I (24f) had a threesome with my boyfriend and his friend and now he’s devastated that I enjoyed myself.

42 comments

1. [removed]

2. I think his over selfconfidence, was more like a fasade to hide his weakness. Give him a little time. And maybe let him know how much you like what he does with you, or how you love him.

3. I’ve had many BF in the past that said they wanted MFM or even swinging but anytime it got close to the act would back out. Women often get stereotyped as the ones who can’t / won’t do non-monogamy but in my experience has been the opposite — once it moves out of the fantasy realm, men are more likely to have issues.

4. Be careful what you wish for. Porn never shows the sequel.

5. He wanted cookies and a glass of milk but the milk turned out to be sour.

   I suspect he won’t get over it for a while. His confidence is probably very low right now, i imagine your bf is feeling beaten and somewhat like a loser in comparison to the friend

   Are you prepared to try and help rebuild his confidence?

6. Most likely: RIP to your relationship. As a male, **every** male I’ve known with this mentality has sabotaged their relationship in some manner.

    

   You did **NOTHING** wrong. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope everything works out for you.

7. His friend gave you orgasms from oral, when you didn’t think you could…..I’m guessing this is what has got to him

8. Sounds like he bit off more than he can chew mentally. Time should sort it out though. You can try to make a bit more effort to make him feel better about, more affection and advances etc. if it goes on too long it might be dead. That’s just the reality. You take risks, sometimes they pay off and sometimes they don’t. All the best!

9. a tale as old as time

10. A true example of post nut clarity here. Everyone loves the idea and taboo of threesomes but nobody wants to deal with the potential emotional baggage that comes with it.

    My take is that you enjoying the attention really fucked with his mental image about himself. To the point where he is questioning everything about himself. Masculinity can be extremely fragile, no offense meant to anyone.

    I would offer talking to him, work through the emotions and talk it out. If you don’t, this will have him doubting himself for the rest of your relationship. Unfortunately, the grim truth is that some people aren’t prepared for the emotions, the guilt, the jealousy, and doubt.

    Edit: but to nut… haha

11. Can I ask an off-subject question? What did the friend do differently when giving oral sex that lead to you orgasming, compared with your boyfriend’s or previous lovers’ techniques?

12. I wonder if his friend is telling him that you enjoyed him more than your boyfriend. He may even feel like his friend was better and you enjoyed him more too. Kind of sounds like that was the case but I don’t think you did anything wrong. It just happened. Your boyfriends ego and pride are hurt. I don’t have advice, really. If you love each other and want to be with each other you’ll make it work.

13. I think you got to the root of the issue when you said that he’s competitive with his friend. He seems to have expected that you wouldn’t have enjoyed sex with his friend, or that he would be the star of the show and his friend would be no good. This clearly wasn’t the case.

    Also a key point is that his friend made you orgasm from oral. If I’m reading that correctly, his friend did something that he couldn’t do for you. That alone might be the reason for his reaction.

14. I bet he not the most confident guy you know anymore.

15. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes really applies here.

16. Yeah. You should go ahead and end that relationship. He ain’t getting past that ever

17. I don’t want to be pessimist but if you never came from oral when your bf did it to you but you came with his friend pretty much that alone killed his self esteem, and if you came a lot with his friend add more shots to his confidence corpse. I highly doubt that he can came back to having any confidence in the sex he has with you.
    It will probably come back with other girls but I don’t think with you

18. You’ve never orgasmed from oral before, including with your boyfriend, but his best friend made you orgasm from oral “a lot”. He did the 3some to prove to his friend he’s better at fucking and was proven wrong.

    Not only that, but his friend dominated you (I assume from the way you wrote it that it was in ways that he doesn’t/can’t).

    I’m not saying it’s not his own fault for going at this for the wrong reasons, but I’m saying I fully understand why he’d be feeling really crappy.

19. Oh hey it’s this thread again.

    3sums: 500,000

    Naive young relationships: 0

    Tough run.

