My partner and I have been together for 8 years. Somewhere along the way, the honeymoon phase ended and we started having less sex..but sex was still by no means infrequent (often every couple of days or at least once a week). He wanted it every day, and expressed a “need” in a relationship for frequent sexual acts related to his pleasure only, (so oral, hand jobs, etc). We had loads of arguments about this (why shouldn’t he be initiating more if he is the one with the insatiable sexual appetite, why can’t it be about us having sex instead of me pleasuring him, me feeling controlled/objectified, etc).
It was so frequently talked about that I often ended up doing the acts. Just feeling totally beaten down and giving in to “help” him. I have since explored my own relationship with people-pleasing and boundary-setting. This was a big part of me “giving in” and not just being brutally honest every time (note: there were MANY instances of saying no, but it would lead to further manipulative comments about his anxiety, etc…sex and orgasm were the “solution..” and often after hours or talking I’d end up just doing the thing).
One day it just clicked that all of his little comments and “needs” were making me feel controlled, manipulated, and coerced into sex. This made me feel gross about our relationship, gross about how my relationship to sex was evolving, etc.
It hadn’t felt good for a long time, but neither of us could figure out why. Now that we know and he’s trying actively not to coerce me into sex or talk that way about sex….and im trying actively not to people-please and be honest and live for myself….how can we get back to a healthy sexual place?
I know for a fact that he feels awful about coercing and manipulating me. He wants to move forward, but can’t figure out a good way to still express his desire for sex, etc. without running the risk of making me feel coerced or controlled.
I like sex a lot, and miss when it did not have this almost traumatic feeling that accompanies it now. I want it to feel natural and good again.
I have been in other long-term relationships, and sex was never an issue like this. It was always mutual, even after years, and never felt “rapey.” But other than the sex (which is a huuuge part of a relationship, of course), all other aspects of our relationship are good. It’s the healthiest in almost all aspects..except this gigantic red flag..that I have ever been in.
How can we get to a healthy place sexually?
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TLDR – Years of sexual coersion and manipulation into sex have made me (F34) feel less attracted to my partner (M37). He has made me feel like me giving him an orgasm is a daily requirement (essentially). I feel so much pressure related to sex that it’s become unappealing even though I absolutely love it.
What do I do to get back to a healthy place sexually with him now that we’re aware he was coercing and manipulating me and he is actively trying to do better?
26 comments
Honestly I would recommend you think about leaving this relationship. If not therapy could help. If that’s not an option then I’d say focus on your pleasure. What I mean isn’t have him go down on you and then have sex I mean have him go down on you and then don’t have sex. Or use his fingers or a toy to get you off and then don’t have sex. But at the end of the day if you feel gross when he touches you that won’t work. You can also try to connect physically but nonsexually.
Honestly, I don’t think you can. And I don’t think he feels bad about coercing and manipulating you so much as he’s taking a short break from it in order to keep you around. You partially blame yourself for ‘people pleasing’ and ‘giving in’ but you also said you had hours upon hours of arguments about this where you expressed yourself quite well and he just didn’t fucking care. Now he’s acting like it’s some kind of shock that you didn’t like being coerced and he feels ‘sooooo guilty’. He doesn’t. He’s not going to suddenly start caring about your needs and pleasure after 8 years. He’s not a good person, and you should leave him.
He sounds nasty – hours of arguments about not wanting to and then you end up doing the thing anyway? He doesn’t care about you or what you want and you deserve better
Why on earth are you trying to “fix” a guy who manipulates you into sex??? (Which it’s doubtful you can. He feels he’s entitled to use your body even if you don’t want him to, that’s not an attitude that’s corrected with a few sessions of expressing feelings. If he CARED about your feelings he wouldn’t have manipulated you in to sex repeatidly.)
You deserve better than this.
>What do I do to get back to a healthy place sexually with him now that we’re aware he was coercing and manipulating me and he is actively trying to do better?
I mean not doing something bad anymore is only part of making amends. What is he doing to rebuild the trust he broke when he coerced you? Also remember that some things, once broken can’t ever be the same as they were before. Sure you can build something else from the pieces, but there’s no guarantee that it will be as good or as strong as it was before. I wouldn’t be able to get past my partner coercing me into acting like a masturbatory aid. Can you? I mean really, do you believe that he can make this huge violation up to you?
