I’ve never felt worse about myself than I do when I’m having sex with him. It’s like you wouldn’t think you had to tell a grown man that when you’re having sex with someone you have to please the other person too.
He just cares about his own nut and couldn’t care less about how I’m feeling. Worst part is he actually thinks the sex is good.
I tell him all the time he can’t make me orgasm and the best he can do is oral for like 5 minutes and then he cums after another 5.
I’ve done everything for him emotionally, physically, and sexually but I get nothing. It’s knocked whatever ounce of confidence I have left straight into the gutter.
I’ll never understand men that do this to women so often. If we’re just a hole then use your hand or something else without feelings.
18 comments
Why haven’t you already left?
What else are you getting out of that relationship? To me this seems like a blatant disregard for your needs, not just physically but also emotionally because you’re feeling terrible about yourself as a result of it and he doesn’t seem to care.
Clearly he is a narcissist….your needs don’t really have a place in his thought process. You should never feel bad about yourself for any of this, he is the ugly one.
When you can be without him and his selfish ways you will have a much easier time with someone that is more caring and more considerate of your needs. Take care of yourself first, since he clearly isn’t going to.
He doesn’t respect you or care about you in a way you deserve. Leave him for someone who can meet all your needs and actually care about someone besides themselves.
You’ll never understand men that do this to women, but I’ll never understand why women stay with this type of man? All you have done is write about how selfish, neglectful and frustrating he is and yet you’re still with him?
This type of man – disclaimer, that it is NOT all men who do this – do this because they are selfish, but they only have the opportunity to do this because women offer them the chance to do it by staying with them. If women saw this type of behaviour and addressed it, and if it didn’t get better, left, these men would not be able to do what they do.
Leave him. Find a more considerate partner.
EDIT: Just seen some of your other comments and one thing is VERY clear – you have severely low self-esteem to the point of codependency. You seem to think being with someone even if they have absolutely NO respect for you is better than being alone because it is some form of validation that someone wants to be with you. The only thing is – this guy clearly does NOT want to be with you, he wants to CONTROL you. You need to get shot of him. By ditching this POS, you will be acting in your own best interests which it sounds like you have not been doing much. You need to not be with anyone right now and learn to validate yourself, I would recommend some counselling to explore this incredibly low self-image.
I wish you all the best with this.
>It’s like you wouldn’t think you had to tell a grown man that when you’re having sex with someone you have to please the other person too.
So just to check, you still have told him, right?
I didn’t read past your first sentence. I’m not sure if this is one of those posts where you’re looking for validation in leaving the relationship, but Jesus, leave the relationship. At some point, YOU have to be responsible for ensuring your own needs are met. If you’ve communicated your needs with your partner and they refuse to listen, take the hint. There’s a huge difference between being inexperienced / “bad” in bed and blatantly ignoring your partners self-advocacy. Your partner is the later. Of course he thinks the sex is good, it’s good FOR HIM and clearly that’s all he cares about.
I feel like sometimes /r/sex gets entangled with /r/relationships (shocker, right?).
In this case, a lot of people are saying he’s a narcissist and that he doesn’t care about you and that you should leave. I’m not saying these things aren’t true — I don’t know you or him. But from looking at your comments and your post, here’s what I’ve gathered…
(Keep in mind, this is from my perspective. I’m a guy and have also been in some pretty tough situations sexually with some of my exes so I always advocate for empathy.)
1. It seems like you have low self-esteem.
I’m not sure if this was true before the relationship or only became true after but it can have a huge detriment to your sex life as you start to believe people do things to hurt you when in reality they might not be aware of what’s wrong… people can be a little thick but they don’t always have bad intentions.
I used to have pretty bad PTSD to the point that I’d have to stop during sex or go to the bathroom to cry or have a panic attack. It was horrible. The main trigger for it was the thought that the woman was somehow using me or wanted to hurt me. This was never the case and none of my hookups ever expressed that intent, but my mind wanted to be sure I was protected.