20. This was a mistake from start to finish especially the competition factor.. never agree to this if you haven’t properly thought it through, there’s a slip side to the coin.. being that you had a 3sum with his best friend, if it was a random guy and not a friend it would be a completely different box of frogs. You definitely just need to sit and talk through his issues so you can continue to enjoy your relationship 🫶🏻

21. Hopefully you both get through this but I would prepare for the worst tbh. He saw you enjoyed yourself more with his friend which I’m sure you know you did, bc nowhere in your post do you talk about how your bf made you feel. You go straight to discussing the friend as being super attractive and how it added to the experience.

22. What a surprise, it’s another episode of “I had a threesome/orgy with my significant other and now one of us is mad”

    This happens at least once a day. There really should be a sticky or something for this particular subject

23. You experienced something with his friend he has never been able to accomplish……it broke him. You may be correct it could be irreversible harm to the relationship. For starters no flirting or even being around his friend going forward to see if this is fixable. If not you two may just have to move on.

24. Super simple, he thought it would not be that big of deal and you had wanted it. He then saw looks on your face and moans you don’t make with him. Now it will never be the same. It’s the price you pay for taboo. The reason it’s taboo is because this kind of thing happens.

25. I wish you would’ve tried this with someone that neither of you had a pre-existing relationship with. That way, if fantasy didn’t translate well to reality, it would be much easier to say “this isn’t for me” and leave it behind.

26. *BF straight up admitted that he wanted to prove to his friend that he fucks better. I thought that was a questionable reason to agree to a 3some but he REALLY wanted to do this. He’s the most confident guy I know and I genuinely thought he knew what he was doing.*

    So your boyfriend went into this experience with the full expectation that he would prove the fact that he fucks better, was there any talk of what would happen if his best friend fucked you better? Any type of after-care to reassure him of his meaningful relationship with you? There is a point where confidence blends into cockiness, and not preparing for his best friend fucking you better would have definitely been a misstep while talking this over.

    *It was by far the best sexual experience I’ve ever had. I was pretty much spoiled from start to finish and my BF was clearly enjoying it too.*

    Did you notice at any point where he might have stopped enjoying it? Did he say anything out of character during?

    *At one point he also ate me out and I came a lot (I’ve never orgasmed from receiving oral, I don’t think I ever would). I found the dirty talk super hot as well (he was dominant despite the submissive act) and it turned me on a lot.*

    So your boyfriend’s best friend was able to make you cum in a way your boyfriend(or past partners) has **never** been able to. That could definitely cause a huge amount of self-doubt for your boyfriend. Especially when his fantasy was to “fuck you better than his best friend”.

    *It’s gotten to the point friends and family asked me what happened to him!*

    How long has he been like this without talking to anyone?

    *At first he didn’t want to talk about it but then he confessed that he can’t get over our 3some. He refused to elaborate and just asked me odd questions. If I like his friend, if I think his friend is better in bed etc. I kept saying no to his ridiculous questions but he wasn’t satisfied. He even asked me if I still like him/want to be with him which was just ODD.*

    I mean this as gently as I possibly can, **please** stop calling your boyfriends questions ridiculous. There’s a possibility he could tell you found his questions ridiculous, and that’s why he wasn’t satisfied with your answers. His insecurities would have caused him to be really sensitive. He seems to be suffering right now with extreme self doubt, and is now doubting your relationship and how much you want to be with him. Is it unfortunate that this was his reaction to a threesome he wanted in the first place? **Absolutely.** The best possible outcome would have been him enjoying it just as much as you did. At some point he didn’t though. He might have appeared to enjoy it in the moment, but who says he wasn’t uncomfortable/overthinking it during the threesome? People faking enjoyment during sex is not uncommon (sadly). What if he realized that you hadn’t crossed any boundaries and felt guilty for wanting to pause the threesome to talk it out? Was that an option? To pause the threesome at any point if any of you got uncomfortable? It could have also been him overthinking the threesome afterwards? Maybe he is over-analyzing just how much you enjoyed being with his best friend. Maybe his best friend made a harsh comment to him about the threesome and how much you enjoyed being with him? Maybe that shifted his view on the threesome? Maybe his best friend vocalized an interest in doing it again because of how much chemistry you two had? It would explain his questions about if his best friend is better in bed, and if you still like your boyfriend and want to be with him.

    *He’s still morose and I’m worried that this whole thing had a serious impact on our relationship.*

    I think it has had a impact in your relationship. There is no arguing that (imo). I would focus in on your relationship, especially if you want to save it. Fully put your energy into helping your boyfriend work throughout these feelings, and hopefully you’ll be able to work it out.

