Apologies for long post.
New to Reddit.
This occurs in South Africa.
I started a relationship with a girl in July, although we’ve known each other a long time. Recently she told me the following:
In April she was on vacation and went to visit a friend in another province. Friend was working night shift (a doctor) but the boyfriend was there so he would entertain her for the night.
She arrived and the boyfriend was a good host. Made her a very nice cheese platter, took her to a romantic setting, plied her with wine. Her glass was never empty.
She woke up at some point in the guest bedroom, naked, with him thrusting his penis between her feet. She immediately asked him to stop. When he saw she was awake he apparently went “oh what are WE doing” and left the room.
Next morning told her he’d never cheated before, please don’t tell the girlfriend, it would ruin his relationship and also the friendship between the two girls.
Anyway, the first thing I said when she told me is “this sounds like textbook sexual assault”.
In the interim the girlfriend has become aware (someone else accused the boyfriend of a similar setup and he confessed to “cheating” with the friend)…but it’s not viewed as assault by the couple.
My girlfriend doesn’t want to view it as assault either, saying it makes her feel dirty. She just wants to leave it and forget about it.
Now the issue I’m struggling with:
As men in 2022 we are often told to hold other men accountable. We are bombarded with commercials and slogans etc about stopping sexual violence against women.
I get that. I mean if one of my friends did this I definitely WOULD tell him it was wrong and whatever actions were taken against him would be justified.
It’s not my friend however. It is her friend’s boyfriend. I can’t do anything because it is not my right or my place. To take matters into my own hands and do something (report it, beat him up, call him and berate him, whatever) would again be asserting control over her (which is again a violation of her rights). I understand this.
It is driving me insane though. He is simply going to get away with it.
How do I deal with this?
Again, this is in South Africa.
Edit: thank you for the responses so far, i appreciate each one.
Just to clarify, my girlfriend DOES view it as sexual assault. She just doesn’t want to view it that way or take it further, as thinking about it makes her feel dirty so she would rather just forget.
Which is fully her right (her body, her mind etc).
I suppose I could also say this brings a question:
My role as a boyfriend = support my girlfriend
Vs
My role as a man = do something about a known sexual offender
Anyway, yeah I have a lot to think about. I appreciate the comments. I really do.
4 comments
I’d at least tell his gf. Just describe things as they happened, and point out that in your opinion her bf is a little rapey. What she does with that information is up to her.
edit: When I say “tell the gf”, I’m not saying this just to stir shit up, so to speak. I really mean just give her the straight facts and that’s it. Apparently this isn’t even the first time this has happened. If she keeps hearing about shit like this, hopefully at some point she will catch a clue about her bf. People keeping silent, is enabling this asshole.
You discuss your concerns with your new girlfriend. Without putting pressure on her, ask her one more time if she has thought about reporting him to the police, given that he is obviously a repeat offender and likely to do the same thing to other women.
If your girlfriend still doesn’t want to do anything, you support her decision and let it go.
In your position I would keep my views to myself since the women involved don’t see this as SA.
It our place as men to be allies and nothing more.
It’s a horrible situation to be in to be sexually assaulted but it’s always upsetting to know about it and not being able to do anything about it as well.
While I’m sure the law covers things somewhat if your friend said “hey police, this happened to me”, if she isn’t acknowledging that she was sexually assaulted there’s nothing you can do except be a supportive ear for her.
Additionally, if victim blaming is as bad in South Africa as it is in Ireland (or worse), I wouldn’t be surprised if your friend was in denial because the victim blaming could be worse than the assault. Also, given that her “friend” has decided this was consensual, she’s probably thinking of ways to keep the friendship and saying “I didn’t want this” probably wouldn’t work.