What are your thoughts when people say that you’re setting yourself up for failure when you’re dating for marriage?

16 comments

1. Cool – failure is part of the road to success, Linda.

2. [removed]

3. That’s completely false.

4. That’s their opinion not mine. So idc

5. Well I prefer doing something and failing on it, rather than not do it cause of what someone said and regret it. So yeah don’t care about their opinion..

6. Marriage starts with dating? You’ve got to start somewhere

7. I believe it’s true. If the focus is on marriage it can make it easy to miss red flags. Imo, people
   Should date to find partnership, someone they’re compatible with.

8. I don’t really care what people think about the way I chose to date. I think some people deliberately misunderstand the idea of “dating for marriage,” and I would hope it would be obvious that a lot of people don’t want to date someone knowing for sure it won’t end in marriage.

9. I think there is some truth to it. I have a friend who feels that she should only date men that she would marry. But, she gets too serious too fast and overlooks marinara red flags. This turns off a lot of guys because they are made to feel like a box to check rather than an individual to be appreciated. Also, it could put too much pressure on an early relationship.

   I think it is hard, especially as women get older, because they hyper focus on having a husband rather than a marriage. If that makes sense. Societal pressure to marry is much more intense for women which doesnt do them any service. It may make some women priortize achieving a life milestone rather than finding an ideal partner.

   Also, because the emphasis is on marriage there may be a rush to marry before you fully learn about your partner. I am a profound believer that all couples should live together at least a year before marriage. You can’t truly know someone unless you live with them. How do they spend their money? Do they cook or clean? Do they stop as soon as a woman is in the picture? Is he a good caregiver?

   I personally would rather be happy and single than marry just to marry. I also dated my husband for 7 years because I was hesitant to get married (I had a messed up childhood with toxic parents). I also prioritized my education. If my husband felt as some women do, he would have bailed on me early on. Companionship and finding a good mate should be the end goal. Not marriage. Marriage doesn’t mean happiness or love. Marriage is ultimately a legal contract which is incredibly hard to get out of.

10. If you look for marriage then you don’t look only for fun. That’s just illogical.

11. Im happy to be alone forever. If me saying that I’m dating for marriage turns someone away, they’re not the one for me. The one for me will think “oh cool, me too”. If I’m scaring everyone on earth by saying I want marriage one day, cool, I’ll live alone forever and have an awesome solo life 🙂

12. No point in wasting my time if the relationship isn’t compatible long term. That’s not a failure to me. I would consider it more if a failure for me to waste my time dating people I couldn’t see a potential future with

13. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids eventually, so I quit dating guys that didn’t. It’s a simple matter of compatibility. My husband and I knew that we were dating to, hopefully, move further along. We were on the same page about it. And we married very early, 5 months after we met. Our 18th anniversary is in 2 days and we are happier now than ever before.

14. The word “dating” carries a meme cloud of mate selection screening meanings, so using that frame will drive a lot of responses into the “why date anyone who might not be my long term marriage/’romantic’ partner” zone.

    If “dating” was replaced with some as yet nonexistent word that means “doing interesting/enjoyable stuff with other people who might or might not become long term friends and/or allies or MAYbe ‘romantic’ mates” that frame might open up the responses to more “sure, why not” responses.

    I guess I see the risk of rejecting doing stuff with other people because your initial (not necessarily accurate) assessment is that they do not fit your definition of “marriage material” is that you not only might miss out on some who are, but you might miss out on finding someone who does indeed not fit your definition of “marriage material” but who is instead a potential life-long steadfast truth telling and reliable supportive ally.

15. Annoyed. They say that I’m “too young” to focus on marriage but the funny thing is that I wanted to be married by my current age & feel like I’m already failing because of that.

16. The entire universe is has no guarantee against failed relationships . .