    *I don’t understand why he’s so upset when *he’s* the one who suggested the idea in the first place.*

    Fantasies do not always translate well into reality.

    For example, emotions are very rarely detailed in fantasies, so it might seem hot to include another person in sex (fmf or mfm) for a fantasy but the reality includes a lot of unwanted things that you can only try to prepare for. Like experiencing your partner actually having sex with another person in front of you and the emotions that can go with that. Your partner experiencing pleasure from another person/wanting to pleasure another person. I’ve even seen posts of a partner being ignored/neglected because of their partner getting wrapped up in the new experience of the new person. Also, having to reassure your partners after a threesome when insecurities take hold. Usually these things are prepared for by talking about boundaries, and safe-words that can be used at any point if anyone is uncomfortable. Plus reassurance afterwards for the original couple that they are still happily in love with each other, and that they continue to chose each other (regardless of consensually just having sex with another person). Almost like a form of aftercare.

    Sadly, you have now experienced this with your boyfriends reaction to the MFM threesome you participated in. Your boyfriends fantasy was that he would “beat” his best friend in pleasuring in bed, and in his mind, that reality did not measure up to his fantasy.

27. >At one point he also ate me out and I came a lot (I’ve never orgasmed from receiving oral, I don’t think I ever would). **I found the dirty talk super hot as well (he was dominant despite the submissive act) and it turned me on a lot.**

    As much as the oral thing is likely getting under your bf’s skin, I think it is the bolded part that may be having the bigger impact on him. It makes me question how much he was actually involved in the flow of the threesome as I can see a loss of perspective and objectivity happening if you were the center of attention and going into subspace. From your wording I get the impression he is **not** dominant and the realization you react strongly (he isn’t seeing or understanding the novelty aspect) to that is undermining his self-confidence and self-image.

    Edit: Was a Dominant/submissive dynamic explicitly agreed upon?

28. >In the past I was really curious about giving MFM a try but he wasn’t comfortable with that so we didn’t discuss it further.

    >BF straight up admitted that he wanted to prove to his friend that he fucks better.

    ^ This right here was the first mistake. These two statements are in conflict and should have shot up a red flag immediately.

    It would also seem like he had some unspoken prerequisites for enjoying this experience right from the onset. A threesome is not a “competition” where you prove you’re more manly than your rivals. It’s more about three people sharing an intimate sexual experience for the enjoyment of all of them. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he might have been too nervous to pursue a threesome with another man for fear of being upstaged, but something about this competition with his friend overrode that fear. He must have been convinced going in that he would be victorious, clearly proving his sexual prowess was greater than his friend… and never stopped to consider the fact that *he might lose the competition.* The trouble is… this competition was all 100% within his own mind. Were there any “goal posts” set with his friend before the threesome happened? It doesn’t sound like it. My guess: **He was never interested in enjoying a MFM threesome, he only wanted to prove to his friend how good he fucks…** and it turned out his friend was better than he expected. In general, this may not have been such a hurtful blow for him to learn… but unfortunately **you were also involved in that discovery.**

    It might not even matter what you say at this point, because the entire time the three of you were going to town he was paying attention to how much you enjoyed his efforts vs those of his friend. I mean, that was the entire point for him. He wanted to know who was better. Well… your body didn’t lie. It’s an unfortunate product of toxic masculinity, but feeling like you can satisfy your partner in bed can be a *VERY* important part of a man’s ego. It would also seem that he lost that feeling the night of the threesome. In seeing your reactions to his friend’s efforts, he lost all his self-confidence and now thinks there is no reason why you’d want to stay with him when there are “better men” out there like his friend. It could take a long time for him to find his confidence again, especially since he’ll be reminded of it every time he sees his friend.

    Perhaps there were other factors involved in your excitement that had nothing to do with how good his friend was at oral or whatever. Perhaps it was simply the thrill of having two men pleasing you at once that really got your motor running… whatever it was, it could potentially do some good to try and explain that to him so he isn’t stuck replaying that night over in his head thinking his sex game is inferior to his “rival.”

