Just started a new job a week ago. I was trying to give a good “first impression”. I was asking about my trainers life. She is a 20 yo and I am 21 so i wanted to have a nice convo. I didnt ask very personal stuff to not scare her away, just casual “how do you like your job” “how long you are working”. Also I asked her about housing stuff, because we are both expats in the Netherlands – questions were about how is the shared doorm house she got , did she come to the netherlands alone (she is from latvia, she came alone and found a bf here). It seemed that convo went well while she was training me to work + she sat with me during a lunch break.
It started going downhill when her friend joined bc there were no work to do. They started joking and talking and got away from me. Her friend smiled to me so i smiled back. I started feeling awkward when they started avoiding me for some reason so i just stood near my personal work place and started making origami and they joined me. I thought them how to fold some things so we can pass time, but it felt like they were making fun of me bc they did everything wrong on a simple origami and laughed a lot, but when i tried to laugh/smile with them they would become serious. It felt so awkward til the end of the shift.
Next day the trainer asked me how was my day and we had a small talk and after that she just seemed like she didnt want to talk to me at all. When i asked her how is she she would just answer “fine” and turn her back on me.
Idk what i did wrong.
It happens all the time esp with girls my age. Similar situations like that. What am i doing wrong?
4 comments
Your trainer may feel like she needs to assume more professional boundaries – she’s not particularly more mature than you given your ages, so she’s probably trying to figure out how to perform her job as a trainer and she may feel self-conscious herself.
From this and your post history though, I mean this genuinely, you should consider finding a therapist to help give you better insight. You seem like you’re high strung/high stress and uncomfortable in your own skin at times – which is not your failing, life is hard and there’s no manual on how to human – but that is a vibe that others can pick up on which can make everything more uncomfortable than it needs to be.
I think you need to go on a “good morning/goodbye” basis now that you feel this. I wouldn’t say they are definitely being mean/unfriendly to you on purpose because sometimes we read situations wrong. But I think you need to be polite and let people come to you, if they want to. You’ve shown you’re nice and available to chat, if they’re interested they will come to you.
On another note, and I hope I don’t come across wrong when I say this, I think it’s in Eastern European culture to be a bit more closed off or harder to make friends with. I say this because I come from a ***very*** open and extra warm culture and my best friend is from Latvia. Girl is sharp as a knife, doesn’t have a problem putting people in their place. She is my example for being assertive. So do take cultural differences into account, but make sure nobody is treating you badly.
Sometimes, over reading into how others around you can be self defeating. When you’re hyper conscious, you’ll try to follow the social flow of those around you rather than being assured in your own, and let them dominate a situation you’re part of.
For example, when a friend came and and joined with more history, and the focal point of the interaction changed, and I imagine they expected you to follow. In this case, by retreating and engaging, you drew the conversation away from them but put focus on you to uphold the following chat/fiddling. When it became less about engaging with them and about a retreat for you, they will have become reserved themselves due to a perceived unwillingness to engage in a fun activity. It was a good opportunity for bonding as it would be a distraction to chat about life, and learn more about them while sharing your own life.
As a result, it seems you may have come off more reserved than they felt comfortable with, and drew back to a more polite response style. I would say in future allow a natural flow to the situation, and adapt on the fly to people joining in. If they’re cracking jokes, ask about it and engage. If they’re chatting about something and seem to be drawing away, show you’re listening and being present and they’ll naturally incline towards including you, as otherwise they’ll feel awkward. If you’re fiddling and they join, talk about it in a jokey and general sense, use it as a platform to talk more about yourself and maybe some follow on questions like their hobbies or what they do to relax.
It might take a few goes to hit it off, but Once you break through the ice it should feel a lot more natural, but it’s the first step of it. On the other hand, also remember that some people might be awkward or difficult socially, and may be unwilling to draw you in at all. In these cases, it’s better to give up and go fishing for someone more in line with you, don’t be afraid to draw a line if you’re not getting a good vibe!
This sometimes happens when someone wants to feel better about themselves. They make fun of others to their friends because deep down they are insecure or hurting.