I (26f) have always had HORRIBLE dating experiences.

Everyone has told me, “you’re looking in the wrong places”, “you’re talking to men from the wrong groups”, “you let men use you”, “you chase the wrong men” meanwhile these men lie about who they are and what they want for months even years! Every man swears they’re “not like other men” and that they’re not cheaters, they’re not abusive, they’re not liars. Then I find their social media. I go thru their phone. Or someone hits me up asking why their bc/husband added me and who am I? It’s the same thing over and over again and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being lied to and people saying it’s MY fault bc I’m “dating the wrong men” ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT THEY ARE ALL LYING TO ME!!!! It’s NOT my fault that they lied about having multiple kids and a gf and being a bum!!! Men beg to see me but lie about every aspect in their lives.

Are there any dating apps that are better?? I’m not looking to pay I know I’m not ugly I get tons of messages on apps and social media but they’re all just trash men. I don’t drink or smoke or do any drugs, so I’m tired of being told to “go to a bar” bc I don’t want alcohol near me. I’m also tired of being told to join clubs and interests bc you either have to pay an exorbitant amount which I don’t have, or it’s all other women anyway. I’m so tired of “Netflix and chill?” Messages. I’m so tired of “can I come over now?” I’m so tired of men trying to manipulate and gaslight me and putting hands on me, I’m so tired of going to the hospital and having to call police bc he thinks it’s ok to steal from me and beat me up. And all the sexual messages. I even tried finding a fwb to see almost every day but men couldn’t even handle that!! They either had a wife/gf or only were looking to meet once etc and I don’t want that. I haven’t done anything in months, and haven’t even cuddled or held hands or kissed in over a year. It just really sucks. My trust is completely broken.

24 comments

  1. I (M23) have had success on hinge. I’m sorry you’re going through what you are also. The dating game is definitely frustrating at times, but it’s important to keep a positive mindset. You’re going to get a lot of no’s in terms of what you’re looking for, but it only takes one yes to make things all better. Remember that it’s frustrating for both men and women. There’s shitty people out there, but on the other side of the coin there’s also great people that you haven’t met yet. Best of luck!!

  2. I M26 am really sorry that you had horrific experiences like that.

    I wish I could give you better answers, unfortunately, dating is really hard. There are some people that just get really lucky on dating apps (I was not one of them on any that I used).

    I hope that things get better for you and that you can find someone that you want.

  3. exactly why I stopped dating. doesn’t matter what you use, people are terrible and lie about their intentions

  4. That sounds brutal, it’s really disappointing to hear that your experiences have gone so wrong.

    Your post just radiates that pain, anger, and emptiness. With feeling like every time you meet a man that makes you feel something close to hopeful, only to have them dashed. To feel like you are in so many of their eyes like you are just a “something” to be used and discarded, only to be left with an empty, shallow, and degraded sensation. It’s genuinely sad to hear that you’ve gone through those experiences.

    I don’t have any info on dating apps. I would like to say as a reminder. You have worth and value, you need better and with that said you ought to require it. Just remember this going forward, and do not allow this to mar you or damage who you are as a person. I encourage you to take some time to heal. I wish you the best in finding a man, whom not only you respect and care for; but also that this man will tend to you in the future as well as fill you with a desire to be your best with him. It’s easy fir such heartaches to make you numb and callous to everything, and I sincerely hope you don’t get to that point. For your sake and (fingers crossed for you) his.

  5. Have you tried to meet more men socially instead? Men you meet through friends of friends will be pre vetted. You’ll know their relationship status, where they work and if they are kind people. And you can just observe them before you start anything.

    40% of app users are in a relationship. It’s not you.

  6. Sorry for what happened to you OP. App apps aren’t the best for serious relationship. I am guy and also met there a women that used me and cheated multiple times. One of the main problems with that is when right person appears you will have trust issues. Try real life hobbies instead. It is more easy to read a men in social context around other persons. In one of my classes I meet a good looking guy with a good heart. After some months leaving the class when I had my heart and mind completed destroyed by this women I meet this guy again in metro I thought he would ignored me but he stopped to talk to me and cheer me up.

