then you will realize what love really looks like. Good luck.
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edit: Im 21 now. After cutting it off Ive discovered so much about myself that I now know temporary and weak companionship isnt what I deserve. The only way you will realize this is on your own.
I was in an incredibly similar situation, and as much as it sucks to hear, any relationship you have with him is likely to be toxic to you, and you’re better off not interacting with him at all.
When I was 19, I had a lot of firsts with this guy (we’ll call him Will) who was 25. The age gap wouldn’t have been a big deal if it didn’t include a VAST experience gap, and thus, power imbalance because it was easier for him to manipulate me.
He would always tell me how much he liked me (and I was just in love with him, so that was what I wanted to hear), but he always had various excuses as to why we couldn’t actually be together. He didn’t want people thinking he was taking advantage of me (hindsight red flag: he was). He didn’t want our coworkers to find out (oh yeah, did I mention we met working together?). And the best one: he had a maybe baby on the way. With his ex-fiancé.
Three days after he took my virginity, he broke it off with no explanation. The next day I find out it’s because the baby has been born and it’s definitely his. We remained friends for a couple months which eventually turned back into us fooling around. He insisted he hated his baby mama and only put up with her for the sake of his son and all this shit.
Eventually, when the kid was 10 months old, I befriended another guy who I started being interested in. Will realized pretty quickly that he was losing hold of me, so only then did he start making an effort. I still chose this other guy. Will didn’t want to be friends for a little after, which killed me, but eventually we got on speaking terms and had a fractured friendship for a short period of time.
And then 6 months later he texts me overnight out of the blue saying he’s sure I’m happy with my guy but he misses me and feels like we never really got a chance blah blah blah. I shut him down. 2 months later he was engaged to his baby mama. It’s now about 7 years later and they’re married with at least one other kid.
My relationship with the other guy blew up, partially because I had a lot of unresolved feelings from Will. It took me a few years to want to have sex with anyone but him, to stop having feelings for him, and to be able to recognize how badly he treated me. I’m 27 now. When I was 25-26, I sat back and thought about how I was the age ‘now’ that he was, and I couldn’t fathom treating someone like he did. I’ve also realized that the sex with him was always AWFUL because he literally only cared about getting his. I’ve had *much* better sex since then, including that with a lot of emotional intimacy that I never had with Will. It can and will happen again for you.
He’s shown you over and over what kind of guy he is. And letting him back in your life isn’t going to give you the space you need to untangle the feelings you have for him from the reality of how he mistreats the people he ‘cares’ about. It’s much easier said than done, but let him go and move on. You can and will find someone you connect with who actually cares about you. You’ll find someone who will have awesome sex with you. It takes time, but one day you’ll be able to look back and see how toxic the situation was for you.