Just food for thought.
2. The messaging worries me.
Just from reading the way you wrote the post, there’s a lot of angry language in there. I.e. “I tell him all the time he can’t make me orgasm”… now, again, from my perspective, if a girl was always telling me I couldn’t make her orgasm, then I would feel too shitty to actually try.
Other guys might shut down or just do what he does and ignore your needs because he doesn’t want to feel guilty or pressured.
I’m not saying it’s right, but men have feelings too and ways to deal with the bad stuff.
Another one is “I’ll never understand why men do this to women” — I’ve come across these blanket perspectives on both sides of the aisle.
Last week I had a coworker tell me that “women who take too much dick are ruined”. Awful. Anyways, this person you’re dating, if you actually love them, is NOT “men”.
They are a person and have feelings and thoughts and opinions and nuance. The further you feed into this rhetoric, the more you’ll take things personally to align it with that image of men instead of communicating and asking questions and exploring.
3. It might not be an issue with sex.
Sex is an emotional and physical process. But from what I’ve seen, mostly emotional.
People connect emotionally in many different ways — having food together, watching tv, talking about the future, playing games, taking walks… you get my point.
Even spending time apart is a great way to start thinking about the other person.
Other things surrounding sex can make the sex better by improving your relationship and letting you communicate more gently and openly about what makes you feel good and how they can help you accomplish that.
And maybe this is a chance to examine your relationship and ask some important questions like: Am I with this person because I actually like them? Are we both compatible enough to meet each other’s needs consistently? Do I see a future with them? Am I using a relationship to escape working on myself?
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Anyways, take everything I’ve said here with a grain of salt as I am just an internet person trying to figure out what’s best for you from barely 500 words to go off of. Lol
But I just wanted to say that sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and it doesn’t need to be a battleground. With the right person, intention, and environment it can be a place to feel safe and loved no matter what emotion, need, or want you have. 🙂 Good luck!!
And why is he your boyfriend?
Personally, I’d be happy if I can make my boyfriend feeling good, no orgasm necessary. He being happy makes me emotionally cum.
You doing things to please your loved one is so precious and beautiful. Again YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! YOU ARE BEEEAAUTIFUL!!!
Maybe he just doesn’t know how exactly to please you:)
This has nothing to do with you, he is just a selfish and shitty lover (probably person too). You should leave him. There are plenty of men out there who are not like him.
Your post did not say if you’ve ever actually talked to him about it. I see you say “I’ve told him he can’t make me orgasm” what’s the context? I hope there was more than just that. Guide him, teach him. Get a toy if you’d like and ask him to use it on you or when you’re done use it on yourself RIGHT AWAY, chances are he might get jealous and want to start trying harder. But the biggest thing is to communicate! Make him finish you before you allow pen.
Assuming that you want to stay with him (which it doesn’t sound like you do and I don’t blame you) and giving him the benefit of the doubt, have you given him any kind of guidance, shown him what you like, etc.? Even with plenty of sexual experience, everyone is different, may need different things, etc. Coming out and saying you are not pleasing me lets him know, but doesn’t give him any information to fix it. Some women do better in certain positions, angles, can only finish PIV or oral, toys, etc. Men and women have different parts and a lot of figuring out how to hit the spot, find out what feels good, and get to the finish line is trial and error until you know what works for that person. If someone has a harder time finishing, it can be a looooooooong search to try to find the finish line without their help.
the question you must ask is why are you with him?
don’t blame others for your decisions and acceptance.
He’s with you because you tolerate his selfish behaviour. It’s not you, it’s him. Trust me.
How old are y’all
He’s just using you for sex. There are men out there that will treat u like gold. Find better or stay where you’re unappreciated
Yeah you might need to be somewhat accountable for letting this carry on. Call him out, suggest nicely how it can improve for you both and if he’s not willing to change then end it.
Don’t fanny about with anything else then direct chat about it.