  8. Apps, generally, are not designed to produce relationships. Their purpose is to sell the perception of access to women to men. It is not in their interest to present to you men that would form a relationship with you, because then they loose you as a selling point. It is significantly better to meet men out in the world.

    There are tons of them, I can assure you. I seldom go anywhere where the ratio of men to women is less than ten to one.

    Where to find them is simple. Go to places where dudes go to do dude things. Anything that has to do with cars, weightlifting, gaming, guitars, heavy metal music, engineering or guns will be drowning in men (there are many other places as well, just think on it). And it is super easy to talk to men in these places – just ask them about the dude thing they are doing and they should talk your ear off about it.

    Just give it a try.

    Also – if you know where I can find some women that would be great. I get no matches on apps and the ten to one ratio I find in the wild is not great for my odds.

  9. I [25F] don’t have an answer unfortunately but I feel for you. It fucking sucks. And when you find one that apparently wants a relationship they back out with cold feet as soon as the relationship gets too “real”.

  12. I don’t think the app matters as much as how you use it. Be super active (check twice a day) and be super picky and hold out till you get some good dates.. it might take months.

  13. You are entitled and say that all men are manipulate and abuse.

    How can you be surprised to not only attract shitty people? You attracted to people like you. No wonder you get shitty bf.

  14. Dating is the worst, I used ok cupid twice for long term relationships. Guys don’t know how to make profiles and take shitty pictures most of the time lol we just suck at it. My girlfriend said she just matched with me because I was smiling with my head inside a fake crocodiles mouth and she almost didn’t because the rest of my profile was boring as hell but we have been together 3 years now and live together. I can suggest trying to match with people that have boring ass profiles who take bad pictures and seem introverted. We are usually good projects that turn into good relationships if you can put up with that. Your experience seems horrible, I promise we aren’t all “like other men” lol.

  15. Take a dating hiatus and focus on yourself. Also check out the Baggage Reclaim blog to better understand what people mean when they say it’s you picking the wrong guys. It really is up to you to learn how to spot red flags and see through bullshit the second it starts and then leave the situation. I know it sucks and it’s probably not what you want to hear but it really is the truth. I worked on myself for three years after leaving an abusive relationship (not saying you have to take this long or not date this long) and although I’m nowhere near perfect still I did start making better choices when I started dating again and found my fiance.

  17. 26M in NYC, I feel for you. People lie about all sorts of things, and it sounds like you’ve had a really shitty experience.

    I do think you’re in an extra tough spot because your preferences filter out a lot of men. Finding someone who is also sober (or at least fully down to be sober around you), and is hispanic / latino, and a good, considerate guy is not easy.

    Anyways, it sucks. I do have a few ideas though:

    – Try out some free / trial versions of activities or shopping. For example, go to a music store and mess around with some keyboards and guitars. You do not have to spend any money or have any idea what you’re doing – but maybe you’ll strike up a conversation with someone! This applies for most places, but I think you’d want polite places men frequent. Music stores, thrift stores, book stores.
    – Consider exploring other forms of social media. Would you ever try making content on YouTube or TikTok? I know it may sound crazy but there are a lot of ways to come across compatible people on there, and the NYC presence on platforms like those is very strong. The dating app algorithms really don’t work for you as an individual, but the TikTok algorithm absolutely does. If you get on NYC TikTok and find a safe way to share a bit about yourself, you may have good men coming to you!!

  21. Looking at your post history, your criteria seems verrrry specific. I think you are just going to have to accept that your dating pool is very limited. I realize this is not an ideal answer, but if you’re unwilling to compromise on any of those ideals then it’s going to be a rough go.

  22. “He thinks it’s ok to steal from me and beat me up”

    😳what? Are your experiences that terrible?

  23. Joining a local gym can be a good way to meet people, with the added benefits of looking and feeling better.

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