I am into some kinky things but am concerned that there may be a loss of respect between my bf and I because he treats me so roughly in bed sometimes. (Not that I don’t like it) but could it be a reflection of anything more?

34 comments

  1. As long as there’s **consent** and **communication** and ***aftercare*** then yes absolutely, you can love and respect one another and do horrible kinky things to each other in bed and it not mean anything bad about anyone

  2. Possible? Yes. But I do think the lines can get blurred so you have to have clear boundaries about what’s acceptable/when

  3. I feel like love and respect is almost a prerequisite to be able to go all out on stuff like this.

    So, yeah, it’s absolutely possible.

  4. I’m my husband’s dirty little whore in bed, but if anyone called me that outside of there he’d knock them the fuck out. I say this because he doesn’t disrespect me nor would he let anyone else disrespect me. So to me, there has to be clear distinction with respect and how I’m treated, and the trust that it’s only a bedroom/joking around about bedroom things. I feel like if you’re questioning it being a reflection of something more, that maybe there’s something you already see as a blurred line.

  5. I get like this when I’m in a relationship.

    During sex she’s a filthy naughty girl who needs to be spanked/punished etc.. but as soon as the sex is over I just wanna kiss and cuddle and make her food.

    You shouldn’t have a problem if he actually respects and loves you.

  7. Guy did tht to me I’m a guy as well but I don’t feel the same back just degraded so ask the person 1st don’t be like tht guy

  8. Yeah sure. The catch is: anything is possible *because* there is so much love and trust between me and my partner.

  9. My boyfriend is great about this. If he tries anything new he makes sure he has my consent that I must give verbally. I’m into this play, so he’s really rough with me, he says he bullies me in the bedroom and I love it.

    Once we’re done though, it’s all hugs and back rubs and kisses. It’s him snuggling me, maybe even apologizing if he feels like he went too far, although I’ve never felt like he should apologize, I’ve always enjoyed myself.

    Outside of the bedroom he’s so sweet. He gives me forehead kisses and takes care of me. Every once and awhile he’ll give me a look and say something naughty to remind me. I love our dynamic!

  10. Yes, in fact the only person I’ve been able to do it with is my wife. There were a few other women I dated and/or slept with who wanted that treatment and I couldn’t do it because the lack of connection/trust/vulnerability, etc.

    With my wife it’s different. I can choke her out, call her a whore and a cum slut, piss on her, walk her around like a doggy on a leash on all fours, etc and then resume our loving and respectful relationship right after. Would never be able to do that stuff with someone else I didn’t have that connection with.

  12. Yep, I do ot all the time. Role-playing is a lot like TV. Yes, you know that’s Brad Pitt pretending to be Achilles, but watching Troy is still a fun thing to do.

  13. Absolutely, it’s just the same as role play. The bedroom stuff like degradation and humiliation is fantasy, the same as being a teacher and the naughty schoolgirl.

  14. My husband treats me that way during sex because he loves and respects me. Neither of us would be able to get off on it if he didn’t

  15. I think so, sure. If they like that.

    Ludacris said it best: “We want a lady in the street, but a FREAK in the bed.”

  17. Yes, it’s like that with my partner. Outside of the bedroom he’s respectful and loving, in bed he fucks me like his mistress

  18. This is a tricky question, because my philosophy and experience do not align.

    I want to say that yes, that love and kinky rough sex are absolutely compatible and can occur simultaneously when kink is enjoyed consensually. As a sub/switch, I can absolutely feel love for my partner and enjoy kinky rough sex. But I do not think this is true for everyone.

    My experience in my past relationships has made it clear that extremely rough kinky sex is not compatible with love (in all cases, perhaps more so with doms). My ex was a very sadistic dom, however, he **could not** hurt me once he fell in love with me. He didn’t even enjoy it. His desire to be a dom and inflict pain ended up being a turn off when he fell in love with me. He would also cry whenever I’d watch videos of our earlier sex because he said he felt like a monster and was repulsed by how he treated me (even though I wanted that and enjoyed it). Needless to say, those videos all got deleted.

    Additionally, my current partner WILL NOT hurt me. He doesn’t like seeing me in pain, and he just refuses to inflict any kind of harm on me even though he had no issue engaging in those things with women in the past who he was not in love with. For him as well, any level of sadism could only be enjoyed when done with someone who he liked/felt ambivalent towards. It’s not a turn on/desire in the context of a loving relationship, even with aftercare.

    So in conclusion, I don’t think there is really a yes/no answer.

    I know for a fact that with my current and past partner, once they fell in love, they simply could not hurt me or be too rough, even though I wanted that. Whereas with me, love and kink were and remain compatible.

    I think everyone is different.

  19. So subjective. I wouldn’t like that, and I would have the same concerns you obviously do, but others do like it. It has to be defined by the participants I guess.

