Feelings for my Ex GF Whilst Dating my Ex BF

Hi reddit,
I have quite a weird, stressful and painful situation going on here, I’ll try to break it down as succinctly as possible so here goes:

– My BF (24) and I (21) have been on and off for about 2 and 1/2 years, he’s my first love. We have a dog and a cat together and used to live together with his aunt. And I really love the family that we have, it’s simple and sweet and easy. We’ve broken up a few times over the years, 1st time was due to both of us not really feeling like our relationship was going anywhere and I was getting sick of him taking his anger and frustration out on me (e.g. calling my friends losers or calling me an idiot constantly as a joke or making some questionable jokes). We ended up getting back together shortly after and things were getting better. He really promised to improve and make changes, he’d been my confidant in my life since I’d left my abusive family when I was 18.

We smoke together quite often and one evening when we were quite high he wanted to have sex and I really wasn’t feeling it. I kept saying no and that I didn’t want to and he got annoyed so I kind of just gave up and let it happen and dissociated. When I think about this moment I get really conflicted because what happened then doesn’t seme like the guy he is today. This happened another time basically and then I broke up with him again and we stayed apart for quite some time.

This was a really rough period of my life as I had moved out and was finding my feet and i knew it was equally hard on him too, he ended up nearly trying to commit suicide and I had to call the ambulance due to how bad his mental health was. A similar thing happened to me a couple of months later and I stayed in the hospital for a few days and got better.

We had an on and off FWB relationship after this, with things becoming more and more distant despite my feelings for him still somewhat being there. We ended our FWB relationship shortly after because we didn’t think it was healthy and so I tried to focus on myself and my friends around me.

– A couple of months later I met this girl, my ex GF (19) and we hit it off very quickly. We had our first date and then 3 days later we were in a relationship, things moved a lot faster than I thought they could or would have but I was happy. She’s really energetic, funny and a really sweet person. We dated for about 2 months, when I realised I wasn’t ready for a relationship due to my trauma (which happened when I was 17) and my inability to feel sexually active at all. It was very hard for me to break up with her but i knew I needed some time to focus on my mental health.

– A month or so later, I end up seeing my ex BF at the time, (24), again and we hook up and play video games together. I was really excited to see my dog and my cat again and it just felt like I was coming back home in a way? I’d never experienced family before until living with him and his aunt. After a few weeks we ended up getting back together and things were going quite well, he’s really caring and loves our pets and makes time for me despite work being very stressful for him.

– The problem is, when I think about all the messiness that has happened I doubt myself and what is right and wrong and I think about what happened when I was 20 when we got high. But at the same time, I know he has changed a lot in that regard and hasn’t done anything since. This is part of the reason I think why I struggle with intimacy so much, also my trauma I experienced when I was 18 (different situation entirely).

– I still keep in touch with my ex GF and her and I are still best friends. My BF has never really involved himself in my friend circle as he just likes to keep to himself and stay home and play games when he’s not working or go out for lunch together. I spend a lot of my spare time with my ex GF and we like to drink socially when out with friends.

– The times when I’ve gotten drunk I’ve told her I still love her and have feelings for her (which I do and it’s very confusing for me to navigate all this). She just wants me to be happy and it’s been very hard on her too, because she still has feelings for me and doesnt like that I’m back with my ex BF. At this point I really don’t know what to do, this situation has affected my ex GF and I’s close friend, who no longer wants to talk to me as she feels left out and confused by our friendship. I really don’t want to hurt anyone, I care deeply about those I have in my life and I just want to see them happy.

– I’m really struggling and I feel like everything is my fault here and I just don’t know what to do about my conflicting feelings and this situation. So reddit, please if you could be so kind, to give me some advice I’d be immensely thankful.

Thank you for reading all this and I hope you’re having a great day, I just need some advice and food for thought <3