You are asking what you can do to fix it, but it’s a matter of him rebuilding the trust and you letting him. You’ve said you’re already in therapy, so beyond being open to his attempts to fix it, it’s mostly on him. If you really actually can forgive him and move on from those feelings, then I’m kinda impressed by your level of “forgive and forget”, but I don’t see how anyone could truly move past this.
Uhhhh you realize you have been abused, right? Maybe you are willing to give him another chance, but you desperately need therapy, both individually and together
Dump him. You can’t get into a healthy place sexually with someone who never respected you and coerced and manipulated you like this.
he’s abusing you and there’s nothing abnormal about feeling traumatized
Why is he not in counselling when he’s the rapey one? I get how it has helped you, but until he figures out why he’s been behaving this way and actively works with a professional to correct it, he will have that side to him still.
Sex feels rapey because you’re doing it with the same guy. Couples counselling won’t do much when he is not working on himself as well.
I do not know if there is a way to fix everything you have been through. Couples counseling to add to your individual, but you have to look really hard for a good therapist. You are describing a very very selfish man, but if this is the only issue he is selfish in regard to he possibly has a sex addiction that he can get help for.
Are you sure you want to stay with this guy? He’s got to make you feel safe again. Why do you have to all the work? Can’t he just jerk off?
He should see a therapist. He’s put his needs above yours for years. Aren’t you angry about that?
Do not continue a relationship with someone who clearly sexually abused you. Even if he is “sorry” (and likely only sorry due to the consequences of you setting rightful boundaries).
How do you get to a healthy place with your abuser?
You leave.
The leaving is more complex than the statement of course but baby, that’s the only way. There is no forward with your abuser.
My heart breaks for you and how you still think you owe him time or any part of you anymore. I have been assaulted and it permeates your whole being. I could not imagine actively being in a relationship with my abuser. You are obviously a very strong and resilient human to survive all of this. Sometimes, you need to leave the people you love to give them space to become the person they need to become. Above all, you deserve so much more. I could not imagine sharing a home with someone that your body has learned to recoil from their touch. I send you so much love and I hope you can see a way out.
This isn’t something a relationship can recover from
You can get to a healthier place overall by leaving him . His behavior is disgusting, I can’t believe he doesn’t feel ashamed for basically behaving like an animal.
Oh he feels terrible does he? Well that should fix everything.
What happens a lot in a relationship is that when something which should be part of the default settings has gone really badly, you spend so much time, energy and thought trying to stop/fix the issue that you lose sight of how much feeling you lose for the person after years of abuse or neglect, and how asinine it is to actually be forced to work towards and compromise on basic human decency, when in reality that should just be the bare minimum someone needs to have before you even look at their other relationship credentials.
If your friend got a new job, and told you how she’d been organizing protests and investigations and working on fixing this issue where they didn’t pay employees, how stupid would it sound for her to say “But it’s a really great job other than the fact that it won’t pay us, so if we work really hard at it we may be able to convince them to start issuing our paychecks in the next few months.” If your sister had a babysitter, and she said “She’s so good with the kids. I mean, we did have to have a discussion about her not smoking crack in our house with the kids in the room, but other than that she’s great,” how quickly would you work to get those kids out of that situation?
Saying “Our relationship is great except he sexually coerces me and has destroyed all attraction, trust, self-esteem and ability to enjoy sex. But it’s great other than that,” sounds a lot like the above two. Not sexually coercing people is like one of the bare minimum requirements for being considered enough of a human being to be allowed in society with other people, never mind being in a relationship, and you should never have to spent time and work to get someone to the point where they’re not utter filth.
You could spend the next 8 years letting him try to repair all the damage he did, which he may or may not be willing or able to do), just so you can get to the point where you consider him a basic human being at neutral standing morally, and then try to build your relationship back into something actually good by the time you’re 50. Or you could leave him, and find a member of the other 95% of humanity who are actually passible human beings and start off at a neutral standing with them instead of spending a decade getting back to neutral standing with them.