    Perhaps he is so fixated on that idea of “being the best in bed” that he has also been ignoring the fact that women are usually more interested in the emotional connection with their partner than their physical sexual satisfaction. He is beating himself up now, either for suggesting the threesome in the first place or for failing to satisfy you well enough to “upstage” his friend (or probably both). I’ve heard of horror stories like this ruining relationships before, so if you don’t want things to get any worse, it might be in your best interest to continue making efforts to snap him out of it by making it perfectly clear that you couldn’t possibly be happier without him. His ego is severely damaged right now and needs comforting in a big way!

    Also, in the future, maybe avoid any threesomes with friends… just as a rule of thumb.

29. Oh boy, this hurt to read

30. >I thought that was a questionable reason to agree to a 3some but he REALLY wanted to do this

    That was a red flag bigger than the USSR.

31. The problem is that he went into this with an idea that there would be a winner and a loser instead of aiming for a sexual encounter that maximized pleasure for everyone. Then he lost.

32. People don’t do any research before threesomes is what I concluded after reading a lot of the same stories like these.

33. Sounds like bf used you as a stage to 1 up his friend. Far from a healthy reason for him to want a 3some.

34. Sexual competition is never a good reason for 3some (or any other group sex activity). He needs to learn how to cope with the fact his sexpectations were shattered and also he needs to be willing to communicate. Also, he needs to address some things with his friend to make sure whether or not this has damaged their friendship.

35. Yeah it seems the biggest issue here is He’s competitive and probably didn’t expect you to enjoy it from another guy. So this right here and the fact you orgasmed from oral.

    But this is my guess and I’m pretty sure I could be wrong. But did you all perform any type of after care? Because I’m assuming no. I know a lot of people only associate that with more BDSM play, but I feel it’s something that should almost always be done. Definitely when you do something as impactful as this. It’s important to take time afterwards to sit down and just make sure everyone is ok mentally. A lot of the time, horny demons drives people actions and after the nut, they regret it.

36. Knowing the competitive mindset your boyfriend was going into it with, you might have been somewhat sensitive to the fact that his friend accomplished something fairly major that he couldn’t. You could have said that boyfriend watching you was part of what turned you on enough to orgasm or something similar. A little white lie wouldn’t have hurt anyone.

37. Imagine bragging you know your wife the best and please her the best, then some guy (albeit with invitation) comes into the picture and shows you, you arent the master of her body like he thought. Its devastating to the male ego especially if you expected it couldnt happen to you.

    I dont envy having this conversation later, “Dude remember that time I ate your wife out so good she came even though you said it wasnt possible”

38. 1st of all, and most importantly, if there is some rivalry sort of thing then why try on YOU. You just became a race course. You should have instantly said a big ‘NO’ to 3some with this motive.
    Your BF made a immature decision and now regretting.
    Considering rivalry, he sould have tried it with some call girl or someone like that.
    Sorry for you !

39. Stopped reading at “see who fucks better”. That’s what convinced you? 🤦‍♂️

40. And now the friendship is ruined too. No.1 rule of threesome is not to do it with someone you know.

41. >BF straight up admitted that he wanted to prove to his friend that he fucks better.

    i did leave out the couple sentences right after it, because this is where the emotional intelligence fell right out of your head.

    “if you really want to do a MFM, lets talk more about it. but it’s NOT going to be with someone that you have challenges with.”

    on one side, it was very clearly asking for trouble. you acknowledge this in the same paragraph. on the other hand, you put yourself in the position of effectively being *someone’s* trophy.

    of course it works fantastically in your favor. 2 guys are going to try their hardest to please you, and no surprise, you won that part of this arrangement.

    good luck making it out of this, how do you coach your bf to go down on you the way his friend did, before his own eyes? you say his friend was the only person to please you with oral, cant imagine that’s not an image replaying in his head.

    truly, your bf is indeed a moron for bringing competition with his friend into his and your sex life. he has a great deal of this burden to share, and i put him on the idiot scale much sooner before you show up on it. but you come here looking for help, even though you *knew* it was not a good idea.

    “can anyone explain his thought process?”

    fuck no. first he needs space. then you two need to talk about what happened, and be open and honest as to how a pathway forward we go if it’s even possible.

    smdh

42. He lost that competition