Hi, I’m a \[16F\] and my boyfriend is a \[16M\] and recently I’ve been very lost on some things and some guidance would be tremendously helpful.
Whenever I’ve been romantically interested in someone it’s usually been coupled with a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest, while I am currently feeling that now with my boyfriend- around a month ago I had a few weeks where that feeling completely diminished and I felt nothing. I still loved my boyfriend and wanted to love him but I was worried in that moment I was lying to him and didn’t actually love him only because this physical feeling / warmth in my chest I had was gone. I want to create a connection with him that’s beyond a feeling, something I can truly rely on when / if that feeling disappears again.
After this and the absolute dread and anxiety that came with it and the fear of me ‘falling out of love’ (to the point I felt like I couldn’t eat or sleep properly) I googled and searched about things relentlessly and learned more about immature and mature love, if this feeling disappears again would it be us moving into a more stable ‘mature love’ stage? like after this so called ‘honeymoon phase’ stops and you start seeing things without rose colored glasses? I heard from many people love is a choice- not a feeling. That in some cases at first infatuation draws people together then they bond even more once together and that creates ‘true love’.
We’ve been seeing eachother for about 5 months now and have almost known eachother for a year but I genuinely want a future with him even if that’s stupid to be saying in highschool. He means so much to me and never fails to make me smile and we both communicate well, I always want to make him happy and this is the first relationship I’ve felt this cared for and loved and I feel like we both lift eachother up and work amazingly together as a team. I don’t want to leave that behind, I don’t want to leave HIM behind because he’s genuinely so special to me. So how do I create something that goes beyond a feeling? My mind has been so programmed to think love is a physical feeling, something that is connected to your chest- but I want to break out of that and have my feelings validated without a feeling in my chest.
Any advice would help, I’ve been trying to navigate this ever since those weeks I had about a month ago. I just want my brain to be at ease and I want to know that love goes past a physical feeling / spark in your chest and how you can cultivate that type of compassionate love that goes past a feeling.
TLDR: I’ve always connected love to being a warm feeling I have in my chest but with this relationship I don’t want to just rely on that and cultivate something that’s far beyond a physical feeling- any advice? aka how can I validate my feelings for him minus a physical feeling.
3 comments
Love is work. Love is putting in and getting out. The feeling in your chest is the honeymoon phase, and it’ll come back once in a while. You’ll go on a cute date or get some roses and your chest will swell up with that feeling again. But if you truly want to be with this person, the most important thing is to cultivate mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and healthy communication habits.
Think about the neurochemistry at play. For every “rush” that you can feel – you need a recovery period. You can’t be in a constant state of having your brain flooded with infatuation chemicals. Your body/brain eventually needs to produce more of those neurotransmitters & hormones for you to have another “rush”.
The infatuation/honeymoon period exists in order to make two people spend a bunch of time together and engage in “bonding behaviors” – which creates deeper attachment through the release of oxytocin during those activities. Once that period is over, a relationship transitions into something that is “deeper” and more long-term sustainable (where you can actually get sleep and focus on school/work and remember to eat and stuff).
Lovey-dovey feelings don’t disappear forever though – it comes in waves. They just aren’t constantly flooding your system *all* the time.
>I genuinely want a future with him
There you go. That’s all you need for a relationship.