Tl;;Dr. Partner and I are both 25. I want kids in 4 years, he wants kids in 8 years but would be willing to go to 5. I don’t trust that in 5 years, he’s going to be truly ready.
Looking for advice from women who’ve been through wanting baby earlier than their partner.
Me (25F) and my partner (25M) have a good relationship and have been together for a while. At this age, I’m pretty confident I want to have kids at 30. He says his ideal age is 34, but might be willing to go to 31.
It seems like a small age difference, but I kind of feel like, he’s pretty sure he’ll be ready at 34, and he’s not as sure he’ll be ready at 31. I think his honest answer is 34, for totally valid reasons of career and life stability. I just don’t know if I can wait that long, and I’m pretty sure he’s saying 31 just to appease me.
For other birthing parents who’ve been through a relationship with this situation, did you wait, did you not? What happened?
4 comments
I think what matters here is making sure you know WHY he thinks 30/31 is ideal. That is really the thing that matters WAY MORE than the actual age you decide to get pregnant.
If he thinks you’ll be more financially capable at that point, ask him specifically what that looks like. What amount in savings? What home ownership situation? Ask him for specifics.
If he thinks he’ll personally be more emotionally/mentally ready, ask him what that looks like, too. Like he gets over a specific issue in therapy? Or has a better temper? How would he know he’s reached that point? what does it look like to be “ready” for a kid?
Basically, ya’ll need to stop having a conversation about timing and start having the deeper conversation about readiness. If he can give you hard examples (whether financially or emotionally or whatever) of what it will look like for him to be “ready,” you can monitor progress over the next few years, check in about it, and maintain the momentum to actually achieve this goal.
If it’s vague, and he doesn’t have SPECIFIC indicators of readiness beyond the simple passage of time, then yes I would also imagine him getting to 31, not feeling ready at all, and needing more time. The reality is he may never feel ready for kids- it is scary and overwhelming. So a “feeling” may never come. If he can’t specify what being ready will “look like” for him, I’d second guess waiting.
At least you guys are both on the same page that you want to have kids and are not like wasting your time. Some relationships one really wants one so badly and can think that they can change their partners mine on kids. I think eventually when you guys are at the age 30. Maybe he would realize too that he wants kids then.
You said women and birthing parents in the same post. It’s just women
8 years is too long to wait and super unrealistic, especially since you are already ready. For the health of the mother and baby, it’s ideal to start having children before mid thirties hit.
Another thing to consider… you will never get that time back. Those 8 years (or even 4 years) you don’t have children is years you will not get with your children and eventually your grandchildren.
I understand that people want to feel stable before a baby comes into the picture, but you also have a lot of time for things to fall into place once you are trying to conceive and then when you are actually pregnant. This can happen at the same time as you are still working on improving your circumstances.