  20. If two people treat each other good and respect each other they can also have healthy kinky sexlife. There is a different between disrespecting someone in the bedroom and dominating. In a dom- sub relationship the sub is still in charge cause if they say stop (or a safe word) then it means the play have to stop. The dom should still respects the sub and her/ his bounderies even if the sex is about humiliation and/or very rough.

    I went out with a dude who treated me very good and in the bedroom he treated me like a slut cause I was ok with that.

  21. If he’s only rough with you during intimate times and this is something you both have consented to and he is otherwise (outside of the bedroom) a functional, caring human being that loves you then there’s likely nothing more to this than this simply being what gets him off..
    My partner loves to dominate me and I love being treated like his own personal fuck toy BUT outside the bedroom, he is a kind and loving man.

    I guess you need to ask yourself if you think this may be more than just sex play..

  22. Sex brain and regular brain can 100% be separate things. It’s being able to keep the bedroom in the bedroom and go about life regularly that shows a well adjusted adult.

  23. Of course. I would only allow somebody to degrade me if I also felt loved and respected by them! It definitely opens up a whole new level of intimacy

    As mentioned, there needs to be clear communication, discuss limits and wishes, ensure proper aftercare is taking place for BOTH partners.. a lot of people know about sub drop (maybe not in *this* exact sub but bdsm ones for sure) but Dom/mes experience Dom/me drop as well!

    If this type of sex *does* make your partner feel less love or respect then they really weren’t the right person to begin with

  24. Aftercare aftercare aftercare. I cannot stress aftercare enough lol you can do all sorts of “degrading” things during sex but if there’s respect and aftercare after sex and you both are enjoying it then it’s perfectly fine and healthy

  25. Yes, my husband is the sweetest and treats me great but in bed I want him to degrade me and treat me like a slut, not always, but a lot. It’s all about communication and consent.

  26. I started seeing a women a couple months ago that insists I just use her for my pleasure and degrade her which I am very not used to doing. ive started becoming more dominant and trying to adhere to what she wants. There are times where I’ve said things and had to stop and ask her if that was okay and she has this devilish grin on her face like she’s been waiting for me to say that. I dont know what I am going to do with her but I do respect and care for her greatly despite the things she wants me to say and do to her, lol. If im not sure, I just ask what she needs or wants and she’s great at letting me know.

  27. Great question.

    I am a very kinky person, and my boyfriend is (was?) too. But as he loves me more and more, and the relationship has progressed and the romantic bond has grown stronger, he has stopped being as rough as he initially was. I have told him multiple times that I’m okay with being dominated and recieving rough treatment, but he says he loves me so much he does not feel like doing “harm” to me anymore. It’s very cute that he wants to protect me at all times, but I also want to convince him I can be his slut too, haha.

  28. Our kinky life style is bedroom only. Everywhere else we are equals. The bedroom she is mine….

  29. My wife is a lady in all situations..awalys!
    But when we just want to fuck..just a hot and nasty long hard fuck..she’s my whore, my slut mu every desire. And I am the same for her dark desires as well.
    We both love and respect each other.
    But we also want each other to cum so hard it hurts as well…

  30. My bf refuses to do anything that degrades or hurts me in bed because he can’t bring himself to hurt me. It’s cute, and I won’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Over the duration of our relationship I realised I didn’t actually want to be hit etc in bed and was just trying to conform to what I knew.
    Hes still rough as fuck, but he would never hurt me because he loves me too much.
    Do men actually love the women they beat the shit out of in bed? Or are they just engaging in violence against women in a situation where they won’t be charged with domestic abuse.
    Do with that info as you will.

  31. 💯I love when my SO calls me “slut” or “whore” in bed (though, in all honesty, I don’t consider those terms to be insulting, therefore don’t feel degraded by it). He gives amazing aftercare and showers me with sweet affection and adoration

  32. Yeah. As long as both say that they want it, then it’s called pretend. You’re pretending to be a slut. He’s pretending to degrade you. It’s porn without the cameras

  33. Renowned therapist Esther Perel says yes, but after you have expressed your desires to your partner and see if they are willing to experiment with you. Of course, maintain love and respect for each other – no coercion. You could probably find a copy of her book online or in print, it’s called “Mating in Captivity”, and she goes into this type of issue in relationships a lot, particularly in some chapters. She uses her past clients as case studies in the book and explains how she works with each unique dyadic couple to get them to resolve sexual issues.

  34. Do you guys talk about it? I think it’s concerning when a guy just assumes it’s ok to treat women roughly. I don’t think it’s a problem when two people consent to do rough things for their mutual pleasure. It’s also really normal to have these doubts after rough play, and you should talk to your partner about them so he can reassure you. You should be including this sort of thing in aftercare, ideally. I would recommend reading some books on bdsm so you can develop the vocabulary to have these conversations and so that you can work through any negative feelings you have about the kind of sex you enjoy.

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