For context, I (20s f) have a close friend (19m) who I may have feelings for but before pursuing anything I want to know more about how to handle the language thing.
He is a native Mandarin Chinese speaker but speaks English perfectly. He had previously stated that it is not a requirement for him that his partner speaks Chinese but it still has been on my mind. His family does not speak English, and his culture is very important to him. So I wonder if he simply said it was not a requirement because he does not like to ask things of people.
If you were going to have a long term relationship with someone who is not a native English speaker, would you learn their language? Even if they spoke perfect English, would you do it to be able to communicate with their family/travel with them/etc? And at what point would you begin learning it (6 months/1 year/etc into the relationship)?
TLDR; should you learn your partners native language?
17 comments
I’d say learn the basics, at the very least he will be happy that you’re taking interest in his native language, and being able to communicate, although basic, with his family is always good.
I probably would. It’s never a bad thing to learn another language. And it would definitely make things easier when you visit. I’d probably start as soon as dating got serious. There’s really no downside so why wait? The worst thing that can happen is you break up and you have new language skills
Yes, you should try to learn their language. It shows goodwill and commitment, and will ease any number of difficulties.
At the same time, be aware that some languages can be very difficult to learn, and you might not be able to make much headway. As people leave the language acquisition phase of childhood (maybe 4 through 10), it can be much harder to learn new languages. You should probably start with a “converational Mandarin for travelers” type of course, and only get into hardcore study later, if you still deem it necessary.
I’m married to a Vietnamese so I’ll chip in. In short, yes. Being able to have a meaningful relationship with the parents and family of your partner is extremely important in Asia. If this is a long term relationship, then definitely go for it.
Also, by nature Asians are very nonconfrontational. So it’s likely its very important to him but he doesn’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up too heavily.
I would highly recommend learning the language, he will be more than happy to help you learn.
I think you just need to trust your partner when he says its not important. You could perhaps ask them why it’s not a requirement too. I used to be a little insecure that I didn’t know Finnish for my girlfriend even though she said it didn’t matter. But after she explained how she felt in a bit more detail it helped (turned out a large portion of their population spoke English too so even though she had a few family members who couldn’t speak it, they had heard enough to know bits and pieces, plus she said she would prefer moving to me eventually rather than me moving to live with her)
Learn the basics, maybe some phrases just to speak.
Unless you have a strong desire and love for the language, or you feel that if you move in/relocate you will have to speak a different language, I wouldn’t pressure. It’s also nice of him that he does not care about it, and is not pressuring you to learn it. I would not stay with a person who would demand I learn their language.
I think it totally depends on the individuals. Someone with a lot of close family members they talk to often who don’t speak English, it’s probably a good idea for their partner to learn at least the basics of the language to communicate with those family members. Others who are less close with such relatives or some of whom speak English, it’s probably less important. Also sometimes people say “language” when they mean “culture.” Sharing cultural backgrounds is different than sharing language, and only one of those can be learned.
But it sounds like you’re asking the wrong question, to be honest. I think you’re overthinking it and you’re getting way too far in your own head about whether or not you’re a good match for this guy on paper. At the end of the day, if he likes you and he wants to date you, it doesn’t matter if you are thinking about learning Mandarin someday. Learning a language takes years and it’s way too soon to be thinking that far ahead. Falling in love isn’t like applying for a job, where you write a resume and try to prove that you meet the qualifications for being someone’s girlfriend. If you both like each other’s personalities, you can give dating a try, and all the long term stuff comes later in time. If he doesn’t like you right now, as the person you already are today, then he’s not the right one for you and none of the rest of it matters.
With any relationship there comes a time where you both need to discuss expectations and stick to them. In the case if your post as an example; is he expecting you to adapt to his culture? If so, how much? Is it something you are comfortable with?
Even if he says he does not expect you to learn his language, it does show your commitment and that you value your relationship.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You both speak mandarin perfectly, but he makes an attempt to learn English for you.
As an adult Rosetta Stone helped me learn multiple languages. It is more difficult then learning as a child. You just have to remain patient and willing. Find a balance and system that works best for you.
Only if you want to know what his relatives really think about you!
learn the language now. at least start, it will make him feel seen, understood, and show him you care. he’ll really appreciate it, and it’ll give you a leg up on getting to know him better and get closer
Learn the language. As an Asian, English just doesn’t cut it sometimes. It’s too functional and often doesn’t have words for some feelings which is necessary in a relationship.
why not learn? makes it easier to learn when you can practice with family. not only that, but if the couple has kids you would want to understand what they’re speaking.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly three years now. He’s English and my family and I are Brazilian. And despite my parents and my brother speaking perfect English (or at least good enough for them to communicate without issues), my extended family doesn’t. So he went out of his way to try to learn portuguese for when he gets to meet them
It’s not a requirement, but watching him try so hard is so precious and it makes me feel so special and loved, it truly shows you care. It was so wholesome to hear him talking to my little brother, both of them going back and forth in Portuguese and English. It’s safe to say that his efforts got him points with my family, he genuinely feels like a part of the family and coming from a broken one, I know that’s all he’s ever wanted.
Yes, im learning Dutch because of my bf. I want him to learn my language too (Norwegian) so it goes both ways. We speak mostly English in the home, but after 2 years i am now able to have decent conversations in Dutch. You are unlucky tho because Mandarin i notoriously difficult, but if you do learn alot then you can earn a ton by being a translator! Silver linings
It doesn’t even matter if it’s important to them it will be a new skill for you and more languages never hurt in the long run. If you have any intention to learn this language don’t forget the benefits.
My partner is Hungarian and his family barely speak a word of English, nor do I speak Hungarian, but because its so important to both of us to be able to communicate, and because my partner knows English and is able to communicate with my family, I want to be able to speak to his too, so we actually learn together.
We have our translation apps open, and his mother will try to speak to me in English, and I will try to speak to her in Hungarian. We correct each other where needed and celebrate each other when we get it right, and it reinforces the things we learn while also being a lovely bonding moment for us.
Speaking as someone who has never picked up languages easily, try it, honestly, it is so worth it, even if just for having another skill.
I think it’s a nice thing to do and he may appreciate you doing so…its not a must but if you want to be with him then yeah it’s a good idea
My boyfriend is chinese but he speaks Cantonese and I have asked him to teach me as I want to learn more about his culture and family especially when we have kids and they will learn the language too