He “can’t figure out a good way to express his desire for sex”
Really? He IS communicating his desire for sex. What he’s not doing is taking no for an answer. So he’s pouting and whining and trying to manipulate you into doing it. He can’t “figure out” that he “expresses his desire” once and accepts no for an answer? I’m calling BS. Teenagers have a better handle on consent than this nearly 40 year old man?
I’m sorry, you feel traumatized and like this is “rapey” because he has been abusing you and that is traumatic.
And it is not on YOU to make this ok… honestly, why would you want to?
I get that this is a recent revelation for you but I would not be able to get past this if I were you.
I also can’t imagine that this is the only are of your lives where he has disrespected you?
Don’t presume that both partners WANT a healthy, balanced, fair relationship. Sometimes you being the victim, their caretaker, the ‘passive’ one is very much THEIR goal.
I’ve been with partners like that. I can guaran-fucking-tee that the ONLY reason he feels bad about manipulating you into sex is because he thinks feeling bad right now will keep you sticking around and therefore lead to yet more sex in the future.
I’ve dated people like him multiple times, and I hate them. Go forth with your new boundary setting skills and find someone better. Let him be a sleazebag somewhere else.
I left my husband for this exact reason. That’s rape (it took me ten years to realize it, but it is).
Over the course of our marriage, I lost interest in sex to the point that I would never say yes without coercion and never initiate. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me physically. I had the “icky” feeling you describe all the time, even during the few times I had enjoyable sex, and just assumed I had some kind of issue.
Once I left, I realized just how bad the control he had over me actually was. I tried dating and very suddenly I had a healthy libido again. No icky feeling; only fun. It was a game changer, and though I still loved my husband, I knew I’d never go back to him after that.
You’re in a sexual relationship with your abuser. I honestly don’t know how healing can take place while you’re still with each other. I do hope you can find some resolution soon, because the trauma this is likely inflicting is devastating.
No one should ever, ever feel pressured into sexual acts, ever.
Hey, I’ve been there dude, multiple times, the answer is to leave, it’s always to leave. I wasted years trying to rebuild that trust and it doesn’t work. Someone willing to do that to you is not a good person. If you haven’t already you should probably consider therapy I know for myself these experiences have complicated all future relationships and left me with lasting trauma. I hope you get to a better place soon.
I was in a relationship where I was constantly being sexually coerced, I thought as a women it was my duty to satisfy him. At first I went along with it, and faked it, after a while I couldn’t anymore and would cry during. But he didn’t stop. One day I guess he just didn’t care anymore, and when I said no, he did it anyways. I was too defeated to fight back because I thought it was my fault. It took 7 years after I left for me to realize that he was raping me. I didn’t think it was rape initially because I always thought rape was when the person is being held down, I thought instead there was something wrong with me and that I was somehow leading him on. But I wasnt.
Your boyfriend is not going to get better. He knows what he is doing, and he has no remorse for it. You may not see it now, but you are being abused. It is going to get worse if you do not leave, however you will have to make that choice, just know that there are people in your life that will help you.
I was in a similar situation and I was in denial for a long time. Always searching online on how to “fix” my sex life with my partner but when I started going to therapy regularly and describing the situation to my therapist, the therapist told me it’s abuse. No means no and when someone talks you out of that no in regards to sex that’s abuse. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and I’m very much traumatized from the relationship and it’s been years. It didn’t hit me till I left.
Now you’ll do what you want, that’s how I was too but I just hope you see that sex is not the center of a relationship, there’s so much more and he’s not seeing that to the point he’s willing to violate you repeatedly and his behavior overall towards you is manipulative and abusive.
I saw your response to someone else about him being in therapy, my ex was also in therapy and he also “felt bad” but he eventually started doing it again, it escalated and then he cheated on me to top it all off.
Our experiences might be different but just take care of yourself and know that it’s okay to leave the relationship. You deserve so much more, you deserve care and consideration. Your body is not a toy. You seem like a sweet person, I hope you’ll be okay.
This is such a massive character flaw on his side that I don’t know why you would even want to work through it.